True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Archive for the ‘Blog Story (BS)’ Category

Audrey Rose

Surrogacy is all the rage in Hollywood. Why ruin your own body when you can ruin someone else’s instead, right? The logic made sense to Stephen and I, so we also went with a surrogate. The only difference is that we didn’t use our own DNA to make the baby. We used her’s.

Mom Ginger and her pups

It was a surprise when Ginger gave birth to one gray and the rest black/white puppies. Our new baby looked like this.

Audrey at 4 days

It was fun watching her change as she grew.

Audrey at 7 days

Audrey at 17 days

Audrey at 25 days

Audrey at 39 days

Audrey at 10 weeks, 4 pounds

When we finally met her, Audrey was up to 6 pounds.

Audrey at 4 months, 6 pounds

She’s been an absolute joy to have around and gets along great with her siblings.

Mia (L), Max & Audrey

This week we started puppy training beginning with an orientation. After only one hour I now sit on command! I can only imagine what Audrey will learn!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

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Broken Nose

“Hallelujah! I can breathe through both nostrils! It’s a miracle! I am sooooooo lucky! Praise the dog!”

I’m sure I said this or something similar as I lay on the floor writhing in pain after Max, my Italian Greyhound, broke my nose. Coming home from a brief outing, Max was excited to see me and hit his head, with the force of a baseball, on my sniffer.

Max hit me harder than this

I heard the crack, felt intense, blinding pain, fell onto the floor, shouted words of praise to Max, and curled into a fetal position with my hands covering my face waiting for the pain to pass.

This wasn’t the first time I had broken my nose but I hope it’s the last. I was a teenager the first time I split my snout. In a car with a group of friends, we decided to do a Chinese fire drill – a prank in which passengers get out of a stopped car, circle it and return to their seats. My nose broke when I ran into a friend’s shoulder. Everyone in the car ran the wrong direction except me .

My second major break occurred during a major break in my acting career. After being cast as the princess in “The Frog Princess”, I tried to walk through a glass window I had mistaken for an open doorway. Fortunately for the production, I spent the majority of the play inside a frog head.

No one could tell my nose was broken

No longer able breathe through my nose, I underwent surgery to repair the damage. As I was healing, I sneezed and jammed my schnoz into Stephen’s shoulder. My doctor was less than pleased by my inability to protect his work but at least I could still breathe out of one nostril…until Max. The break I had sustained all those years ago was fixed by one quick dog head to the face.

Max isn’t as innocent as he looks

I love my little Max but I don’t want my nose broken again because I like airflow through both nostrils so I’m very careful around him now.

It’s harder to cuddle with the helmet

It was a lucky day when we adopted Max and luckier still when he performed a septoplasty on me without an anesthetic.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Proper Grooming

One of my former roommates used to shave the front of her legs but not the back. She said she could only see the front so that’s all that mattered. It took me years to realize she was onto something until I had a grooming exchange with my sister. Now she knows what she’s doing!

Actual question from my sister

Looks like I’ll won’t be needing Nair for another two and a half to three years!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

They need to update their marketing

The Refrigerator

Last week our refrigerator died. This is how I felt when the one kitchen appliance I knew how to operate became nonfunctional.

Woe is me

My sister said it was my fault the fridge died, that I killed it with magnets.

Okay, maybe there are too many magnets.

Sadly, I proved her wrong because when I removed the magnets, the fridge still didn’t work.

Still dead

The importance of a refrigerator became crystal clear once we no longer had one. Doing a little online research, I found the most expensive fridge on the market and knew if I had over $40K burning a hole in my pocket and had space to spare, I would probably use that money to buy something else.

Meneghnini La Cambus priced at only $41,500

We went for a more basic model that only keeps food cold and frozen – I know how to operate it.

Don’t I look happy with my new fridge?

If I were planning to spend an exorbitant sum on a kitchen appliance such as a fridge, I would want it to do much more than simply hold food. I’ve given this a lot of thought and have started saving money for a new genius fridge that hasn’t been invented yet. Not only will it keep food cold, it will control a robot that will drive a car, shop, cook, set the table and clean up after every meal.

Now this would be a fridge I couldn’t do without. I’d just have to make sure the robot could teach me how to use it.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Best Legs

When my mom was 21 years old, she entered a beauty contest sponsored by Movieland Magazine – “Your Legs Can Be Your Fortune”. After her entry was received, a letter was sent to my dad confirming her registration. It was clear he had to approve her participation.

When the judging was complete, she received a Western Union telegram telling her she was their 7th place winner. In addition to flowers, her prizes included three pairs of Holeproof Hosiery plus one pair of Willys of Hollywood Hosiery valued at $5 per pair. Of course she would also appear in the magazine.

My mom – 7th Place Winner

I know that I could never win a best legs contest, but I’m sure my daughter could – her legs go on for days. Now if I could only get her to wake up.

She’s adopted

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Family Photos

When my sister and I sorted through old family photos, I took custody of the majority of them. They’re fun to go through – recapturing old memories. There are shots you try to duplicate.

My sister’s on the right. I’m under the hair dryer.

The only thing that looks the same is the hair dryer.

There are shots that explain why you needed therapy.

That Santa is seriously scary looking.

Photos of people you don’t know.

Obviously, she doesn’t like having her picture taken.

And then there are shots that make you regret giving your sister all the pictures.

Beauty show contestant

She sang the song “Feelin’ Groovy”. As I recall, she was more animated in her performance than Simon and Garfunkel were in theirs.

Let this be a lesson Р you take a risk if you let someone else keep old photos. I would apologize to my sister, but she was forewarned.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Just Turn It

My friend’s daughter decided to take up painting. To encourage her new endeavor, she gave her daughter several blank canvasses. A few weeks later, my friend noticed the canvasses were blank. When she asked about it, her daughter said they were portrait and she wanted landscape.

From portrait to landscape! It’s a miracle!

Although a true story, I found this tale hard to believe until something similar happened in my own family. Looking for a present for my mom, I found a picture of a zebra.

Zebra with a head

Unfortunately, the picture was too large to ship, so I texted a photo of it to Diana, my sister, to see if she could find the same item locally. My mom and Diana live in the same town so shipment is not an issue. Shortly after sending the text, I got a message from Diana saying she couldn’t find an exact match but she found a zebra picture without a head. This is what she sent.

Zebra without a head

A few minutes later, she texted again and said she was looking at it upside down. I’ll admit I made the same mistake, but it was a tiny image on my phone. Therefore, I place all responsibility with Diana.

Remember this. Everyone should get at least one turn.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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