True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

The Drip

It started with a drip, a constant, incessant drip… all night long. The faucet in our bathroom was leaking. Not only was it noisy, but it left a ring in the sink. Stephen intended to replace the washer but the faucet was too old. All attempts to take it apart failed. It was time to replace it.

Rather than go shopping, we ventured into the black hole known as our basement and grabbed a brand new faucet we had saved from our last house. Don’t judge – we’ve only lived in our current home for 19 years. We were victims of variable reinforcement – a powerful behavior modification tool that occurs when rewards happen on an unpredictable, intermittent schedule – like gambling. Behavior learned in this manner is the most difficult to extinguish. All pack rats are victims of variable reinforcement – we have to keep things because you never know when you might need them.

I’ll admit that the “new” faucet wasn’t perfect. A couple of the seals had dried out and needed to be replaced but it works great now. The sink is dry and we no longer fall asleep to the song of dripping water.

I was slightly worried when Stephen was replacing the faucet because I wasn’t convinced he had what it took to be a plumber. He just didn’t look the part. I asked him to pull the back of his pants down but he wouldn’t do it. I’ve decided to buy him a t-shirt for future projects that will enhance his credibility.

Credibility enhancing shirt

Now that the new faucet is in place, every time I look at it, this song comes to mind.

Ode To Dripping Water

(To be sung to the tune of Sounds of Silence)

Hello faucet, my old friend

It’s nice to wash with you again

Because slow water softly dripping

Left a ring while I was sleeping

And the clamor that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Now all I hear is silence

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

(Shirt available from Stoopid Deals)

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Devil’s Advocate

Regardless of what his lawyer says, I think he’s guilty

Off Balance

Yesterday, Stephen threw me off balance with his crazy idea.

Stephen: I’m going to have my inner ear removed.

Pam: What?!?!?!?

Stephen: I’m going to have my inner ear removed.

Pam: Why?!?!?!?

Stephen: Balance isn’t important anymore. There’s no balance of power. There’s no balanced budget. There’s no balanced reporting. There’s no balance of nature. There’s no work-life balance.

At first I thought the balance of his mind was disturbed, but then he said enough to tip the balance. I may have my inner ear removed, too.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

P.S. We both still have our inner ears. Funny, we can’t find a doctor willing to remove them!

Stephen’s always been a bit off balance.

 

Beer Garden

It’s a sure sign of Spring when the beer begins to sprout.

I learned the hard way that the flu is not a linear illness. I got violently ill, started feeling a little better and then lost steam. At several points, it felt as though life as I knew it was over. About to resign myself to a life of pain and solitude, my body won the battle. Here’s what the flu looks like. Hope you never have to experience it firsthand.

Life is wonderful. You have no idea that you are infecting yourself with the flu by licking the window.

You sleep soundly because life is good.

When you wake up, something isn’t quite right.

Everything hurts. EVERYTHING.

You realize what’s happened and want to hide.

It’s impossible to get comfortable.

Still can’t get comfortable.

Nope, still not comfortable.

Will never be comfortable again… ever.

You finally start to feel better but you’re sooooo tired.

Your energy starts to return but it’s really nice to be carried.

You feel like playing again!

Okay, maybe it’s a little more complicated, but nobody wants to hear about it.

Here’s my definitive advice: Avoid the flu like the plague. Unless, of course, the flu is the plague then simply avoid the plague. I realize through this conversation that my brain may not have returned to it’s natural state (notice I didn’t say normal).

Like I said, I’d never claim to be normal

Stay healthy and may the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Easter Fool’s Day

Easter falls on April Fool’s

Where egg hunts led, now pranksters rule

The bunny dons a Santa suit

Baskets filled with Christmas loot

Chocolate puppies in the stores

Peeps that look like tiny boars

Nothing beats what next you’ll see

The stores displaying Christmas trees

It’s funny but kinda mean at the same time

Image from NobleWorks Cars

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