True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Things My Mom Said

Spending a week with my 86 year old mother is always a trip – both in terms of distance and experience. She never disappoints with her quips and this year the slights fell on the mild side.

On make-up:

Mom: Have you ever thought about wearing eyeliner?

Pam: You mean like I’m wearing now?

Mom: How about eyeshadow – I think you would look good in eyeshadow.

Pam: I’m wearing eyeshadow.

I plan to really doll myself up next year

On boobs:

Mom: I think we should all (my sister included) get breast implants.

Pam: My boobs are already big – I don’t need implants.

Mom: You should get breast reduction surgery.

Pam: I don’t think I’m big enough for insurance to pay for it. Besides, I don’t want to go through any unnecessary surgery.

Mom: You would look better with smaller breasts.

Pam: How small do you think my breasts should be?

Mom: Get little nubbins – I think that would look good.

This year it was my face and boobs, last year it was my hair. I can’t wait to see what she says next year – we’re obviously working our way down my body.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Second image from greetingcarduniverse dot com

Rear View Mirror

Rears are closer than they appear

I spent last week visiting my family. When we take my mom out, I always push her wheelchair to give my sister a break. To make the experience fun, I push the chair to my own beat – which usually matches the music in the store. Unbeknownst to me, Diana captured a snippet on tape.

When she saw the video, Mom got a kick seeing what’s been going on behind her back all these years.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Meerkat

I love the capturing the mirror cat in the bathroom!

The Test Drive

After filling out a sweepstakes for a free car, Stephen received a call from headquarters to come in for a test drive. They said they were having a “HUGE” customer appreciation event and wanted him to attend. Because these events are always crowded, Stephen was encouraged to make an appointment. HQ exclaimed that people drive seven hours to attend these sales. They settled on Saturday morning at 9:10 with Craig. Stephen appeared at the allotted time expecting excitement filled with balloons, crowds and donuts.

Reality didn’t come close to expectations – he was the only customer.

Jim and Dan met him at the door. Stephen explained that he had an appointment with Craig because of the crowds. All three looked around and chuckled. The two salesmen offered their services as they directed Stephen to a car. During the drive, Stephen’s phone rang. He commented to Jim and Dan that it was probably “just his wife” so he could let it go to voicemail.

Just his wife

When it rang a second time, Stephen thought there might be an emergency so he pulled over to take the call. Mitch from the Texas office was on the other end.

Mitch: Where are you? You were supposed to check in with Craig at 9:10. You’re late!

Stephen: I was here at 9:00 and am test driving one of your cars now.

Mitch: You need to return to the dealership immediately and check in with Craig!

Jim and Dan told Stephen not to worry about it, deciding to continue the drive. A couple of minutes later, Stephen received a call from a California office enduring a conversation similar to the one from Texas.

After hearing Stephen’s story, I concluded this car was not for us. If they’re confused about sales, service would be downhill with no brakes.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Just his wife?!?

 

 

Independence

In Depends dance

The Goat

We love going to craft fairs. In the summer, there’s one happening nearly every weekend. Lately, Stephen has been attracted to goats and sheep, purchasing some unique finds. Take a look.

Notice the large, innocent sheep is holding a smaller sheep.

 

This little gem is made of clay.

Last weekend, the collection took a turn to the dark side. Walking past an artist’s booth, Stephen was attracted to a drawing of a goat. I walked quickly past the booth hoping he wouldn’t see it, but I wasn’t fast enough. He purchased it, almost skipping out of the booth he was so giddy. Once we found a frame and mat, we hung the goat in the kitchen – near the toasters – the only appliance (aside from the microwave) that I’m authorized to use.

I’ve stared at this goat for a week now, every morning when I make my toast. I swear he’s staring back. He has red devilish eyes and there appear to be flames in the background, presumably from when he set the barn on fire (the farmer was probably inside).

Lucifer – the goat from Hell

I don’t trust this animal. I’ve begun to closely supervise the toaster to make sure nothing bursts into flames. I try not to turn my back on the photo just in case it really is possessed. So far, he hasn’t attacked me during the night, but I fear it’s only a matter of time.

At the next craft show, I’m going to look for a picture of a coyote in hopes it will eat the goat. Once the coyote has finished his meal, I’ll set him free with the other coyotes in the park, restoring the balance of nature. In the mean time, I remain vigilant.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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