True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Home Improvement

We (aka Stephen) recently finished a couple of small home improvement projects: replacing a faucet and hanging a wall coat rack. My role was coming up with the ideas, providing encouragement to complete the project, and praising the completed task to the delight of the worker, thus making future endeavors more palatable. Each project had one thing that struck me as significant.

Faucet

The thing I noticed about this project were the instructions. Take a look at step #1.

Excellent first step

Although I can’t imagine attempting to install a new faucet before removing the existing one, I appreciate the precise nature of the instructions. Unfortunately the rigor declined in step 2 as there was a need to drill an additional hole. Also, note that the number for the help line lacks an area code.

Wall Coat Rack

Hanging a coat rack should be a fairly simple chore. You need to decide where to hang it and make sure it’s straight. Through the miracle of modern science, this set of hooks came with a wondrous little tool: a cardboard combo template/level.

I was quite impressed to find such a marvel, having never seen a bubble-less level before. It worked quite well, too. Testing it with a traditional level, it was easy to hang the hooks straight. Wow, science. Way to go!

Hope you enjoyed these small updates and I wish you an easy time with your own projects.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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To Winter

This is what I think of winter

Winter’sBack

To be sung to the tune of SexyBack

I hate that Winter’s back (yuck)

Them other drivers don’t know how to act (yeah)

Get off the road, don’t want to hit your back (yeah)

Get off the road and I’ll pick up the slack (yeah)

[Take it to the bridge]

Dirty snow

You see these shovels, baby

Apropos

The cold’s okay but I don’t like the snow

It’s hard to shovel even when you blow

[Take it to the chorus]

Be gone snow (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Bring back spring (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Be gone snow (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Bring back spring (go ‘head, be gone with it)

You see what you’re shoveling (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Lay down the salt (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Snow makes me mad (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Be gone snow (go ‘head, be gone with it)

And get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone

Repeat above

You ready?

I’m ready!

I’m ready!

I hate that Winter’s back (yuck)

Them other drivers don’t know how to act (yeah)

Get off the road, don’t want to hit your back (yeah)

Get off the road and I’ll pick up the slack (yeah)

[Take it to the chorus]

Be gone snow (go ‘head, be gone with it

Bring back spring (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Be gone snow (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Bring back spring (go ‘head, be gone with it)

You see what you’re shoveling (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Lay down the salt (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Snow makes me mad (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Be gone snow (go ‘head, be gone with it)

And get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone

You ready?

Yes

I’m ready!

Yes!

Yes!

=====================

The video, in case you want to sing along.

 

 

Baby It’s Cold Outside

Complete and utter humiliation

Moonshine

When I was in college, I had the privilege of witnessing a total solar eclipse. We didn’t have solar glasses, so we had to view it through a box with a pin hole. Last summer, I experienced it again, but this time special glasses were available. It was a truly awesome experience.

Stephen (lab coat) and his coworkers watching the solar eclipse in their goofy glasses

This past week, there was a lunar eclipse of a blue super moon. When there’s a second full moon in a month, it’s called a blue moon. A super moon is when the moon is closest to earth causing it to appear larger; it has nothing to do with the Super Bowl. Considering the special glasses we had to wear last summer for the solar eclipse, I searched on line for lunar eclipse glasses but couldn’t find any – so I made some. Here’s a shot of Stephen watching the eclipse.

Stephen wearing his special lunar eclipse glasses

You’ll note there isn’t any glass in the lenses because superstition states that if you look at a blue moon through glass, you’ll have 30 days of bad luck. I’m sure that bad luck must be multiplied if you add in the super moon and the eclipse.

I suspect the glasses didn’t have any effect on Stephen’s viewing experience. In fact, they’re so useless I’m planning to patent and sell them online. Advance orders taken here!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Super Bowl

This is the only super bowl I’ve ever seen Stephen excited about

When Stephen and I were in college, we took a ballroom dance class. We hadn’t been dating long and Stephen declared that he would do anything for me. I put him to the test buying toe socks for him to wear to class. He accepted the challenge. Dancing in his colorful accoutrement, this normally docile man threatened everyone who dared challenge him: “don’t say a word”.

This is what Stephen’s feet looked like in dance class

After all these years, Stephen hasn’t changed. A couple of years ago, I found a bunny onesie for him from the movie A Christmas Story during an after-Christmas sale. Although he doesn’t wear it on a regular basis, he does pose for Kodak moments.

A man secure enough in his masculinity to be photographed in a bunny suit.

Thinking I was being nice, I recently found a great deal on a Frankenstein onesie with a hood Stephen could wear around the house. He pretended to like it when I gave it to him, but only wore it once claiming that the fabric was too light to keep him warm.

Puttin’ on the ritz

This year after Christmas, I found a chicken onesie that I knew was heavy enough to keep him warm; bonus – it had a hood.

Stephen wasn’t chicken about being a chicken

Soon after, I found a heavy fleece cookie monster onesie for only $5. Excitedly pointing out the wonderful bargain, I asked Stephen if he wanted it (knowing he would say yes). He muttered under his breath that he didn’t want to wear onesies. Stephen had been wearing ridiculous gifts from me for most of his adult life – starting with toe socks. Thinking years of silent compliance seemed more than enough, I hung cookie monster back on the rack. Now how to return the surprise onesie-matching toe socks…

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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