True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Archive for the ‘Blog Story (BS)’ Category

My Sister Learns New Words

Last spring, my sister retired from teaching second graders. Needless to say, she has a lot to learn when it comes to communicating with adults. A few months ago, we had the following text exchange. The gray text is from Diana and the blue is mine. The picture was from her.

Just when I thought we had everything figured out, a few months later, this was our exchange. Again, Diana starts it out.

I can tell after this that my MOFO sister has no FOMO!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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The Intruder

The other day going into my house, I was startled by a giant spider.

The Intruder

It was stalking me –  sitting on the side of the door casing between the garage door opener and the door handle.

Uncontrolled screaming (on my part) didn’t scare it away so I was faced with a decision. Back away slowly and leave until Stephen returned home from work (only about 6 hours) or find a way into the house, barricading myself inside hoping the intruder wouldn’t find a way in.

I decided to go in the house. Like an olympic athlete getting ready to run a race, I took a few breaths, pressed the button, grabbed the door handle, jumped inside and slammed and locked the door screaming the entire time. Heaving, I slowly calmed myself and the dogs down. Apparently, they didn’t like my screaming.

After I calmed them down

As my mind began to clear, I had a horrifying thought. I had to deal with the intruder. Otherwise it might disappear and attack me at anytime from anywhere. I could never enter the garage again – no place would be safe.

This could be me if I let the intruder live

It was imperative that I deal with the situation quickly using deadly force. Armed with a can of raid, I yanked the door open, jumped into the garage, aimed and fired. The intruder fell and ran. Although I lost site of him, he was mortally wounded. The only prudent move was to stay in the house the rest of the day.

When Stephen got home, he assured me that the intruder was expired and I could safely enter the garage. I felt like an invincible superhero that day, my bravery unmatched, but I never want to test my superpowers again.

This is me – strong and invincible, battling scary spiders

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Dog Halloween Poem

As dusk arrives on Halloween,

the puppies run, the kiddies scream

with delight.

They’ve never seen

these costumes on the dogs.

Princess,

pirates,

skeleton,

yellow submarine,

quarterbark & cheerleader,

cowboy dressed in jeans.

Buns with a real dog inside,

a skunk that’s safe – no need to hide

A family photo filled with pride,

 

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

 

Clear Misunderstanding

Last week I took Max to the vet for a routine vaccination. Before we went in, he looked like this.

Max doesn’t know that he’s going to the vet although he looks suspicious.

When he came out, I thought he would look like this.

Hot dog at the Bordello

Or this.

Top dog at the bordello

It’s with mixed feelings that I report Max is neither a gigolo nor a pimp.

Apparently, Max was not vaccinated for Bordello but rather Bordetella. I think it’s clear why I misunderstood.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The Back-up Plan

Years ago, Stephen was backing up the car and ran over my foot. It was a small car and only crushed my toes, so thankfully I was okay. He claimed it was an accident.

The other day, I went outside as Stephen left for work. As he was backing out of the garage, I stood to the side of the car near the house. He backed out slowly and when he finally saw me, he rolled his window down and said:

“I was looking for you. The back-up alarm wasn’t beeping and I didn’t feel a thump, so I was pretty sure I didn’t run over you.”

This is a simulation – do not try this at home

At the time, I thought he was relieved. But then I remembered the first incident. When I learned he’d become a body guard for the Kingsman – a dangerous and violent profession, I began to wonder if it truly was an accident. What do you think?

Stephen serves as a body guard for the Kingsman during his spare time

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

A Horse With No Mane

(To be sung to the tune of “A Horse With No Name”)

On the first day of October

I was taken outside the box

I was assembled in the front yard

Over a skeleton horse

The first thing I met was a big hairy dog

And he lifted up his leg

The pee was hot and the ground was dry

And the air smelled just like egg

I’m stuck in the front yard on a horse with no mane

It felt good to be out in the rain

In the front yard you can’t remember your name

‘Cause you just feel like you are going insane

La, la…

After two days in the front yard sun

My bones began to turn red

After three days in the front yard fun

I was looking at a river bed

And the story it told of the urine that flowed

Made me scared to think far ahead

You see I’m stuck in the front yard on a horse with no mane

It felt good to be out in the rain

In the front yard you can’t remember your name

‘Cause you just feel like you are going insane

La, la…

After All Hallowed’s Eve I’ll let the horse run free

‘Cause the front yard won’t be Halloween

There’ll be lights and sleighs and deer and things

There’ll be Santa Claus and kings

The front yard is a desert with a life you can’t see

And a perfect disguise above

Deep under the snow lies a river of pee

That dogs don’t want to get rid of

You see I’m stuck in the front yard on a horse with no mane

It felt good to be out in the rain

In the front yard you can’t remember your name

‘Cause you just feel like you are going insane

La, la… (to fade)

A horse with no mane

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

P.S. Here’s the original song. Mine makes more sense!

Fur Fox Sake

Stephen has no shame. If there was ever any doubt, the Easter Bunny post solidified the fact that Stephen will do anything for attention. Given his disposition, Stephen finds Halloween to be a glorious time when he can be goofy in ways not normally available to him. Today starts a month long pictorial of the lengths to which Stephen will go to appear in my blog.

Notice the Foxy head tilt

Stephen and I both have a particular fondness for foxes because of the wacky video “What Does The Fox Say?”. If you watch until the end, you’ll find out and it’s not what you’d expect.

May the fox be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Bay da ba bop bum bay dum

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