True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Retirement

After teaching second grade for 44 years, Diana, my sister is retiring. Even though she wants to retire, it’s difficult for her to leave her kids. In looking for a retirement card, I didn’t want something sentimental to make her cry, I wanted to make her laugh. After an extensive search, I found an irreverent online card retailer: nobleworkscards.com where I found the perfect card.

It made her laugh

Funny enough, she had recently encountered a situation similar to the card where a little kid wanted his damn whatever. Diana’s had many stories over the years. Another that struck a cord with me was when one student tattled on another saying he gave her the finger. When Diana investigated, the offender said his action was okay because he used his ring finger instead of his middle finger. A perfect example of the experiences she’s going to miss when school starts next fall.

Retirement is an exciting (although sometimes distressing) transition representing a new chapter in life. The card I gave Diana was blank inside. My message read: “Happy Retirement – don’t fuck it up.” That goes for all of us – enjoy every day. Embrace each new adventure.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Corndogs

Corndogs on the grill are one of the best things about summer

IC You

Stephen is an award-winning scientist. Really – that’s him, with his award.

Stephen with his award

As you might imagine, I’m a strong proponent of science and was initially dismayed by news of government threats. Based on new information, I fear the government may be onto something. One of the current most popular apocalyptic theories suggests that zombies will end the world. But maybe, just maybe, the apocalypse will start within the very heart of science.

Being an award-winning scientist, Stephen works in a state of the art lab with top of the line equipment. One day he came home from work touting his new Ion Chromatograph Unit (ICU).

Ion Chromatograph Units (ICUs) – very smart machines

The ICU will take a sample and separate, identify and quantify the contents. What used to take hours of labor is now done in short order by a very smart machine. Stephen described it as magic – and that’s what set off my suspicions. What’s to say the ICU can’t combine or create things, especially since there’s two of them hooked up to the same computer. I just know they’re plotting. Any machine that can perform magic, like the ICU, is certainly capable of more sinister acts. I suspect Stephen’s new machine was behind WannaCry – last week’s computer hacks. Sure, North Korea got the blame, but who’s to say the ICU – which is hooked up to a computer – couldn’t generate and disseminate the virus AND blame it on another country. Heck, if it can create a computer virus, why not a human virus, too?

After working with the ICU for a few weeks, Stephen looked like this.

Stephen looked like this after working with his ICU

Maybe science created zombies, too.

Shh… Put your ear to your computer. I think I hear Stephen’s machine whispering “I see you!”

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Armpit

Arm pits are not as popular as fire pits because it’s so hard to find parts

Happy Mother’s Day

 

Spam

My Spam folder is full

My Spam folder is full

I don’t cook but because I have a flexible schedule, I do most of the grocery shopping. This week, my assignment included snow peas. I had purchased them before, so I knew exactly where to find them in the store. Much to my disappointment, there was only one remaining in the bin. I guess whoever bought the batch didn’t want to take the last one.

The last lonely snow pea

There were plenty of sugar snap peas in the adjacent bin, but sugar snap peas weren’t on my list.

I went over to the prepackaged vegetables and found a bag of sugar snap peas which looked exactly like the snow peas in the open bin. I even took the bag over to compare – thank goodness that kind person left the last one. It was surprising the bag was mismarked.

I wasn’t sure I should chance buying the wrong pea, so I walked to the frozen section and found the same thing. Feeling the bag, it was clear that it contained snow peas. Once again, it was strange the bag wasn’t labeled correctly.

Frozen Bag

I ended up buying the fresh bag and when I got home, I looked up the difference between sugar snap peas and snow peas. Apparently the people working in produce at the supermarket don’t know the difference because they were the ones who labeled them wrong.

These are really sugar snap peas

At the time I was shopping, my pea brain couldn’t comprehend the grocer could be wrong even though all evidence pointed in their direction. Now that I’ve done my homework, I finally have peas of mind… and so can you.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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