The older I get, the more I wish for nanobots to smooth my skin, restore my vision, and de-gray my hair – among other things.
Until these little miracle robots are available to the public, we have to search for alternatives if we want to maintain a youthful appearance.
1. Bird Dropping Facial
For $180, you can have someone soak your face in bird poop. Droppings are collected from farm-raised Japanese nightingales (apparently U.S. birds don’t have “the touch”), dried into a powder, liquified with rice bran, then rubbed on your skin.
2. The Snail Facial
For the low cost of $250, you can have snails slime their way across your face. If you’re not partial to live creatures dancing on your skin, a snail lotion is also available.
3. The Vampire Face-Lift
For $1000 – $3,000, a doctor draws your blood, treats it, and then injects it back into your face, lasting up to 15 months. I wonder if people who’ve had this procedure can go outside during the day.
4. Face Slapping
I got excited when I saw this one until I realized they were going to slap my face, not the other way around. In only 15-20 minutes, you can have the wrinkles slapped completely off your face. The cost is $350 per treatment and lasts several months. Face Slapping has probably risen in popularity following the release of 50 Shades of Grey.
5. Human Placenta Facial
At $1,000 a week, this is one of the most expensive procedures. It’s not clear where the placentas come from, but the treatment is guaranteed to make your face baby smooth.
6. Bee Venom Facial
The thought of getting stung to smooth skin doesn’t seem reasonable. Fortunately, that’s not what happens. Venom is extracted from the bees and then rubbed on your face. Apparently, milking bees is a rare and intricate skill because this treatment is the most expensive at $55,000.
Personally, I’m holding out for the nanobots and am more than willing to be in the test group.
May the farce be with you!