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Five Alarm Alarm

Most products have warning labels, many of which are stupid. But once in a while, manufacturers get it right. Before I delve into the warning label I found particularly meaningful, let’s go through a few that aren’t; starting with one we all know.

For years, I resented the threatening tag attached to my pillows, mocking me at every turn. I never understood why it was illegal to remove the tag, wondering if I tore it from its mooring I would be immediately incarcerated. Would my imprisonment mirror Martha Stewart’s or be a place like San Quentin? When I finally summoned the courage to rip it off, the feeling was invigorating. To date, I’ve not been charged with a crime.

Of course, this isn’t the only crazy warning label out there. Following are a few others I found astounding, although I have to admit some offer good advice.

Does this imply you can put creatures that aren’t people in the machine?

How do they know? Did they test it?

I sleep when I dry my hair all the time.

I concede – it’s good advice to wash clothes inside out.

Oh come on – I couldn’t even get this in my mouth.

This brings me to the masterpiece of warning labels found in my own home.

The other morning, a fire alarm started beeping, transitioning to a constant blare. The siren was piercing. Amy (parrot) started screaming and my dogs ran anxiously through the house until they found the perfect hiding place. Fortunately, there was no actual fire. Struggling through the blast, I extracted the battery and unplugged the offending tocsin.

As shown in the photo, the warning clearly states “continuous horn indicates alarm”. Good job Firex – I was definitely alarmed and so were my pets. Your warning was spot-on.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,





Johnny never shared his toys. He always made Billy cry. He was shellfish.

Mulberry Whine

Our first dog was a little Italian Greyhound we named Tony. Italian Greyhounds (IGs) look like big Greyhounds you left in the dryer too long. Although IGs don’t race, they love to run. Fortunately, we had a fenced back yard so Tony could run to his heart’s delight.

One day after running in the yard, I noticed spots on the back of Tony’s legs. We had a Mulberry tree so I thought the spots were stains and tried to wash them off. After nearly rubbing Tony’s skin raw, I realized they weren’t stains at all. They were freckles and freckles don’t wash off.

Freckles on Tony’s legs

Over the years we’ve been owned by a total of six IGs, including Tony. Dogs 2 – 5 were rescues and adopted as adults. This summer, we broke the mold and went to a breeder for a puppy – Audrey. I guess in tribute to Tony, our only other puppy, I made a mistake akin to the freckle debacle.

While examining Audrey, I noticed something in her nose. Thinking it was a bird feather (we have birds in the house), I tried to pick it out of her nostril. Each attempt was unsuccessful. Upon closer examination, I realized that one of herĀ  nostrils was pink. I no longer pick her nose.

Audrey’s pink nostril

Having a puppy is an awesome experience as is adopting an adult dog. Remember these important lessons, some stains don’t come out and pick your noses with care.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


True Meaning of New Year’s Resolution


Whew, glad that’s over!

Photo credit: Angus & Phil

The End

I have always had a thutt – a lack of distinction between the thigh and butt. In other words, a flat butt. Since I’ve been working out, I think that maybe, just perhaps, my thutt has finally developed into two distinct body parts. But now I’m not so sure. See for yourself.

Stephen was hugging me with his hands on my backside. Our conversation went like this:

Stephen: Wow – you have a nice round birthday cake.

Pam: No I don’t, I have a thutt.

Stephen: Seriously, it’s really round.

Pam: You’re feeling my thighs.

Following a long pause, Stephen felt around to see if I was right. I felt like the thutt of my own joke.

After years of working out, I still think my thutt might have gotten a little rounder, butt in the end it doesn’t really matter.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,



Unrealistic New Year’s Resolution

Photo credit: NobleWorks Cards

Failed New Year’s Resolutions

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