Recently I’ve been setting off department store alarms. I’m not stealing anything. It happens when I enter and leave the store.
In an effort to learn what sets them off, I conducted an experiment. In one store, I first passed the sensor without my purse, then progressively removed my coat, jewelry, watch, cell phone, and shoes. Each time the alarm sounded. I couldn’t strip any further so I assumed it was me.
When a manager came to investigate, she said that occasionally people activate the alarm. People, not things.
Entering the next store, I immediately alerted a clerk to my plight. After shopping, I reminded her the alarm might sound. She optimistically stated that perhaps it wouldn’t. Exiting the store unaccompanied by a blaring squeal, I returned to tell her she was right. However, my return set off the alarm.
In the absence of hard evidence, I hypothesize several reasons the alarms sound in my presence.
- Aura: Electromagnetic field surrounding the body. Invisible to the naked eye. Maybe mine’s electrifying.
- Alien Implant: It’s possible that I might have been abducted by aliens. If true, then my alien implant sets off store alarms. It only occurs intermittently when the aliens activate the implant to check on me.
- A knife in my back: The news reported that a man spent three years with a three inch knife lodged in his back. Doctors failed to notice. The man also served time in jail and the metal detector would go off every time the guards waved the wand over his back. They didn’t catch the knife either. Store alarms probably aren’t much different. I worked in business for over 20 years so I’m sure more than one person put a knife in my back. Seems like a logical explanation.
Once this mystery’s solved, perhaps I can figure out why I can’t get automatic toilets to flush or automatic faucets and hand dryers to turn on.
May the farce be with you!