This past year has been rough due to several personal losses.
Attempting to cope with the stress, I’ve continued my normal exercise routine but increased my chewing activity. As one who was accustomed to eating healthy foods in moderation, now I find sugar stuck to my teeth and chip salt on my fingertips. Ugh – I’ve gained weight.
This summer I’m going to visit someone who’s first words (in a condescending tone) will likely be “You’ve gained weight.”
In preparation, I’ve compiled some clever responses.
“You look like you’ve gained weight.”
- Thanks for telling me – I had no idea.
- I’m glad you announced it in front of everyone – I wasn’t sure how to break the news.
- I’m so glad you noticed – I’m quite proud!
- I love it when people remind me – I keep forgetting.
- OMG – that explains why my clothes are tighter!
- No – you’ve lost weight and I only look bigger in comparison.
- What you see is the result of global warming. I’m retaining the water lost by icebergs.
- Actually I’m having an allergic reaction to my alien implants.
- Aach! Hurry – call the police! Someone stole my slender body and replaced it with this imposter!
- You are so sweet – thank you!
- Yes. How did you know?
- Thanks, I’ve been practicing.
- I thought so too!
- That’s what I was going to say!
- No, you’re mistaken. I’m the same size as the last time you saw me. (If you can enlist a co-conspirator to corroborate the lie, it’s even more fun.)
- How kind. I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are.
- I’d like to see things your way but I can’t get my head that far up my butt.
- Thank you for mentioning it – that’s exactly the confidence booster I needed.
- I can lose weight, but you’ll always be a jerk.
- Now I understand why people talk about you behind your back.
Whether or not I use any of these retorts, coming up with the list has been cathartic.
May the farce be with you!