True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Location Is Everything

Imagine if these businesses were located next to each other.

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Together, they provide a whole new perspective.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Iowa Caucus

Iowa Cock Ass

Iowa Cock Ass

The Doctor’s Visit

There are two things I especially dislike about going to the doctor: the weigh-in and getting my blood drawn.

It’s no secret that I’ve gained weight. I’m not proud of myself, so when the time came to show my hand at the doctor’s office, I wanted to avoid it.

When the nurse called my name from the waiting room, I followed her down the hall to the dreaded scale. She instructed me to set my purse down and face the moment of truth (my words, not hers).

Instead of complying, I looked her in the eye and said “I’ll give you five bucks if you write down the same number as last time… but I’m going to need change for a twenty.” She burst out laughing, said she wished she could take bribes and then told me to get on the scale.

My next challenge was the blood drawing. One of the worst things about this experience for me is the anticipation. I was devastated when I entered the lab to find three people in line ahead of me.

The waiting area was small, so I was forced to sit in a chair with a view of the blood drawing area. Fortunately, when the first name was called, I was able to move farther away from the torture chamber.

When my time finally came, I sat in the blood-letting chair and squeezed my eyes shut, imagining the needle the size of a javelin. I made terrible faces, started to hyperventilate and turned my head as far away from the needle as possible.

Without giving eye contact to my tormentor, I asked her to do me a favor. I said “If I pass out, please finish drawing my blood before you revive me.” She asked if I thought I was going to faint. I told her no but I wanted her to promise anyway.

She drew my blood without incident but I wish I had fainted. The memory lingers like a bad dream.

I’m thankful my appointment is over – safe for another 6 months.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

I wish I had a mini-me like Dr. Evil to stand in during the icky parts

I wish I had a mini-me like Dr. Evil to stand in during the icky parts

Dress Code

Can you read it?

Can you read it?

Breakfast Conversation

In the mornings before work, Stephen usually wolfs down a quick breakfast. There’s been a loaf of soda bread in the fridge for weeks and it’s nearly rock hard, so I bought a fresh loaf to replace it. A couple of days ago, Stephen was eating soda bread and I asked how the new bread tasted. He didn’t know because he was still eating the old loaf. The next morning, he chose to eat old cookies, again bypassing the fresh bread. Here was our conversation.

Pam: Those cookies look stale. You know there’s fresh soda bread in the fridge.

Stephen: I know. The cookies are stale.

Pam: Ah, I get it. You’re waiting for the soda bread to get stale before you eat it. Next time I’ll see if they can sell me a stale loaf so you don’t have to wait.

Stephen: Yeah, funny. These cookies taste terrible.

Pam: Why don’t you eat some of the soda bread? It’s fresh.

Stephen: I’m eating a prepper’s breakfast. When the apocalypse hits the food will be stale and I won’t have to adjust. Besides, I’m already used to the stomach ache.

Today I’ve hidden all the old food and Stephen’s going to have to eat fresh bread or go hungry. I’m a little nervous about it, though. The fresh, good tasting food will probably make him sick.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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Breakfast of Preppers

Ostracized

Ever felt the sting of being Ostrich-eyed?

Ever felt the sting of being Ostrich-eyed?

This little piggy went to market.

The Big Toe represents the principal of the foot. It is usually an educated, older white male regardless of the gender or skin color of its owner. There’s very little diversity among big toes. Clearly in control, the other little piggies are forced to follow the Big Toe’s lead. The Big Toe doesn’t care about the others, only what they can do for him. He provides direction but the lesser piggies do most of the work. He’s pampered because he’s viewed to be the most important of the toes. However, truth be told, he couldn’t function properly without the other piggies. He’s also extremely well paid, so he can afford to go to the market anytime he wants.

This little piggy stayed home.

The Second Toe is Big Toe’s key advisor. Most often white male, he takes orders from Big Toe and directs the actions of the other piggies through his key advisor, Middle Toe. He filters communication back up to Big Toe as necessary – only to the extent Big Toe might be personally affected. He’s also well cared for but is expendable like the other piggies. Because of his highly stressful position, he often calls in “sick”. Although he stays home quite often, he still works very hard.

This little piggy had roast beef.

Perhaps the hardest working piggy, Middle Toe works directly with all the toes. This is the toe where diversity becomes evident. She’s extremely conscientious and proud of the position she’s achieved, although she would like to be acknowledged for her efforts. She may not be wealthy but she has enough to feed her family roast beef.

This little piggy had none.

Fourth Toe is undervalued and under appreciated. She works as hard as the other toes but is often overlooked as a key player. She doesn’t earn enough to buy roast beef but she still makes a decent living. Unfortunately she’s easily expendable and she knows it. Nevertheless, when she’s not surfing the web, she contributes her part to make the foot move forward.

This little piggy went “wee wee wee” all the way home.

Little Piggy clearly doesn’t give a sh*t. He shows up to work every day but contributes as little as possible. He’s self conscious because he’s smaller than the others and has a slightly different shape. Consistently ignored, he spends more time whining and complaining about the other piggies than he does working. The others aren’t even sure why he’s there because he rarely adds value.

The lesson.

If Big Toe got his head out of the end of the shoe and acknowledged the value of his other toes, the foot would run faster and longer, improving the whole body.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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This lucky little piggy couldn’t care less, viewing these lessons as spam

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