True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment


A few days ago during my normal morning routine, I went to the fridge, grabbed two pieces of bread and put them in the toaster.  When I pushed the lever to start making toast nothing happened.

For most people this would be an inconvenience.  For me, it was a disaster. The only two cooking appliances in my kitchen that I am allowed to use are the toaster and the microwave and I know the microwave doesn’t know how to make toast.

Since my only other breakfast option was an English muffin that also required the services of a toaster, I was dumbfounded about what to do next.

I don’t cook and have never been able to.  I confirmed this fact many years ago when I tried to boil oil.  In case you don’t know, it doesn’t boil – it bursts into flames.  And in case you don’t know, you should use baking soda NOT flour to put it out.  (Flour makes the fire bigger.) Both hard earned lessons. Literally trial by fire.

My family and I all agree that I am a danger in the kitchen and should stay away from fire of any kind.  The joke is that our home owner’s insurance would double if I tried to cook.

However, I digress – back to the original story.

I’m standing there by the toaster staring at it as if my gaze would cause it to work again.  I hit the lever – nothing.  I hit the sides – nothing. I lifted the toaster and slammed it on the counter – nothing.  I even held the lever down willing it to heat up – nothing.

Then I did the unthinkable.  I looked at the stove.  It didn’t look dangerous just sitting there by itself.  So I decided to take a risk and see if I could make toast using a pan on top of the stove.

I’m not a daredevil so I didn’t use the broiler although I briefly considered it.  But when my mind’s eye “saw” the toast on fire with flames spreading up the walls of the kitchen, I knew the broiler was not an option.

Daringly, I grabbed a pan and made sure it was big enough to hold two slices of bread side by side.  I certainly didn’t want to test my luck by trying to brown the bread one slice at a time.  The less time spent with a fire going the better.

Once I selected my pan I stood as far away from the stove as possible. Then crouching down and using a cookie sheet as a shield, I lit the burner.  Much to my surprise and relief, the burner lit without any type of explosion.  I put the pan on the burner with the bread in it and a few minutes later I had toast.

Not wanting to test fate, once the bread had been browned, I quickly turned the burner off.  I left the pan on the stove (handle in of course) for several hours to make sure it was cool enough before I washed it. I have a problem getting burned, too.

The end result was that I had a lovely breakfast with no disaster.  Of course, I wouldn’t want to do it again so now I have a new toaster.

One last thing?  Please, don’t tell my State Farm agent that I used the stove!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Scones I Baked (Not!) - Stephen baked them


Comments on: "Firestarter" (6)

  1. I’m glad to hear you survived your breakfast ordeal! I commend your resourcefulness, and am glad you didn’t have to go hungry. I might have seen it as an omen that I should go out for breakfast!!!

  2. This was funny. Just one thing I kept wondering — was the toaster plugged in? 🙂

  3. Stephen Hansen said:

    mmmmm, mmmmm scones.

    Good story Pam I always enjoy reading them.

  4. Michael Olejnik said:

    Maybe a future story regarding how much minced garlic is too much minced garlic is in order.

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