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Stephen is an award-winning scientist. Really – that’s him, with his award.

Stephen with his award

As you might imagine, I’m a strong proponent of science and was initially dismayed by news of government threats. Based on new information, I fear the government may be onto something. One of the current most popular apocalyptic theories suggests that zombies will end the world. But maybe, just maybe, the apocalypse will start within the very heart of science.

Being an award-winning scientist, Stephen works in a state of the art lab with top of the line equipment. One day he came home from work touting his new Ion Chromatograph Unit (ICU).

Ion Chromatograph Units (ICUs) – very smart machines

The ICU will take a sample and separate, identify and quantify the contents. What used to take hours of labor is now done in short order by a very smart machine. Stephen described it as magic – and that’s what set off my suspicions. What’s to say the ICU can’t combine or create things, especially since there’s two of them hooked up to the same computer. I just know they’re plotting. Any machine that can perform magic, like the ICU, is certainly capable of more sinister acts. I suspect Stephen’s new machine was behind WannaCry – last week’s computer hacks. Sure, North Korea got the blame, but who’s to say the ICU – which is hooked up to a computer – couldn’t generate and disseminate the virus AND blame it on another country. Heck, if it can create a computer virus, why not a human virus, too?

After working with the ICU for a few weeks, Stephen looked like this.

Stephen looked like this after working with his ICU

Maybe science created zombies, too.

Shh… Put your ear to your computer. I think I hear Stephen’s machine whispering “I see you!”

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,



The Importance of Accurate Signage

I don’t cook but because I have a flexible schedule, I do most of the grocery shopping. This week, my assignment included snow peas. I had purchased them before, so I knew exactly where to find them in the store. Much to my disappointment, there was only one remaining in the bin. I guess whoever bought the batch didn’t want to take the last one.

The last lonely snow pea

There were plenty of sugar snap peas in the adjacent bin, but sugar snap peas weren’t on my list.

I went over to the prepackaged vegetables and found a bag of sugar snap peas which looked exactly like the snow peas in the open bin. I even took the bag over to compare – thank goodness that kind person left the last one. It was surprising the bag was mismarked.

I wasn’t sure I should chance buying the wrong pea, so I walked to the frozen section and found the same thing. Feeling the bag, it was clear that it contained snow peas. Once again, it was strange the bag wasn’t labeled correctly.

Frozen Bag

I ended up buying the fresh bag and when I got home, I looked up the difference between sugar snap peas and snow peas. Apparently the people working in produce at the supermarket don’t know the difference because they were the ones who labeled them wrong.

These are really sugar snap peas

At the time I was shopping, my pea brain couldn’t comprehend the grocer could be wrong even though all evidence pointed in their direction. Now that I’ve done my homework, I finally have peas of mind… and so can you.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


This Little Doggy (An Updated Nursery Rhyme)

This little doggy went to market.

She likes to get all dressed up to go shopping in high-end stores, buying anything she wants.


This little doggy stayed home.

He slept. He’s an old man. Sleeping is one of his favorite things.


This little doggy would love to have roast beef, chicken, turkey, pork, pasta, pizza…

He’ll eat almost anything if given the chance.


This little doggy had none. Sadly, his person restricts his dietary intake.

On the bright side – he maintains his svelte figure by eating right plus 4-6 hours of vigorous exercise a day.


These little doggies went wee wee wee all the way home.

Because they’re so happy to be together.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


The Tricycle

One of my friends hosted a garage sale this weekend which included an adult tricycle. I used to enjoy riding bikes but my last few rides, I fell over each time I stopped and several times while moving. Recognizing the obvious dangers, I stopped riding. It seemed reasonable that an adult tricycle might give me the ability to ride again, so I bought it.

When I got home I took my new toy out for a spin. Like a proud father, Stephen stood in the driveway watching. On my first try, I went down the driveway, across the street, stopping inches from the curb. Breathing fast, I turned to Stephen and said “I don’t know what happened. I just couldn’t turn.”

My second attempt began with a slow turn so I could get the feel of it because the tricycle didn’t handle the same as a bike. After turning, I pedaled down the street at a slight angle and came inches from crashing into our neighbor’s car. After I stopped, I looked back at Stephen, my eyes wide and my mouth open in a silent scream. He had a horrified expression on his face but was frozen in time, unable to speak.

Still undeterred, I tried a third time, turning slowly, heading back home. When I complained how hard it was to ride, Stephen gave it a try. He ended up riding it on two wheels, demonstrating how I would still be able to fall over. That cinched it, the bike had to go back.

When I returned it, I told my friend the bike tried to kill me and it attempted to destroy my neighbor’s property. Yes, I could have kept it. I could have learned to ride it. As they say: “You never forget. It’s as easy as falling off a bike.” Which is exactly the problem.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


I couldn’t find a picture of me riding a tricycle but I could really make that horse go!

Easter Poem

I found these eggs by my front door, brought by the Easter Bunny.

When I looked inside the eggs, I laughed at something funny.

One egg, it was still unhatched, one had a dinosaur,

Stephen filled the other egg which caused my laugh to roar.

After fully hatching, I brought Stephen home.

As soon as he escaped the egg, the man began to roam.

He brought home many creatures, the dogs I liked the best.

They put up with all kinds of stuff, even getting dressed.

Life is full of ups and downs, cloudy days and sunny.

I love the times you don’t expect, like these three Easter Bunnies.

I find every day is a complete and total treasure.

I hope your days are filled with joy and laughter beyond measure.

On Being Sick

I’ve been flat on my back sick for the past three weeks.

Deciding that I wouldn’t get better on my own, I went to the doctor. When looking in my ear, she said “Huh, I’ve never seen this before. I have no idea what it is.” She then brought in another doctor who said the same thing, conjuring horrible images of those brain biting bugs from Star Trek trying to eat their way out of my head through my ear.

Star Trek Neural Parasite

A specialist was clearly in order – I had to get this bug out of my head.

When the Ear Nose and Throat doctor walked into the room, he offered the standard greeting “How are you today?”. Because the neural parasite had eaten away at my defenses, I couldn’t respond in kind, so I confessed “I’d rather not be here”.  When he said he felt the same way, I knew we would get along just fine. After checking me over, I held my breath waiting for the baneful brain barnacle disease diagnosis – timidly asking if he found anything weird in my ear. He laughed and said there was fluid pressing against my tympanic membrane – nothing more. Whew!

The inside of my ear

He offered new medications but expressed concern that one might interact with another drug I was taking. As he checked for potential problems, I said “You mean like a deadly interaction? Because if you kill me that will definitely stop the sinus infection.” Happy to still be alive, there’s only six more weeks to go before my ear is healed and my hearing returns!

Until then, I will continue to lay around the house like a slug.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Oops, We Did It Again

This has been an eventful week in my household. Last weekend, Stephen (human), Dewey, Mia (Italian Greyhounds), and I drove 130 miles to meet Max, a 3-year old Italian Greyhound.

Max – on the rescue website

Dewey is 14 and Mia, 13 (both from the same rescue organization as Max). We had been thinking of adding a young dog to our pack family who had the potential of becoming a therapy dog and we found that in Max. He came home with us. On the drive home, Max’s foster mom sent me this picture.

From Max’s foster mom

As excited as we were to adopt Max, it was also stressful. We weren’t sure how Max would fit in and whether the other dogs would accept him.

Max and Stephen on our first night home

Mia liked Max right away but Dewey pretended that Max wasn’t there.

Two buds

On our first full day together, Max wanted to be on my lap and I found I couldn’t get anything done so I improvised, creating a situation where Max could be with me but where I didn’t have to hold him with my arms.

Max is in the bag. I’m glad he only weighs 11 pounds.

Day 5 Max was still clinging to me…

Sweet little Max

and Dewey finally acknowledged his existence. I think everything is going to turn out fine!

At the end of Max’s 6th day

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,




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