Following the debacle at the Republican National Convention, a profoundly funny fellow blogger, Jill Foer Hirsch, wrote a hilarious speech for Melania Trump. I enjoyed it so much, I asked Jill if I could repost it here. To check out more of Jill’s posts, go to Universal Musings or click on her link on my blog roll.
WTF Wednesday: Is Imitation The Sincerest Form Of Flattery?
So as a public service, I am offering, free of charge, a new speech for Melania. One composed from what I imagine might be her heart and soul, if in fact she possesses either or both of those things. So Melania, this is for you:
My Donald once said to me: “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.” He was so smart to think of such a great quote, yes?* And then some more scores ago he began to talk about how to get back to this concept and make America great again: a great white, Christian, heterosexual patriarchy. Just the way we liked it.
When I married my husband, I was mostly in it for the money and also to produce a child who would inherit a fortune. And my husband was in it so he could have a young, beautiful wife and pretend he is also young and beautiful. And so for many years now I have let this man sleep in my bed. And do stuff other than sleeping. Things I only want to do with my boyfriend, not with Captain Cheeto (that is my pet name for My Donald).
So I can tell you many things about this man. First, he wants everyone to know that he most definitely does not have small hands or a small anything. No. Everything is huuuuuuge (wink wink). You can’t imagine how wide my eyes got the first time I saw all of My Donald in his natural glory. I was shocked, to say the least. Second, he is very flexible. He is absolutely sincere about everything he says at the exact moment he says it. And if he contradicts himself in the next breath, he is absolutely sincere in his new statement.
My Donald will win this election because he is so much better than all those establishment Washington people. He has all the makings of someone who should lead our country. He doesn’t know anything at all about the Constitution or three branches of government. Is completely ignorant of both domestic and foreign policies. He couldn’t find China on a map. And he surrounds himself with beautiful, subservient women and a bunch of white men in suits who tell him he is wonderful. He is good with the money though. As soon as he is in the White House he will call his lawyer and file bankruptcy on behalf of the country, and poof! All debt will be forgiven. My Donald tells me this is how to succeed in business.
I love my adopted country, America. A land of opportunity for beautiful foreign models who marry rich older men. And I am talking about the True America that My Donald has pandered to. The America that is proudly uneducated. Staunchly science-denying. Frightened and threatened by people who do not look like us, talk like us, or have the exact same beliefs as we do. Also the America who thinks it would be very nice to have a First Lady who is simple arm candy and doesn’t worry her pretty little head with politics and men’s business. [Bat eyelashes and smile directly to camera].
Please please put My Donald in the White House. It is possible that he will be very good for this country! More importantly, My Donald will be busy so I will have more time to run around with my young handsome boyfriend. In conclusion, please rest assured that I wrote this entire speech all on my own, and did not show it to anyone before presenting it to you tonight.
*Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address. Duuuuh.
So WTF Melania? Sometimes we all forget the rest of that famous quote…
*I wrote the caption myself. Any similarity to words spoken by Donald Trump or others is purely coincidental.
Credits: Photo taken outside the Republican National Convention by Nathaniel Welch/REDUX
Sitting in a small waiting room before a doctor’s appointment, I observed the following exchange. A distinguished looking gentleman entered the waiting area. He appeared to be in his 60s, was dressed in an expensive looking suit carrying a large briefcase. He walked up to the receptionist and loudly declared “I’m here for the deposition.” A patient sitting adjacent to me looked around and said “Holy Shit!” He nudged the lady next to him and said “Did you hear that? One of the doctors is being sued!” Anyone who missed the attorney’s declaration clearly heard the message from patient zero. Now the attorney had more than my attention, all eyes were on him.
A few minutes later, a woman walked in. She was crisply groomed, dressed in a designer suit, pulling a wheeled briefcase. My guess – attorney #2. She was wearing a medical boot on her left foot that went all the way up to her knee. Based on the specialty of the office, one of the doctors could have treated her – including the doctor who was being sued. After a minute or so of pleasantries between the two attorneys, the nurses buzzed her through to the back. Based on this, I discerned the gentleman was for the prosecution and the woman for the defense.
The prosecuting attorney stood around for a few more minutes. He was clearly becoming exasperated, taking deep breaths, shaking his head, frowning, looking at his watch. He went back to the receptionist and asked if he could use their phone – his cell wasn’t working. When he made the call, it went something like this. He was talking loudly to ensure the people in the waiting room heard every word.
“Hi. I’m still waiting, apparently Dr. Seuss (name changed to protect the innocent) is running late. He should be here in about 10 minutes.”
When the prosecuting attorney identified the doctor who was being sued, it was just as easy to tell which patients were his as it was to identify those who saw a different doctor. But there’s more.
“Please call Dan Crumbley and give him an update. DAN CRUMBLEY – C – R – U – M – B – L – E – Y. He’s the patient.”
So much for patient confidentiality and attorney-client privilege.
Unfortunately, I missed the rest of the show because I was called in to see my doctor, who was NOT being sued – at least by this guy. I have to say, this was the most interesting waiting room experience I’ve ever had.
May the farce be with you!
Stephen and I recently took a trip with a dear friend. At the end of a long day of socializing, we all retired to our respective hotel rooms. Parting company for the evening, Linda asked if we would give her a quick wake-up call the next morning. Our response – of course.
Before going to bed, I tried connecting to the hotel’s wi-fi. After several unsuccessful attempts, Stephen called the front desk for the correct password. When he picked up the hotel phone it was dead so he used his cell instead.
Finally getting online, it hit me. Our room phone was dead – we wouldn’t be able to give Linda her wake-up call. Since I was already in my night shirt, I asked Stephen to go next door to tell Linda we couldn’t call her in the morning. Because it was late and we didn’t know if she would be in bed, Stephen didn’t want to knock on her door. Instead, he called her room on his cell phone. CALLED…HER…ROOM to tell her we couldn’t call her to provide a wake-up call. When I realized we were calling her to tell her we couldn’t call her, I told Stephen to hang up – quick. We confessed the next morning and all got a good laugh.
Clearly there was a bad connection, only this one happened to be in my brain.
May the farce be with you!