I Need To Enunciate

The other day I noticed that Stephen’s shower pouf might need to be replaced. 

Can you tell which pouf is Stephen’s?

Pam: Would you like a new pouf? Yours is the size of a basketball.

Stephen: How do you know what my poo looks like?

[Long… pause]

Pam: I said pouf – as in shower.

I must say that I was astounded by this particular conversation. Can he really move something the size of a basketball? If he’d said something like the following, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.

I know my exploits in the gastrointestinal arena are quite impressive, but no one, not even I, can produce poo the size of a basketball.

Clearly, if I want to keep future misunderstandings out of the toilet, I’m going to have enunciate more clearly.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Lemonade

Lemon aides are requested most often in the summer even though they don’t have a sweet disposition

Because We Need To Laugh

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Preparation A

As the stadium sized asteroid flies by earth in two days, our planet will remain safe. Presenting Preparation A by Space Force.

Modem Operandi

We recently had to install a new modem for phone and internet connectivity. I was told by the person who sent the modem that the installation process would be easy – that anyone could do it.

She didn’t tell me it would take more than five hours on the phone with a customer service agent and involve goats, fair maidens and the dark web. In a nutshell, here are the instructions.

Step 1: Dress your goat up like a fairy. (In our case we had to get the goat first, so technically this is step 2.)

Step 2: During the next full moon, gather a group of fair young maidens along the side of a lake and have them dance for the goat until it is content.

Step 3: Have the fair maidens feed the goat until it is sated.

Step 4: Collect the goat’s droppings and place them in a witch’s cauldron filled with chicken broth, eye of newt, scale of dragon, the gullet of a ravenous shark and the root of hemlock. (All the specialty ingredients were on eBay.)

Step 5: Under the watchful eye of outer space aliens, go to the Great Secret Goat Pyramid to burn the contents of the cauldron.

Step 6: Capture the sacrificial smoke in a paper bag and seal it with wax. Not any wax will do. It must be wax specifically designed for this purpose. (We found ours on Amazon.)

Step 7: Throw the smoke bag into an underground river while chanting “modem modem” in pig latin.

Step 8: Dressed in sacrificial clothing purchased through the dark web (again, Amazon), reset the modem while at the same time reciting the lyrics to “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” backwards.

That’s not so hard.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Hedgehog

Harold definitely has a green toe. Every year he poses proudly in front of his hedges.

Wasted Act of Kindness

Shortly after quarantine, I had to go to Walgreens. When I parked, I noticed several people were sitting in their cars but paid it no attention. I walked up to the store and the automatic door didn’t open.

This happens to me sometimes, so I went to the second door surprised to find it wouldn’t open either. I waved my hands over my head at both doors thinking I could activate them.

Again, nothing. Then I saw a sign that said the store didn’t open till 9:00. Ah, that explained the people sitting in their cars. I went back to mine to wait the 10 minutes until opening.

As I was waiting, another woman walked up to the doors, peered inside, and knocked repeatedly. When I was trying to get inside, no one told me the store wasn’t open. In fact, the car bound spectators probably watched me and laughed.

To spare this woman the same frustration, I opened my door, got out of the car and yelled “They don’t open until 9”. She turned around and yelled back “I know – I work here”.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam