True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

When I was in graduate school, one of the professors would always stare at my chest. I dressed in loose clothing when I knew he would be around to minimize the distraction. I think if I had worn a different bra, he wouldn’t have recognized me. Years later, I’ve become accustomed to thinking (if not saying) “my eyes are up here”. Any woman who has ever experienced this knows exactly how uncomfortable it feels.

The other day when Stephen was getting ready for work, he put on a belt that had significant wear. The part of the belt that slipped through the buckle was gray, instead of black. When he refused to change, I told Stephen if people stared at his belt, he should point to his eyes and say “hey – I’m up here”. In response, he proudly pushed his pelvis forward, pointed below his belt and said “hey – I’m down here”.

That’s the difference between men and women.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Hello!! My eyes are up here!

Catastrophe

This year’s winner of the Best Cat Ass Trophy

 

Cat Photo Credit: Warren Photographic

I’ve run across some bizarre clothing that is too good not to share. Like a train wreck – you just can’t look away. Be forewarned, once you see these clothes you won’t be able to unsee them.

1. Hairy Swimsuit

Yikes!

2. Men’s Romper

Eewwww…

3. Men’s Lacey Clothes

no, No, NO

4. Clothes that make you look naked

a) Naked Tie

Ok, this is kind of funny

b) Naked Dress

Aach!!!!!

5. Detachable Jeans

Underwear is optional

There’s┬áNOTHING attractive about these clothes. Unless you want to shock your friends or embarrass your kids, do NOT wear these outfits! But if you do, please send pictures!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Heroin Addict

Mary Jane had seen Wonder Woman more than 100 times before her doctor diagnosed her with a Heroine Addiction

The Scorpion

I have a strained relationship with bugs – they like me but I don’t like them. If there’s a bug within 100 miles, it will find me. At times I feel there’s a conspiracy within the bug world to torture me. Let me give you an example.

Stephen and I were in Cancun, lying on the beach when a bee stung me. Stephen ran to the bar to get a shot of booze and while he was there he got one for me to use to extract the poison out of the wound. When the bartender heard what happened, he said “we don’t have bees in Cancun”. Yeah, right.

My latest debacle involves a scorpion. In fact, I’m sitting crossed legged (lotus position) in my desk chair to keep my feet off the floor because I’m afraid I’ll be stung. The other day, while working at my computer, I saw a creature with a long body whose rear end was curled up over its back. We (meaning Stephen) searched everywhere but was unable to find it. Wondering whether its inevitable, powerful sting would kill me, I Googled scorpions in Illinois. The species that live in Illinois are not deadly but are so rare they are hardly ever seen. Exactly like bees in Cancun.

To make matters worse, soon after the scorpion sighting, I found a wasp laying nearby on a rug trying its best to crawl over and sting me before it took its last dying breath. Although the wasp looked similar to the scorpion, I’m sure it’s simply a coincidence.

It’s been several days since my scorpion appeared, and frankly I’m tired of losing all feeling in my legs from keeping my feet off the floor. I don’t know how long scorpions live, but I’ll sit this way a few more days to be safe.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The thing in the corner looks like my scorpion

 

Protestants

In the summer, you can’t leave the house without running into Protest Ants! They’re everywhere!

Chew On This

I have two little dogs – 17 and 11 pounds. When shopping for treats, I discovered large flat chews that are almost as big as my dogs.

 

Max can barely carry the treat but he loves it

I started with a pack of three because I wasn’t sure how they would respond. Our plan was to cut them into smaller pieces but Mia and Max found the big ones irresistible. Even though they each had their own, I quickly discovered they always wanted the same one.

Even with multiple treats, one chew is always better and everybody wants it

Observing this behavior, it seems that dogs are a lot like people. The grass is always greener (aka the other chew always tastes better). And, we don’t always appreciate what we have.

Based on empirical evidence (my observation), both chews are fantastic. One doesn’t taste better than another so enjoy what you were given. Hmm, I think these sage words apply to us as well. Just remember – don’t bite off more than you can chew.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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