Archive for the ‘About Face’ Category
After helping Santa deliver 7,281,439,471* presents on Christmas Eve, the reindeer were entitled to a little overindulgence.
*Number of presents from noradsanta.org
It’s that time of year again. If you’re looking for something unique for those people on your shopping list, this just might do the trick.
1. For those who miss their pets while they’re away, you can order a pet nose print necklace. Store it in the freezer and press it to your skin for a realistic feel!
2. If a cold nose isn’t to your liking, you can have a cast made of your fingerprint and your pet’s paw print. I wonder if you can register the pendant with TSA to get precheck for you and your pet.
3. Cuddle Clone will make a stuffed animal in the likeness of your pet. I was wondering if they’d make one of my husband.
4. The Nude Guy Bobblehead is great for anyone because they place the head of your choice on a great body. Don’t worry – it’s G-rated. Other versions are also available.
5. When I saw the name of the next item – Stampyoface – I thought it meant that I could hire someone to trample someone’s face. As you can see, I was wrong.
6. Know someone who loves Legos? Give several, mix them up, and everyone can yell “le’go of my lego”.
7. I found this next item a little creepy yet somewhat compelling. It’s perfect for that narcissist on your list.
8. If the mask doesn’t do it for the narcissist in your life, maybe a full length selfie will do the trick.
9. You know how some dolls come alive at night to torture people? I’m not sure if Barbie dolls fall into that category, but for your own safety, be careful whose face you put on this next item.
10. For those in your circle who are planning to get married, this wedding cake topper makes for a very unique gift. As a bonus, if you don’t like the couple, you can make them feel awkward if they choose not to use it.
11. This gift allows you to go where no one has gone before with personalized Star Trek figurines.
12. Whether or not you know yourself, you can always gnome yourself.
13. This final gift is drop-dead gorgeous. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be turned into a zombie? I just can’t decide if you’d give this someone who was naughty or save it for someone who was nice.
I was amazed to find so many unique, personalized gift choices. Hope this helps check items off your list.
May the farce be with you!
This past week the Chicago Cubs made history when they won the World Series. Prior to their win, they held the record for the longest drought in North American sports – 108 years. Why did it take the Cubs so long to win the World Series and why did they win it now?
As I’ve reported in previous posts, the Cubs were cursed in 1945 when they refused to allow Billy Sianis to bring his goat, Murphy, into the stadium. So incensed at this rejection, Billy placed a curse on the cubs proclaiming “Dem Cubs, dey ain’t gonna win no more”. The only way to break the curse was to invite a goat to a game.
For 108 years people scoffed at the curse, claiming it had nothing to do with Cubs’ losses. During the 2016 World Series, Bill Murray openly declared what he thought of the curse with his Ghostbusters-esque t-shirt: I ain’t afraid of no goats.
After watching Game 7, I’ll admit that talent, skill and teamwork contributed significantly to the Cubs’ win. However, I’m not willing to give up the goat and the part it played in breaking the curse. During Game 4 of the Division playoffs, the Cubs were playing the Giants in San Francisco. In an attempt to channel the curse against the Cubs, a Giants fan walked around the outside of the stadium with his goat. His goal – to keep the curse alive. However, it backfired when the Cubs won.
Some might think it’s simply a coincidence that a goat showed up at a Cubs game prior to them winning the World Series after a 108 year slump. To me? It’s obvious the Cubs got their mojo back when the San Francisco goat lifted the curse. Regardless of the reason for the win, it was thrilling to witness a piece of Chicago history when the Cubs took the title.
May the farce be with you!
When my dad was a little boy, he tried to impress a girl by “smoking” a fire cracker. It blew up in his lips but miraculously he wasn’t seriously injured. A Pittsburgh man recently tried to dazzle his date by jumping across the top of buildings. His plan went awry when he fell between two buildings, got stuck and she had to call the ambulance. He was lucky that he only broke an ankle, but the wall they had to tear down to free him didn’t fare as well. I wonder what kind of impression his antics left on his date.
A health insurance company has capitalized on men’s “adventurous nature” with a hilarious commercial about pool vaulting.
I guess we can all take comfort in knowing some things will never change.
May the farce be with you!
Talk Like a Pirate Day is on Monday, September 19. To make sure you’re prepared for this auspicious holiday, following are a few common phrases translated into pirate speak. Translations occur in italics where needed.
Ahoy! How be you today?
I had cackle fruit for breaksmartly. (eggs for breakfast)
Where would you like t’ go for what crawled out o’ t’ bung hole? (Where do you want to go for lunch?)
What you be hungry for?
Avast ye (pay attention)
Do it smartly (fast)
I need t’ use t’ head. (bathroom)
I want a grog in a black jack (alcohol in a big cup)
I’m three sheets to the wind from too much grog.
The capn’ ul feed me to the fish if I don’t finish me work.
You scallywag (bastard)
You son of a biscuit eater (bastard)
You bilge rat (bastard)
Yo ho ho! (yay)
C’mere me buxom beauty [recommended for use only at home]
If you’d like to be more prepared, the founders of TLAPD prepared this short video to make anyone look like an experienced buccaneer.
In preparation, be sure to get your Pirate Name. Mine is Cap’n Antonia Sharkchum and Stephen’s is Pirate Darius the Terrible. Finally, dress for the part. You might even want to include the whole family.
Don’t be a landlubber – grab yer hat and hornpipe and enjoy TLAPD. If anyone gives ya trouble, squint one eye, lean in close and say “What you be lookin’ at ya bilge rat?”
With plenty of time to prepare, yer day should be a success!
May the farce be with you – arr!
Cap’n Antonia Sharkchum
Following the debacle at the Republican National Convention, a profoundly funny fellow blogger, Jill Foer Hirsch, wrote a hilarious speech for Melania Trump. I enjoyed it so much, I asked Jill if I could repost it here. To check out more of Jill’s posts, go to Universal Musings or click on her link on my blog roll.
WTF Wednesday: Is Imitation The Sincerest Form Of Flattery?
So as a public service, I am offering, free of charge, a new speech for Melania. One composed from what I imagine might be her heart and soul, if in fact she possesses either or both of those things. So Melania, this is for you:
My Donald once said to me: “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.” He was so smart to think of such a great quote, yes?* And then some more scores ago he began to talk about how to get back to this concept and make America great again: a great white, Christian, heterosexual patriarchy. Just the way we liked it.
When I married my husband, I was mostly in it for the money and also to produce a child who would inherit a fortune. And my husband was in it so he could have a young, beautiful wife and pretend he is also young and beautiful. And so for many years now I have let this man sleep in my bed. And do stuff other than sleeping. Things I only want to do with my boyfriend, not with Captain Cheeto (that is my pet name for My Donald).
So I can tell you many things about this man. First, he wants everyone to know that he most definitely does not have small hands or a small anything. No. Everything is huuuuuuge (wink wink). You can’t imagine how wide my eyes got the first time I saw all of My Donald in his natural glory. I was shocked, to say the least. Second, he is very flexible. He is absolutely sincere about everything he says at the exact moment he says it. And if he contradicts himself in the next breath, he is absolutely sincere in his new statement.
My Donald will win this election because he is so much better than all those establishment Washington people. He has all the makings of someone who should lead our country. He doesn’t know anything at all about the Constitution or three branches of government. Is completely ignorant of both domestic and foreign policies. He couldn’t find China on a map. And he surrounds himself with beautiful, subservient women and a bunch of white men in suits who tell him he is wonderful. He is good with the money though. As soon as he is in the White House he will call his lawyer and file bankruptcy on behalf of the country, and poof! All debt will be forgiven. My Donald tells me this is how to succeed in business.
I love my adopted country, America. A land of opportunity for beautiful foreign models who marry rich older men. And I am talking about the True America that My Donald has pandered to. The America that is proudly uneducated. Staunchly science-denying. Frightened and threatened by people who do not look like us, talk like us, or have the exact same beliefs as we do. Also the America who thinks it would be very nice to have a First Lady who is simple arm candy and doesn’t worry her pretty little head with politics and men’s business. [Bat eyelashes and smile directly to camera].
Please please put My Donald in the White House. It is possible that he will be very good for this country! More importantly, My Donald will be busy so I will have more time to run around with my young handsome boyfriend. In conclusion, please rest assured that I wrote this entire speech all on my own, and did not show it to anyone before presenting it to you tonight.
*Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address. Duuuuh.
So WTF Melania? Sometimes we all forget the rest of that famous quote…