True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

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Secure Bathroom

I feel safer when the bathrooms are secured

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Guardin’ of Eatin’ – A Poem

Now I’m lame in what I eat

There is no steak, there’s hardly meat

I’m watching carbs and sugars, too

I‘m missing pie and fats are few

I’m eating light, oh – woe is me

I’m stuck with fish and broccoli

Most fats are bad ‘cept Omega 3

So I’ll chow down on mercury

[Poem by Stephen]

Corn Belt

One of the children of the corn, Maize pops in her designer corn belt

A Man and The Wasps

People do stupid things. That’s one of the reasons superheroes are so important – they protect us from ourselves. Take Ant Man and the Wasp. Although tiny, ants are insanely strong with the ability to carry 50 times their body weight. Ant Man relies not only on his ant-like size but his strength and cunning as well. Wasps are terrifyingly incredible. They’re able to sting prey multiple times and when threatened, they can send a signal to other wasps to provide assistance. The Wasp, superhero, not only shrinks in size but she flies, is fast and strong. Together the superheros, Ant Man and the Wasp, take the best characteristics of their namesakes and work in concert to stop humanity’s asininity.

However, without superheroes in real life, sometimes there’s no way to stop the lunacy. One of our friends found a wasp’s nest under the eave of his second story home.

A nest can hold hundreds, even thousands, of wasps

In order to deal with the problem, he decided to take the following steps.

  1. Get a tall ladder and set it up under the nest
  2. Approach the nest after dark when all the wasps have returned for the night
  3. Have a few beers to garner courage stupidity
  4. Climb the ladder in the dark, punch a hole in the nest, spray poison
  5. If necessary, jump off the ladder and run

It’s amazing the difference a few letters can make.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Fruit Punch

How apples really get bruised

Pothead

I think my mom is trying to get me arrested. Last week we had an argument over the phone regarding my refusal to buy pot illegally.

It all started with a segment on the TV show The Doctors that focused on the benefits of pot for migraine sufferers. Mom told me about the episode and made me promise to talk to my doctor about it. When I spoke to him, he explained that since pot is illegal at the federal level, researchers are unable to conduct clinical trials, therefore, the evidence that pot helps migraines is anecdotal. However, does he think it could help? Yes, he does. The problem? Although medical marijuana is legal in Illinois, migraine headaches are not on the approved list so he’s unable to prescribe it.

When Mom heard this, she was outraged.

Mom: You mean there’s something your doctor could give you that might help your headaches and he won’t do it?!?

Pam: It’s not that he won’t do it, he can’t. Migraines don’t qualify as a pot-eligible medical condition. It would be illegal for him to prescribe it to me.

Mom: Well then go get it yourself. Forget about a prescription.

Pam: I can’t get it from a dispensary without a prescription and recreational marijuana is illegal in Illinois. If I bought it, I could get arrested.

Mom: Then go to Colorado and buy it. It’s legal there.

Pam: I could certainly buy pot in Colorado but I could get arrested as soon as I brought it into Illinois.

The conversation continued like this until Mom finally gave up. I think she ran out of ways to trick me into getting arrested.

Touché, Mom!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Pothead

One Carat Earring

I had wanted two carrot earrings until I realized that one carrot was a bit flashy

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