The Sting of Reality

On my morning walk, I witnessed a wasp gorging on the remains of a dead praying mantis.

It wasn’t your typical looking wasp

When the creature realized it had been caught in this shameful act, it began stalking me. Thirty minutes later when I least expected an unprovoked attack, it stung me. (It could have been a different wasp, but I don’t think so.)

It got me good

When I was describing the incident to my sisters, it was suggested that perhaps I wasn’t bitten by an ordinary wasp but rather a vampire wasp! As frightening as it seemed, I agreed. After all, the incident occurred during the month of All Hallows Eve and once the swelling went down, there were twin bite marks.

Ordinary Vampire Wasp

Then I wondered if I, myself, would transform into a vampire

I look okay as a vampire

or if I would simply become a vampire wasp familiar – attending to its every need.

This isn’t such a good look

Now that time has passed, I realize that I’m nothing more than a WASP bitch!

WASP Bitch

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam, WASP Bitch

Good Bones

This house has good bones

Catfishing

This week I received the most interesting texts.

These were the first messages and then it became serious – she sent a photo.

I didn’t respond again because I thought that I could be the victim of catfishing. She might be related to that Nigerian prince I used to date. In all probability, she doesn’t look like her photo at all. Worst case scenario, she is a he who lives in his mom’s basement and looks like this.

Regardless of whether her interest in me is genuine, I found evidence online that she’s stepping out behind my back. She sent the same messages to other people only her name wasn’t Marilyn! She’s definitely related to my prince.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Stool Softener

The effect of using too much stool softener

The Shoes

As we’re preparing to go on our morning walk.

Stephen: What are you staring at?

Pam: Your shoes.

Stephen: My shoes? What about them?

Pam: They look terrible.

Stephen: These are my old Filas. They aren’t very comfortable – they squish my toes.

Pam: You have a closet full of comfortable shoes. Why wear them at all?

Stephen: They’re worn out. This will be the last time I wear them.

Pam: We’re walking two frickin’ miles this morning. Take those off and throw them out now. Put on a pair of comfortable shoes.

With his head down, Stephen did as directed and his feet felt great during our walk. The old shoes are in the garbage. Life’s short, wear the good shoes.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Cracked Egg

Silvio cracked under the pressure and ratted on his friends

Wrinkle Riddle

Stephen’s been wearing a lot of t-shirts this summer. He always looks fashionable, but lately I’ve noticed that many of his shirts are wrinkled. I fold the laundry and when I hand off Stephen’s clothes, they’re wrinkle free. Pondering over this conundrum, I asked Stephen about it.

Pam: You look nice today, but your shirt is wrinkled.

Stephen pats the front of his shirt, stretches it down.

Stephen: There. How does it look now?

Pam: It’s still wrinkled. What do you do with your shirts when you put them away?

Stephen: I fold them.

Pam: How do you fold them?

Stephen: I don’t know.

Then I looked down at our napkins.

Can you tell which one is mine?

Pam: Do you wad them up and throw them in a drawer?

Stephen: Of course not!

Pam: Do you fold them like you folded your napkin on the table?

Stephen: Maybe.

Mystery solved!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

This is after he smoothed the wrinkles

Bad Eggs

The notorious Eggland’s Worst gang was cage free until they were arrested for illegal poaching

Measure Twice, Measure Everything

There’s a saying that goes “Measure Twice, Cut Once”. When we decided to replace our laundry sink, we learned that this saying doesn’t go far enough.

After painting and decorating our small laundry room, the old utility sink stood out like a sore thumb.

Ours wasn’t quite this bad

We looked online and found a unit with a trim under sink cabinet and a pull down faucet we could use for bathing the dogs.

Much better than our old sink and faucet

Like the saying goes, we measured the cabinet and the space where it would be placed twice, confirming it would fit.

The cabinet arrived and we were pleased with the look and size. Then came the faucet and the problem. The unit was going to be placed under overhead cabinets and we weren’t sure it would fit. The faucet was MUCH taller than we expected and we hadn’t taken its height into account when measuring the space. The faucet was so big, it made our miniature greyhounds look miniscule. Look how small Emmett appears standing at the base of the faucet.

This faucet was made for giants

Fortunately, the legs on the cabinet were adjustable and the faucet head flexible. With a little maneuvering, we were able to make it fit.

With the proper determination, it fit!

The faucet scrapes the underside of the cabinet but it still works.

Over time, the faucet is probably going to rub a hole in the bottom of the cabinet

The moral of the story? Measure twice, measure everything. And if that doesn’t work, force it!

May the farce (and force) be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Tryptick

Not quite understanding the concept of a tryptich, Marvin and June were nonetheless thrilled with their selection.