Pay Up or Else

Four months ago, we took a trip with a small group, including my sister Diana. I planned and paid for everything and we settled up at the end of our adventure. Earlier this week, out of the blue, Diana sent this text.I immediately replied:

No sooner had I sent the message, my phone rang.

Diana: I’m so sorry. I had no idea that I still owed you any money.

Pam: [Laughter] It was a lie.

Diana: [Silence] What?

Pam: Think about it. I sent an exorbitantly high number with cents at the end and I sent it immediately. Doesn’t that seem odd?

Diana: I don’t owe you anything?

Pam: [Still laughing] No. But it’s been a while – it was worth a try.

Diana: That was mean

Pam: [Still laughing] No it wasn’t – it’s funny.

Here’s my philosophy. It took her four months to check to see if she owed me anything. I figured I had two options: send my thugs after her or pull a prank. My most vicious thugs aren’t terribly intimidating. The first is Audrey. She chews her toenails into razor sharp points so when she scratches, it feels like Freddy Kruger’s claws.

Audrey sharpening her teeth on glass in order to chew her toenails into needle-like talons

My second thug packs a malodorous punch. Max’s special power is passing gas that’s potent enough to clear a room. One might think sicking him on someone would be a hollow threat until they experience the potency of his flatulence.

That cute little butt is deceiving

Since my sister lives 900 miles away, my thugs were not an option. So instead, I stuck out my tongue and tricked her.

Na na na na na

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Don’t Feed The Animals

During the last night of a Florida vacation, Stephen and I had dinner outside by the pool of our hotel – our last chance to experience a warm evening outdoors.

When our food arrived, we were surprised to find we had dinner guests. Three little ducks came by our table begging for food.

I don’t often get the chance to feed wild animals, so I jumped at it. I would take a few bites and then give one of my buddies a bite.

I continued for 15 minutes when Stephen noticed a sign on our table:

“Do Not Feed The Wildlife. Feeding Wildlife changes their natural behavior and may be harmful to their health.”

Upon seeing the sign, Stephen suggested that I comply. Initially, I did but then had second thoughts.

These ducks had just gotten out of a swimming pool. They were shaking chlorinated water off their little bodies as they trotted over to beg for food. They had tiny beach towels and had no doubt been in the sun earlier in the day. Their drinks had umbrellas and one duck was wearing sun glasses.

I concluded that their natural behavior had already changed and went back to feeding them.

My thought was if the hotel didn’t want me to feed the ducks, they needed to stop feeding me in the duck’s new natural habitat.

Changing natural behavior isn’t always harmful. On the way back to our room, we watched one of the ducks waddle into the health club.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Peeking duck

 

Letting Go

Last year I almost killed myself with a recycle bin. This year that experience saved my life.

On vacation with my husband Stephen and friend Vivian, there were two suitcases between the three of us.

Our hotel room was on the second floor with no elevator. Stephen offered to carry both suitcases upstairs but when he grabbed Vivian’s I took ours.

Everything was fine until I neared the top of the stairs and my balance shifted. I felt the suitcase pull me back down the stairs…so I let go.

There it goes

I could have followed but didn’t because I released the suitcase and grabbed the handrail.

Quick thinking

What does this have to do with the recycle bin experience?

I fell with the recycle bin because I didn’t let go. Had I released my grip, I wouldn’t have fallen. Lesson learned and as a result, I didn’t go down with the suitcase.

Dramatic enactment of what could have happened

The morale of the story – sometimes you have to let go. Whatever you release may not come back to you, but that’s okay because you’ll be alive.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Oops!

Last week I accidentally posted today’s blog. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem except I was on vacation and didn’t do any writing.  So today you get a preview of what’s to come.

One of these resulted in a near disaster on my trip. Can you guess which one? Check back next week to find out.

 

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Casa Doo Doo

Sometimes I run across two seemingly unrelated items that simply must be brought together.

There’s an unusual hotel located in Belgium shaped like a human colon, including an anus. It’s appropriately named CasAnus.

Anal Retentive Hotel

The hotel appears to be located in a wasteland, but it’s actually near a lake. The suite features one room but is by no means a dump.  One night costs around $165. That seems like a crappy price for such strange accommodations but I hear you can pay in arrears.

Meanwhile, nearly 6,000 miles away in Hong Kong, there once stood a 51-foot tall inflatable feces sculpture called Complex Pile.

Impressive Feces

Formerly on display at the site of a future museum, the piece was eventually flushed by a rainstorm.

I think Complex Pile would be a tremendous asset for CasAnus. Check out my rendering below.

Nice Orifice

Definitely an unusual experience, CasAnus might be worth checking out. If you can’t afford to actually go there, remember that I can place you there virtually for a small fee.

If you’re looking for a worthy cause, join me in petitioning to get Complex Pile moved to CasAnus. It’s our doodey to bring them together.

May the farts be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

For more information about CasAnus, check out this video.

Get Your Virtual Vacation Here

If you want to go on vacation but don’t have enough money, the first thing that probably pops into your mind is sending a stuffed animal so you can travel vicariously through its fake little eyes. Right?

Japanese travel agency, Unagi Travel, thinks so. For the low price range of $35 to $55 (plus the cost of shipping your stuffed animal to Japan), the toy of your choice can go on a guided tour of Tokyo or take a trip to onsen (hot springs). Those with a more adventurous spirit can select a mystery tour where the destination is revealed at the last minute.

This is a brilliant idea. The people who run Unagi probably couldn’t afford to take a vacation and came up with an innovative way to get other people to pay.

Personally, I’m not inclined to send one of my toys on a trip; I’d rather save that money so I can take the toy myself.

However, if the idea appeals to you, I have a terrific compromise. For $25, I’ll photoshop your favorite toy into the destination of your choice. Additionally, you don’t have to pay any shipping charges, just email a picture at no cost.

Heck. If you send me a picture of yourself, I’ll put you in the image instead.

My solution allows you to live vicariously through a toy’s (or your own) virtual vacation AND allows you to save to take a real vacation. How’s that for a win-win!

Need proof that I’ve got the skills? Look where Dewey and Mia have been.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

It’s hard to believe, but Dewey and Mia were never in Chichen Itza. I can’t say the same about the UFO.

Gun Control

Researchers in Japan invented a speech jamming gun. It works by recording the victim’s own words and sending them back with a 0.2 second delay. The effect this has on the brain makes its target unable to speak.

I believe the early prototype was a stupid gun and that it was tested on politicians. Take a look at the following evidence and see if you agree.

• “I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Dan Quayle
• “They misunderestimated me.” — George W. Bush
• “I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger
• “My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you’ll join with me as we try to change it.” — Barack Obama
• “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” — Marion Berry
• “When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.” — Richard Nixon
• “We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it.” — Nancy Pelosi

The speech jammer is definitely an improvement over the stupid gun. By rendering politicians mute, I think many will appear smarter.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Sit. Stay.

Sleeping With Dogs

When we adopted our first Italian Greyhound, Stephen was determined that the dog wouldn’t sleep with us so for 2 months we listened to Tony howl himself to sleep and us awake. Everything changed when we had house guests. “Just during the visit” Tony was allowed to sleep with us. I’ll never forget that first night – absolute quiet accompanied by a good night’s sleep. From that point forward, Tony began sleeping in our bed.

One would think that a bed big enough for two adults could certainly accommodate an additional 12 pounds. There was plenty of room when Tony was cold because he would curl himself into a tiny ball or plaster his body next to one of us. However, once he got comfortable and started to warm up, he spread out. This was no problem as long as he slept in the normal direction but Tony wanted to touch us both so he slept sideways, in the middle of the bed. This two foot tall dog quickly became nearly 50 inches long.  To put it in perspective, a queen size bed is only 60 inches wide, leaving about 5 inches each for Stephen and me. Tony’s behavior was typical of every Italian Greyhound who’s ever owned us.

Letting Tony in our bed started out as a means to get a good night’s sleep. Over time, this brilliant plan has evolved into not such a good night’s sleep because there’s no room. It is quiet though.

Our situation is not unique and was best summed up by a woman living with two Italian Greyhounds. Her grandson was visiting and spent the night at her house. She told me that she couldn’t figure out why she had slept so well until she realized that one of her dogs didn’t sleep in her bed – he spent the night with her grandson. We both laughed and agreed that everything we do tends to be for the dogs.

Whether or not you have a dog, I hope you get a good night’s sleep.

May the farce be with you.

Your IFF,

Pam

Fractured Cliché #20

Chicago is a green city – at least on St. Patrick’s day. The celebration starts when the river is dyed green which is followed by a parade.

People dressed in green gather in bars drinking green beer overlooking the green river. As they drink, their inhibitions drop and they start to sing. As the luck o’ the Irish has it, this is the perfect lead-in to today’s Fractured Cliché.

Fractured Cliché:  When Irish guys are smiling

Correct Cliché:  When Irish eyes are smiling

Technically this isn’t a cliché, it’s the beginning of a song. However, if the Fractured Cliché was a song, I envision it would go something like this:

When Irish guys are smiling,

You can hear the angels sing.

In the midst of drunken laughter,

It’s just the beer talking.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Irish Rovers

There’s A Monkey On My App

Orangutans at the Milwaukee Zoo are using the iPad to watch videos, play games, and create artwork. They’re even using Skype and FaceTime to communicate with friends and family at other zoos.

In Mexico, a bottlenose dolphin named Merlin has been using an iPad as a language interface. Merlin uses his nose to operate the touchscreen and his human partner is building a database of dolphin symbols.

To me, this is just the beginning. As orangutans and dolphins become more proficient with technology, these and other animals will eventually get their own e-mail, Facebook and Twitter accounts. (Hey, it worked for Angelina Jolie’s right leg.) I wouldn’t be surprised to see zoo admission costs go up just to cover outrageous texting fees.

Learning that orangutans and dolphins like the iPad, I decided to see what my pets think about it, starting with my parrot Amy. When I showed Amy the iPad, I held it close but just out of reach so she wouldn’t destroy it. Her reaction was very positive. Her pupils constricted, she made a range of happy noises, lifted her wings, and bounced – all signs of her excitement. Funny enough, her favorite appeared to be Angry Birds.

The dogs were a little tougher to please. I downloaded a few free apps for dogs and the only one they found exciting was an app that sounded like a squeaky toy. I tried a bark translator but didn’t find it credible. For example, I have a hard time believing my nearly hairless little dogs would say “Is it hot in here or is it just my fur?“.

Amy communicates fairly well but the language barrier with the dogs could use some help. I think it would be cool if my dogs and I could communicate through the iPad. It would be simple to build a language database because we’d only need a handful of icons such as food, water, outside, treat, and squirrel.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m not a fan of allowing them to text. Dogs are pack animals and texting would change their whole dynamic. I think they would become a lot like teenagers. Instead of running around at the dog park, they would gather in groups and only interact through their smart phones.

For now, we should keep an eye on orangutans and dolphins. I don’t mean to be a conspiracy theorist, but if they start using the iPad to communicate with each other, we may be in trouble.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Angry Birds = Happy Bird