True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Fractured Cliché #53

I’m domestically challenged. I’ve admitted this before and although I’m not proud, the fact remains.

Sometimes my friends forget the extent of my, um, disability. They’ll ask me to help with “little” things in the kitchen. With my limitations, nothing is little. The beauty is that I’m always only asked once.

One of my most memorable blunders occurred when I was asked to slice tomatoes. For the average person, this might sound relatively easy. However, for me there’s a lot to consider. A tomato is round with no obvious up or down side. Therefore, when slicing a tomato, it’s not clear where to start.

Well, I sliced the tomato wrong. The person who asked me to complete this task, with full knowledge of my incompetence, couldn’t understand how I could mess up something so simple.

I’ll tell you how. There were no instructions. In the kitchen instructions are rarely detailed enough for me. That’s why I should never be asked to assist with cooking or food preparation of any kind.

Although today’s blunder isn’t technically a cliché, the sentiment still applies.

Fractured Phrase: Beefcake Tomato

Fractured Phrase: Beefsteak Tomato

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Beefcake Tomato

Beefcake Tomato


Comments on: "Fractured Cliché #53" (6)

  1. That’s a great way to get out of kitchen duties. My daughters take turns hosting all holidays and at home there are preciously few meals I spend time on any more.

    I’m on strike since Gourmet magazine got trashed by Conde Nast.

    • The last time I hosted a holiday, the turkey cooked at 200 degrees for 8 hours. Our meal consisted of instant mashed potatoes and stuffing. No one asks me to host… ever

  2. Two words: Food Network. I mean, if you actually want to learn how to cook. If you just want a good excuse to stay out of the kitchen, then steer clear…

    • No one wants me to cook. I had a fire once (oil doesn’t boil and it’s baking soda not flour that puts the fire out). We’re afraid our home insurance premiums would skyrocket if I started cooking. Really, no one wants me to cook.

  3. Such rosy cheeks!
    (anyone who tells someone they sliced the tomato incorrectly deserves all the kitchen chores…really. An artist must slice traditions!)

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