True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Off To The Races

I’ve never known my nationality with certainty although my parents guessed we had Irish and Scottish blood running through our veins. Because this has always been a source of interest, I decided to research my ancestry.

To date I’ve discovered I’m a mix of Irish, English, Scotch and German, with the latter a total surprise. Since I’ve never felt German, I thought it necessary to embrace my German heritage. The first step – attending Oktoberfest (in September – not October) in Germantown, Wisconsin.

Stephen and I arrived at the fest with our dogs in tow. We have two Italian Greyhounds (miniatures that look like big greyhounds that were left in the dryer too long). They’re skinny with long, long legs. It’s important to know this because the Oktoberfest was filled with short little German Dachshunds. Apropos for a German festival.

Big Dachshund

Homage to the German Dachshund

Not only were there more than 100 Dachshunds in attendance, many of them were scheduled to run in the Dachshund races. Dachshunds have short little legs, so we wondered how fast they could actually run. Italian Greyhounds have been clocked as high as 35 mph. Surely, German Dachshunds couldn’t run that fast.

We tried to convince the judges that our dogs were Italian Dachshunds and they should be allowed to race, but they were disqualified because their long legs gave them an unfair advantage.

Dachshunds run surprisingly fast

Run, Forest, Run!

Attending Germantown’s Oktoberfest didn’t exactly make me feel German. After all, I was accompanied by Italian dogs, wasn’t wearing lederhosen and didn’t drink beer from a gigantic stein. However, I did have fun. That’s what life’s all about – richtig?

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Breast Awareness

Breast Awareness

New Movie Franchise

Last week an exterminator sprayed our house. We have a history of attracting hornets so we always do preventive spraying. In talking to the exterminator, I learned that hornets eat spiders that live in our trees, which gave me an idea for a SyFy channel movie.

In 2013, the SyFy channel presented a movie called Big Ass Spider! about giant spiders rampaging Los Angeles. As dumb as the idea sounds, the movie was funny and critics agreed as it received a 79% rating on the Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer.


The original movie

Given the success of the Sharknado series, I’ve been wondering when producers are going to make a Big Ass Spider 2. Well, it’s good they waited because I’ve got the perfect ending for the new movie:

As humans are valiantly fighting the big ass spiders, their numbers have dwindled and they’ve reached their breaking point. It looks as though all hope is lost. Fearing the worst, they hear a noise in the distance. Is it a bird? A plane? Underdog? No! It’s a swarm of hungry big ass hornets coming to eat the big ass spiders. But wait – the story doesn’t end there. As they kill the last of the spiders, they turn to the humans as their next meal.

That’s the end! The perfect set-up for the third movie in the franchise – Big Ass Hornet!

My movie idea

My movie idea

I would watch these movies. Would you?

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF and Psy-Ficologist,


Don’t Step On My Parade

Whew! So glad it's not raining!

Whew! So glad it’s not raining!

Faulty Engineering

My sister and I went into a restaurant bathroom. She headed into one stall and I attempted to enter another. However, I couldn’t get in because the cover over the toilet paper roll prevented the door from opening.

When I pushed on the door, it wouldn't open any farther because it hit the toilet paper cover

When I pushed on the door, it wouldn’t open any farther because it hit the toilet paper cover

As we were washing our hands, I told my sister what happened. Of course she had to see for herself. She tried pushing the door a little harder but it still wouldn’t open.

Until this…

The door opens now

The door opens now

She pushed the door so hard, the toilet paper roll cover popped off. Then the door worked fine.

That’s all well and good until the next person comes along, enters the stall, replaces the cover and then can’t get out. Too bad I couldn’t stick around to see it happen!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,



Bobby didn't know his parents were moving but was still able to find his house

Even though Bobby didn’t know his parents were moving, he was still able to find his house

Thutless Conversation

Last week Stephen said something I never thought I would hear.

Stephen – What’s that round thing on your backside?

Pam – What are you talking about?

Stephen – Your butt – you have a round butt!

Pam – No I don’t – I have a thut.* You know that.

Stephen – I’m telling you, I see a little roundness back there.

Of course I didn’t believe him because I’ve had a thut my entire life. However, I’ve been doing Jazzercise for several years and my instructor constantly reminds us that we only make one kind of cake in her class…. round!

I paused and thought that this situation might be similar to an earlier discovery. After doing Jazzercise for several months, I found these strange lumps on my arms. Stephen told me they’re called muscles.

With that in mind, I looked in the mirror for a “round birthday cake” but sadly, all I could see was my thut. Guess my cake is still in the oven!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


*A thut is a flat butt that blends into your thighs so they appear as one.

We only make round birthday cakes!

We only make round birthday cakes!


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