On August 21 a giant invisible serpent will slowly devour and regurgitate the sun.
The air will become electric and animals will howl, including those with fur and four legs.
During the brief moments of this wondrous event, horrors of untold magnitude will unfold. Although I know nothing about these abominations (because they are untold), that won’t stop me from providing information needed to survive these monstrosities, while still enjoying the eclipse.
It’s common during a solar eclipse for large groups of people to gather. Because everyone’s attention is turned to the sky, the most obvious dangers will come from the ground. To ensure your survival, you will need to bring the following items:
- wooden stake
- silver forks (not stainless steel)
- tin foil hat
- head phones or ear plugs
The most prevalent threat will be vampires.
Normally limited to nighttime activities, there will be enough ultraviolet restriction during even a partial eclipse that vampires will venture out for a daytime snack. Although they are the fastest and most ubiquitous threat, they are also the easiest to guard against. Wear garlic around your neck to keep them at bay. As an added precaution, keep your wooden stake handy. Should they unexpectedly attack, simply thrust the stake through their heart.
The second menace will come from the lycanthrope family, aka werewolves.
One might normally think werewolves wouldn’t surface since solar eclipses only happen during a new moon and werewolves exist only during full moons. However, the moon’s silhouette appears full during the eclipse stimulating the lycanthropic switch. Because wolves are pack animals, your best and easiest measure of protection is to move to the center of the crowd as werewolves will attack outliers first. If they do approach, threaten them with your silver fork as a signal to choose an easier target.
Solar eclipses are beacons for alien attacks. Don a tin foil hat to prevent aliens from controlling your mind. They rarely make physical appearances during an eclipse because attention is focused on the celestial display and they don’t like to share the spotlight. You can be confident the hat will provide sufficient protection.
Finally, the most frightening threat of all – politicians.
Fortunately they will be locked out of congress during the eclipse. However, in case you see them in the crowd, have your head phones or ear plugs ready to protect yourself from their rhetoric.
By following this simple guide, you will live to tell family and friends about your experience. Additionally, you will give others something to laugh about.
Safe viewing and may the farce be with you!
Last week our refrigerator died. This is how I felt when the one kitchen appliance I knew how to operate became nonfunctional.
My sister said it was my fault the fridge died, that I killed it with magnets.
Sadly, I proved her wrong because when I removed the magnets, the fridge still didn’t work.
The importance of a refrigerator became crystal clear once we no longer had one. Doing a little online research, I found the most expensive fridge on the market and knew if I had over $40K burning a hole in my pocket and had space to spare, I would probably use that money to buy something else.
We went for a more basic model that only keeps food cold and frozen – I know how to operate it.
If I were planning to spend an exorbitant sum on a kitchen appliance such as a fridge, I would want it to do much more than simply hold food. I’ve given this a lot of thought and have started saving money for a new genius fridge that hasn’t been invented yet. Not only will it keep food cold, it will control a robot that will drive a car, shop, cook, set the table and clean up after every meal.
Now this would be a fridge I couldn’t do without. I’d just have to make sure the robot could teach me how to use it.
May the farce be with you!
My sister, Diana, and I had the great fortune of spending two weeks together. Although we’re separated by 900 miles, we always have fun when we’re united. To provide a taste of what we’re like when we’re with one another, I’ve taken our most memorable conversations out of context.
1. The Seatbelt
Going for a ride in our sidecar motorcycle:
Diana: Where’s the seatbelt?
Me: It’s a motorcycle – there aren’t any seatbelts. That’s why you’re wearing a helmet.
2. The Driver
As I’m driving:
Diana: Why are your arms straight?
Me: So I can reach the steering wheel. It’s important to vehicular safety to hold the steering wheel when you drive.
3. The Refrigerator
Standing in the kitchen:
Diana: Do you have a refrigerator?
Me: Yes, it’s that big box you’re leaning against.
4. My Visit
After I arrived at her house:
Diana: Does Stephen know you’re here?
Me: Yes. He drove me to the airport.
However, I assure you, to the best of my memory, the quotes are accurate. If Diana was telling the story, she might present
But this is my story and I’m sticking to it.
May the farce be with you!