True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Archive for the ‘Blog Story (BS)’ Category

Faster Than A Speeding Bullet

There’s a seven mile drive from the Carlsbad Caverns park entrance to the visitor center with electronic signs along the way showing your speed.

After passing several such signs, Stephen was reminded of a story from his childhood. Stephen, about age 8 and his brother, age 6, were in the backseat of the car making a lot of noise. His dad, who was driving, pulled the car to the side of the road and told the boys they needed to burn some energy. He instructed them to get out of the car, hold onto a door handle and they would see how fast the boys could run. Stephen claims he got up to 25 mph.

With this in mind, Stephen wanted to see if he could run faster than he did as a kid. We pulled the car to the side of the road and Stephen ran toward the sign. Although the meter didn’t pick him up, I’m sure he was doing at least 50.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

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The Power of Positive Hexting

Stephen recently had an invasive medical procedure to check for a possible serious illness. The test showed that he’s perfectly fine, but we didn’t know it at the time. We had to go to a hospital and I was a nervous wreck.

We waited in his room for 30 minutes when the nurse finally came to begin preparations. At that point, I was asked to leave. To curb my anxiety, I turned to humorous texting (i.e., hexting). Here’s the exchange that took place in the waiting room. My texts are in green.

I’m incredibly thankful the test confirmed that Stephen’s in perfect health. Sadly for him, the nurse wanted time alone to insert an IV. And for me, I’m still waiting for the fireman.

In my head, I saw him standing in the elevator. When the doors opened, he was young, tall, muscular and shirtless, wearing his fireman pants with the suspenders hanging down. He shook his dark hair out of his eyes and smiled at me with cute, deep dimples and straight, white teeth. He came toward me in slow motion, with an invisible fan blowing his hair. Using his muscular hands and arms, he eliminated the knots from my neck and shoulders.

Then he leaned over, looked at me with his piercing blue eyes and whispered in my ear that he was leaving to clean my house. He promised to have a hot meal waiting and asked if there was anything in particular I wanted for the menu. As he got on the elevator, he smiled and said everything was going to be okay. He was right.

May good health and the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The Shrining

The last time I fell I hit my head and ended up with a bruise on the outside of my eye. Following is my conversation with Stephen about my injury. He didn’t immediately realize the topic under discussion.

Pam: Wow! I’m excited – it looks like I’ve got a shiner. It’s on the outside – an outer shiner.

 

Stephen: The Shining? Did you say you have The Shining? Outside?

My eye didn’t look like Jack Nicholson outside in The Shining.

Pam: No. I’m talking about my eye – I’ve got an awesome bruise on the outside of my eye. You know, one of those things with a little hat.

Nor was my bruise wearing a little hat.

Stephen: You mean a Shriner? You’ve got a Shriner outside? Why?

Pam: Look at me.

Stephen: Oh, okay. I get it now. But a Shriner?

I think I’m going to have to find a little hat for my eye just to preserve my dignity.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

 

 

 

Sleeping With Dogs – Part 2

I’ve admitted in the past to sleeping with dogs.

We used to have a queen size bed but when our first Italian Greyhound started sleeping with us, the bed became too small so we upgraded to a king.┬áMuch to our surprise, we still didn’t have enough room but our dog was more comfortable.

No bed would be big enough

The problem is this.

There’s one critical component missing from this photo – her front legs stretch out nearly as long as her back legs. It wouldn’t be a problem if she slept the same direction as us, but she sleeps sideways so she can touch us both. As the night progresses, she gets longer, pushes harder and Stephen and I end up with a few inches on each side of the bed.

Our side is much smaller

Even after claiming our own piece of the bed, there’s no guarantee of keeping that space all night.

We put up with the discomfort because we love our dogs and would do anything for them. Well, just about anything. We haven’t done this… yet.

Of course, anything’s possible!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

 

The Sandwich Conundrum

The following conversations are regarding a sausage, egg and cheese muffin Stephen made for lunch at work.

Day 1

Pam: How was lunch today?

Stephen: It was okay.

Pam: Just okay?

Stephen: Yeah. It tasted good but I heated it with the cheese on top and everytime I took a bite, cheese got stuck in my teeth. Tomorrow I think I’ll make it with the cheese on the bottom.

Pam: Did you ever think to just turn the sandwich upside down when you eat it?

Stephen: No but that’s probably a good idea.

Day 2

Pam: How was lunch today?

Stephen: It was okay.

Pam: Just okay?

Stephen: Yeah. Today I heated it with the cheese on the bottom and when it melted, it ran all over the plate. I had to scrape it up and put it back on the sandwich. It was kind of a pain.

Pam: Hmm, that’s too bad.

Stephen: Tomorrow I think I’ll heat it with the cheese on top and eat it upside down.

Pam: Wow, that’s brilliant…

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Across State Lines

I grew up in North Dakota and every year I return to visit family. After being gone for so long, I appreciate the differences between ND and Illinois, my current home. For example, Illinois has the most beautiful trees,

A scenic Illinois road

whereas ND is sparsely forested.

Buford National Forest

It’s cold in ND with winter wind-chill temperatures often reaching more than 40 below zero.

In the summer, ND temps can reach 120 above. Illinois temperatures aren’t as extreme but the humidity is high, making hot summer days uncomfortable.

In my area, the suburbs run together so it’s nearly impossible to identify the boundaries from one town to the next. In North Dakota, each town has a unique identity because everything is miles apart. But the advantage? The traffic is usually light.

A common ND traffic pattern

People are unbelievably friendly in ND and many still leave their doors unlocked – something that would never happen in my neighborhood, even though it’s safe.

Illinoisians have local phrases like “Da Bulls” and “Yous Guys” and people from the south side of Chicago have a recognizable accent. North Dakotans also have a distinctive accent sprinkled with colorful colloquialisms.

After spending many years of my life in ND, I still say Uff da (a Norwegian term of exasperation) and it remains one of my favorite words. Our dogs, who are Italian, are now being exposed to Scandinavian culture with their new water dish.

I haven’t heard them say Wuff da yet, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The Haunting

Every year my friend, Vivian, visits to celebrate the holidays. She always sleeps in the same room. Last year, she heard strange noises during the night and concluded the room is haunted. She may be right.

We have a journal in the guest room in which our visitors can write comments. After Vivian left last year, we found the following entry from my deceased father-in-law who also used to stay in that room.

Wayne was a jokester in life. I’m not saying he haunted the room or wrote the note, but these actions are consistent with his character.

This year Vivian once again heard noises during the night, insisting the room is still haunted. No other guest has made this claim, so I felt it only fair to notify future visitors of this possibility by including my own note in the guest book.

IMG_1189.jpg

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Vivian sleeping through the haunting. (Second note to self: make noises louder next year)

 

 

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