True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Knotty Pine

Naughty Pine

Naughty Pine

Getting hit by a car is easier than you might think. I know because it happened to me.

First, get out of the car.

You must be on the passenger side

You must be on the passenger side

Second, tell the driver they must back the car up.

Try to be nice about it because the driver is about to run over you

Try to be nice about it because the driver is about to run over you

Finally, provide the driver with direction. Leave the door open so they can hear you.

Be sure to turn your back to the door so you can't see it coming

Be sure to turn your back to the door so you can’t see it coming

That’s it. You, too, can get hit by a car following these three easy steps. However, I don’t recommend it.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Yin and Yang

The perfect balance

The perfect balance

Photo credit: Ken Hansen, Joan of Art, Williston, North Dakota

Face It

The older I get, the more I wish for nanobots to smooth my skin, restore my vision, and de-gray my hair – among other things.

Until these little miracle robots are available to the public, we have to search for alternatives if we want to maintain a youthful appearance.

1. Bird Dropping Facial

For $180, you can have someone soak your face in bird poop. Droppings are collected from farm-raised Japanese nightingales (apparently U.S. birds don’t have “the touch”), dried into a powder, liquified with rice bran, then rubbed on your skin.

 2. The Snail Facial

For the low cost of $250, you can have snails slime their way across your face. If you’re not partial to live creatures dancing on your skin, a snail lotion is also available.

3. The Vampire Face-Lift

For $1000 – $3,000, a doctor draws your blood, treats it, and then injects it back into your face, lasting up to 15 months. I wonder if people who’ve had this procedure can go outside during the day.

4. Face Slapping

I got excited when I saw this one until I realized they were going to slap my face, not the other way around. In only 15-20 minutes, you can have the wrinkles slapped completely off your face. The cost is $350 per treatment and lasts several months. Face Slapping has probably risen in popularity following the release of 50 Shades of Grey.

5. Human Placenta Facial

At $1,000 a week, this is one of the most expensive procedures. It’s not clear where the placentas come from, but the treatment is guaranteed to make your face baby smooth.

6. Bee Venom Facial

The thought of getting stung to smooth skin doesn’t seem reasonable. Fortunately, that’s not what happens. Venom is extracted from the bees and then rubbed on your face. Apparently, milking bees is a rare and intricate skill because this treatment is the most expensive at $55,000.

Personally, I’m holding out for the nanobots and am more than willing to be in the test group.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Amy's willing to donate to the cause

Amy’s willing to donate to the cause

Carol was stunned to learn her mother was right - you really shouldn't play with your food

Carol was stunned to learn her mother was right – you really shouldn’t play with your food

This past year has been rough due to several personal losses.

Attempting to cope with the stress, I’ve continued my normal exercise routine but increased my chewing activity. As one who was accustomed to eating healthy foods in moderation, now I find sugar stuck to my teeth and chip salt on my fingertips. Ugh – I’ve gained weight.

This summer I’m going to visit someone who’s first words (in a condescending tone) will likely be “You’ve gained weight.”

In preparation, I’ve compiled some clever responses.

“You look like you’ve gained weight.”

  1. Thanks for telling me – I had no idea.
  2. I’m glad you announced it in front of everyone – I wasn’t sure how to break the news.
  3. I’m so glad you noticed – I’m quite proud!
  4. I love it when people remind me – I keep forgetting.
  5. OMG – that explains why my clothes are tighter!
  6. No – you’ve lost weight and I only look bigger in comparison.
  7. What you see is the result of global warming. I’m retaining the water lost by icebergs.
  8. Actually I’m having an allergic reaction to my alien implants.
  9. Aach! Hurry – call the police! Someone stole my slender body and replaced it with this imposter!
  10. You are so sweet – thank you!
  11. Yes. How did you know?
  12. Thanks, I’ve been practicing.
  13. I thought so too!
  14. That’s what I was going to say!
  15. No, you’re mistaken. I’m the same size as the last time you saw me. (If you can enlist a co-conspirator to corroborate the lie, it’s even more fun.)
  16. How kind. I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are.
  17. I’d like to see things your way but I can’t get my head that far up my butt.
  18. Thank you for mentioning it – that’s exactly the confidence booster I needed.
  19. I can lose weight, but you’ll always be a jerk.
  20. Now I understand why people talk about you behind your back.

Whether or not I use any of these retorts, coming up with the list has been cathartic.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

I feel like a giant cow

I feel like a giant cow

Mothers

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day

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