True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment


I used to work with a woman who would express her frustration by damaging inanimate objects.  She had a Pillsbury Dough Boy whose head she would rip off on a regular basis.  I didn’t want to get involved but I also knew that if I didn’t protect the Dough Boy, no one would.

So one day after photographing the crime scene, I kidnapped her Dough Boy.

Grisly Crime Scene Image

Over the course of several weeks, I proceeded to photograph it in various activities and sent a ransom note, the photos and commentary explaining each picture.

Doughboy During Happier Times (with strategic product placement)

My friend was very distraught over the loss of her Dough Boy and promised to stop ripping its head off if the unknown kidnapper would only return it safely to her care. Eventually I took her pleas seriously, returned it to her, and confessed to my own crime.

Years later I look back and wonder if I made a mistake.

Not in returning it but by protecting it in the first place.

Why do I feel this way you ask? I read a disturbing headline that really hit home: “Killer Biscuits Wanted For Attempted Murder”.

The urban legend describes a woman who was found sitting in her car holding the back of her head. Passersby noticed and checked to see if she was okay. She claimed that she was shot in the head and couldn’t move because she was holding her brains in, keeping them from falling out.

Once paramedics arrived, they found that a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded in her car (making a loud noise like a gun shot) and hit her in the back of the head. The “brains” she was holding was the dough.

Not that it makes a difference, but it is believed the woman was blond.

If only I had allowed my friend to stop the Doughboy so many years ago, that poor victimized woman would not be raising eyebrows today.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


P.S. If you celebrate Thanksgiving and are baking with Doughboy products, you might want to watch your back.

Comments on: "D’oh!" (2)

  1. Mark Turner said:

    Loved the story.

  2. Thanks – it’s true!

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