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Archive for the ‘Blog Story (BS)’ Category

Guardin’ of Eatin’ – A Poem

Now I’m lame in what I eat

There is no steak, there’s hardly meat

I’m watching carbs and sugars, too

I‘m missing pie and fats are few

I’m eating light, oh – woe is me

I’m stuck with fish and broccoli

Most fats are bad ‘cept Omega 3

So I’ll chow down on mercury

[Poem by Stephen]

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A Man and The Wasps

People do stupid things. That’s one of the reasons superheroes are so important – they protect us from ourselves. Take Ant Man and the Wasp. Although tiny, ants are insanely strong with the ability to carry 50 times their body weight. Ant Man relies not only on his ant-like size but his strength and cunning as well. Wasps are terrifyingly incredible. They’re able to sting prey multiple times and when threatened, they can send a signal to other wasps to provide assistance. The Wasp, superhero, not only shrinks in size but she flies, is fast and strong. Together the superheros, Ant Man and the Wasp, take the best characteristics of their namesakes and work in concert to stop humanity’s asininity.

However, without superheroes in real life, sometimes there’s no way to stop the lunacy. One of our friends found a wasp’s nest under the eave of his second story home.

A nest can hold hundreds, even thousands, of wasps

In order to deal with the problem, he decided to take the following steps.

  1. Get a tall ladder and set it up under the nest
  2. Approach the nest after dark when all the wasps have returned for the night
  3. Have a few beers to garner courage stupidity
  4. Climb the ladder in the dark, punch a hole in the nest, spray poison
  5. If necessary, jump off the ladder and run

It’s amazing the difference a few letters can make.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Pothead

I think my mom is trying to get me arrested. Last week we had an argument over the phone regarding my refusal to buy pot illegally.

It all started with a segment on the TV show The Doctors that focused on the benefits of pot for migraine sufferers. Mom told me about the episode and made me promise to talk to my doctor about it. When I spoke to him, he explained that since pot is illegal at the federal level, researchers are unable to conduct clinical trials, therefore, the evidence that pot helps migraines is anecdotal. However, does he think it could help? Yes, he does. The problem? Although medical marijuana is legal in Illinois, migraine headaches are not on the approved list so he’s unable to prescribe it.

When Mom heard this, she was outraged.

Mom: You mean there’s something your doctor could give you that might help your headaches and he won’t do it?!?

Pam: It’s not that he won’t do it, he can’t. Migraines don’t qualify as a pot-eligible medical condition. It would be illegal for him to prescribe it to me.

Mom: Well then go get it yourself. Forget about a prescription.

Pam: I can’t get it from a dispensary without a prescription and recreational marijuana is illegal in Illinois. If I bought it, I could get arrested.

Mom: Then go to Colorado and buy it. It’s legal there.

Pam: I could certainly buy pot in Colorado but I could get arrested as soon as I brought it into Illinois.

The conversation continued like this until Mom finally gave up. I think she ran out of ways to trick me into getting arrested.

Touché, Mom!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Pothead

Visit With My Mom

I just wrapped up my annual trek to see my mother. Following are a few highlights from the trip.

Sitting across the table from Mom at the mall food court, she looked at me and said “Have you ever considered curling your hair?” I looked at Diana, my sister, who was sitting next to me and burst out laughing. My hair is naturally curly.

Confused by my reaction, Mom clarified her question “I mean with curlers.” I replied “You mean, so it looks nice?” To make sure there was no misunderstanding, I turned to Diana and said “Mom doesn’t like my hair. She thinks I should fix it so it looks nice.”

While at the mall, we took Mom to a dressing room so she could try on clothes. We helped her out of her wheelchair to make changing easier. The space was tight, so I sat in the wheelchair. When it was time to leave, my feet got tangled in the foot rests which resulted in a slow motion fall. I bounced off every surface of the dressing room – like a lottery ball.

When the ricocheting stopped, I slowly slid onto the floor. As I sat cowering in a corner, a store clerk asked if we were all right. Staggering out of the dressing room behind Diana and Mom, the clerk anxiously asked if Mom was okay. Bleeding profusely from my elbow and colored by what would eventually turn into 11 bruises on my arms and legs, I explained that Mom was fine but I fell. Breathing a sigh of relief, the clerk exclaimed how happy she was that Mom didn’t get hurt. Limping away, I was tempted to tell her how to remove my blood stains from the carpet but kept my mouth shut because I felt slightly resentful about the lack of attention I was receiving.

At the end of our outing, we returned to Mom’s apartment whereupon she brought up her obituary. She emphatically stated that she wanted nothing more than a death notice. She gave me an evil eye and told me she would come back and haunt me if I wrote anything else. I told her I would take that as a personal challenge. I’m definitely going to be haunted.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

How Much Is That Doggy In The Window

Stephen and I decided to do some mall walking. During our stroll, we ran across a puppy store. While we would never buy a puppy from a store, we like to stop in and take a look. The puppies are kept in cribs that are set low to the ground. If you were so inclined, you could easily reach down and pet a puppy. However, the store staff won’t allow any of the dogs to be touched. This is the equivalent of putting little kids in a candy store and telling them they can’t have any. It makes no sense.

All the puppies were cute but one in particular caught my eye – a Chinese Crested.

Powderpuff Chinese Crested – mostly hairless

These dogs are small and bald. I’ve always been curious about their personalities and how they would compare to Italian Greyhounds, my breed of choice.

Italian Greyhounds

The store wasn’t too busy, so we asked if we could see the dog. The sales representative tapped the puppy lightly and concluded he was sleeping. She then covered him with a blanket to prolong his nap. She explained their policy was not to wake the dog and that if he woke during our visit, we could see him.

The sales rep had no idea we weren’t serious shoppers. Had we been, they would have lost a sale. This seems no different than going to buy a car and being told you can’t sit in it or take it for a test drive. Now who’s going to be crazy enough to buy THAT car?!? Other than the 500,000 people who preordered a sight unseen Tesla, of course.

Tesla Model 3 – 500K preorders before production started

That may not have been the most effective analogy.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The Eyes Have It

I’ve worn corrective lenses most of my life and through the years my vision has both deteriorated and improved. However, I’ve never experienced a situation like the following.

Stephen and I took the sidecar motorcycle on a 20 mile ride to attend an outdoor craft fair. I usually wear my glasses on the motorcycle but that day I had my contacts in so I closed my eyes to prevent them from drying out. It was enjoyable because the smells, sounds and feel of the wind on my skin were intensified.

We wear helmets unless there’s a photo op

Arriving at our destination, we walked through the fair, chatting with vendors and perusing their wares. We then ate lunch and spent time at a mall.

Craft Fair (Photo credit: Village of Algonquin)

When we got home and I went to remove my contacts, I reached for my lens case only to discover that I had forgotten to put them in. Apparently, I spent the entire day free of any corrective lenses.

Now some might say my vision had improved for the day – a Christmas miracle in July. Others would laugh that my older brain experienced a major blip resulting in forgetfulness and poor attention to detail. Being the incurable optimist that I am, I vote for the first explanation. Since mine is the only vote that counts, I can confidently state that the Ayes have it!

Aye Ayes have it too! (Photo credit: Bristol Zoo)

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

To learn more about Aye Ayes, see the video below. It’s hilarious.

Warning: video contains salty language although Aye Ayes eat very little, if any, salt.

Awkward Things My Mom Said

I’m going to visit my mom to celebrate her 85th birthday. She lives 900 miles away and I only see her once a year, however, we talk on the phone several times per week. Here’s an account of some of our most recent awkward conversations.

============

Mom: I’m going to be 85 years old. No one should live that long. I should have died younger.

[Long pause on my end.]

Pam: How old would you have preferred to die?

Mom: In my 70s.

[I didn’t ask why. Sometimes you just have to let it go.]

============

Mom: Old age is going to kill me.

Pam: It has that effect on most people.

[Really – what else was I supposed to say?]

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On living in an assisted living facility:

Mom: I hate it here. I’m surrounded by all these old people.

[Remember – Mom is 85.]

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Mom: I just watched the worst show I’ve ever seen on TV. It was so stupid – absolutely horrible. You have to watch it.

[I watched it and I’m sure I’ve permanently lost brain cells.]

============

Mom: How are your dogs?

Pam: They’re great. I wish you could see them.

Mom: Well, that’s never going to happen.

Pam: I can bring pictures of them when I visit.

Mom: No. I don’t really care.

============

My visit is coming up soon. With any luck, she’ll give me something to talk about.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

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