True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

After months of exhaustion and forgetfulness, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. The doctor presented two treatment options: (1) CPAP or (2) Oral Appliance.

The CPAP is an alien looking device that provides Continuous Positive Airway Pressure, i.e., it blows air through your windpipe to keep it open. In my mind, it looks something like this. I did not choose this option.

This is how I envision the CPAP

This is how I envision the CPAP

After choosing the Oral Appliance, I was sorely disappointed to find out that it wasn’t a toaster or microwave because those are the only two oral appliances I already know how to operate. This device isn’t really an appliance at all, it’s just a fancy mouth guard.

My oral appliance

My oral appliance

As innocuous as it appears in the picture, this mouthpiece is actually quite monstrous. Molded to my upper and lower teeth, it pulls my lower jaw forward in order to open my air passage. In the morning, I have to realign my jaw by biting down on an impression. With my lower jaw jutting forward, I look like a bulldog when I sleep.

This is me at night

This is me at night

Even though I do this every day, I wonder about the wisdom of misaligning a major body part every night only have to put it back in place the next morning. Fortunately the “appliance” works because I can now breathe when I sleep. Not only that, I can proudly add another appliance to my repertoire of things I can operate.

Sweet dreams and may the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Therapy Dog

Poor puppy clearly needs help - he's all twisted up in knots over something

Poor puppy clearly needs therapy – he’s twisted up over something

New Restaurant Experience

Before checking out a new eatery, I went onto Yelp to see what other customers had to say. Although the restaurant was self-serve, every order was made from scratch so it took 20-30 minutes to receive your food. That being said, we decided to call ahead so our meals would be ready when we got there. After four failed attempts resulting in a message that said “no one is available to take your call”, we decided the place must be busy and thus worth the wait.

When we walked in, we were surprised to find ourselves the only customers in the establishment. Stepping up to the counter, we placed our order with two bored-looking young women who graciously took our money. As we waited for our food, we sat a small table sipping ice water. During that half-hour, their phone rang several times but not urgently enough to interrupt the banter of the workers who greeted us.

Duty called, however, when two meals were presented behind the counter. Like a trumpet announcing royalty over the din of a crowd, one of the clerks loudly repeated the contents of our order. Marching the four steps from our table to the counter, we went to claim our prize. Protectively, the clerk asked to see a copy of our receipt before she would hand over our food. Stephen fumbled around trying to find it and said he wasn’t sure he’d received one. Using her “outside voice”, she incredulously asked “you don’t have a receipt?” Certain that we wouldn’t get our food without it, I looked around the cafe to confirm we were still the only customers. I almost asked if she remembered ringing us up not 30 minutes prior but before I could be so bold, Stephen produced our ticket.

I’m glad to say the food was okay but not so good that I need to go back. I can only imagine the chaos that ensues when they have more than one customer at a time. Imagine when they figure out how to answer the phone!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

We were standing next to the trumpet

We were standing next to the trumpet

Homeland Security

CIA

The CIA found a mole, a plant and a bug thanks to a stool pigeon

Painting Supplies

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks painting the interior of my home. It was a good exercise on several levels. First, it’s good exercise. Second, it reminded me why I don’t like to paint. Third, painting is like cooking but, unlike cooking, I can do it. I feel good about this even though painting is not my favorite thing to do.

Because I’ve painted before, I know the supplies that are needed. However, since it’s been a long time, I checked the instructions to make sure I had everything. Instructions are conveniently located on the paint stir stick. Initially, that seems like a good idea until you use the stick and can no longer see what’s written on it. Wisely, I checked the list before stirring.

List of painting supplies on the stir stick readable only until you use the stick to stir the paint

List of painting supplies on the stir stick readable only until you use the stick to stir the paint

Everything made sense except paint kits so I looked them up online. I would have hated to start painting only to find I was missing necessary supplies. Here’s what I found.

This is a paint kit

This is a paint kit

Since this didn’t seem essential to my task, I ignored it. As if the paint kit wasn’t strange enough, I noticed one crucial item missing from the list – a paint can opener. Fortunately, I had one of these so I was able to paint.

You can't paint unless you can open the can

You can’t paint unless you can open the can

If I’m being totally honest, I have to admit there’s one more supply I wish I’d had – a professional to do the work! Oh well, the results were worth the pain.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Horse Whisperer

Whispering Horse

What? What??

I Can Read Your Mind

Last week when walking into an elevator, two men followed me inside. I pressed the button for my floor and one of the men said “How did you know what floor I wanted?” He went on to say that he always thought women could read men’s minds. I told him he was right – that we could read minds. He then said he’s careful about what he thinks when he’s around women for this very reason. The second gentlemen, watching our exchange, started to chuckle until I gave him my best “I can read your mind” stare at which point he averted his gaze and simply looked at the floor.

When I left my meeting, I noticed a long line of people waiting outside another building, but I couldn’t tell what they were waiting for. I walked to the end of the line and asked the last man standing what was going on. He replied with questions. “I’m in line for Tesla? It’s the first day you can preorder? And put down a deposit?” Apparently, he wasn’t sure what he was waiting for but because I’m a woman and I can read minds, I confirmed his questions were indeed fact. It also helped that I saw the line snaking into the Tesla showroom.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

PSYCHIC

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