True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Archive for the ‘Blog Story (BS)’ Category

Mulberry Whine

Our first dog was a little Italian Greyhound we named Tony. Italian Greyhounds (IGs) look like big Greyhounds you left in the dryer too long. Although IGs don’t race, they love to run. Fortunately, we had a fenced back yard so Tony could run to his heart’s delight.

One day after running in the yard, I noticed spots on the back of Tony’s legs. We had a Mulberry tree so I thought the spots were stains and tried to wash them off. After nearly rubbing Tony’s skin raw, I realized they weren’t stains at all. They were freckles and freckles don’t wash off.

Freckles on Tony’s legs

Over the years we’ve been owned by a total of six IGs, including Tony. Dogs 2 – 5 were rescues and adopted as adults. This summer, we broke the mold and went to a breeder for a puppy – Audrey. I guess in tribute to Tony, our only other puppy, I made a mistake akin to the freckle debacle.

While examining Audrey, I noticed something in her nose. Thinking it was a bird feather (we have birds in the house), I tried to pick it out of her nostril. Each attempt was unsuccessful. Upon closer examination, I realized that one of her  nostrils was pink. I no longer pick her nose.

Audrey’s pink nostril

Having a puppy is an awesome experience as is adopting an adult dog. Remember these important lessons, some stains don’t come out and pick your noses with care.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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The End

I have always had a thutt – a lack of distinction between the thigh and butt. In other words, a flat butt. Since I’ve been working out, I think that maybe, just perhaps, my thutt has finally developed into two distinct body parts. But now I’m not so sure. See for yourself.

Stephen was hugging me with his hands on my backside. Our conversation went like this:

Stephen: Wow – you have a nice round birthday cake.

Pam: No I don’t, I have a thutt.

Stephen: Seriously, it’s really round.

Pam: You’re feeling my thighs.

Following a long pause, Stephen felt around to see if I was right. I felt like the thutt of my own joke.

After years of working out, I still think my thutt might have gotten a little rounder, butt in the end it doesn’t really matter.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

The Week Before Christmas – A Poem

‘Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the house

My mother was calling my poor dad a louse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

But the presents weren’t wrapped, some weren’t even there.

 

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

My parents were frazzled, too much in their heads.

Mamma was shopping online for more crap,

And daddy was holding a dog in his lap.

 

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

Dad sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.

Away to the window Mom flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

 

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When what to their wondering eyes should appear,

But raccoons in the garbage looking for beer.

 

With a little masked face, so lively and quick,

They knew in a moment it wasn’t St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his claws and hands came,

His throwing the garbage made my parents insane.

 

My mom shouted loudly “I’ve had it this Christmas.”

My dad yelled right back – “You’re much too ambitious.

Go online right this minute, we’ll buy gift cards for all.

They can buy what they want, we’ll skip lines at the mall!”

 

“You don’t think we’re cheating?” Mom asked as she bristled.

“I don’t think so at all” Dad proclaimed with dismissal.

Then I heard them exclaim as they turned out the lights.

Happy Christmas to us, it will all be alright!

Our First Christmas With Max

We adopted Max the end of March, a beautiful four year old Italian Greyhound. He’s a southern boy from Kentucky and has not adapted well to the cold weather. Since he’s from the south, he’s never had to wear clothes to keep warm, so every time we dress him, he refuses to move. Therefore, it was relatively easy to get these pictures of Max dressed up for the holidays. Enjoy – I guarantee Max didn’t!

This is how Santa would look if he was an Italian Greyhound

With a beard…

Max is secure enough in his masculinity to don a Christmas tree outfit that looks like a dress

Don’t worry Max, we won’t ever mount your head.

A bunny sweater that looks suspiciously like a deer.

Santa’s little helper.

I would like to thank Max for his sacrifice. He was (and is) a good boy.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

No App-etite

I was recently disappointed by my favorite sandwich shop – let’s call them Got Deli. As a member of their loyalty program “Quirks”, I receive emails announcing deals, their latest being a BOGO offer. When the time came, I excitedly entered the store with my email in hand, proudly showing it to the sandwich maker. Hesitating, she handed my email to another employee. Here was our exchange:

Got Deli: You need the Quirks app to redeem your free sandwich.

Pam: I don’t have the app.

Got Deli: You need the app to redeem your free sandwich.

Pam: So you’re telling me this email is worthless.

Got Deli: No, it’s not worthless, you just need the app to redeem your sandwich.

Feeling put out, I left without buying anything. Later, I wrote Got Deli’s customer service. Here’s what I said:

Hey, Got Deli. You are my favorite sandwich shop but your Quirks program really let me down. Today I went into one of your stores to redeem a free sandwich. I had an email telling me about the promotion but was told that I needed the app to redeem the coupon. I don’t have the app so I left empty handed. It sucked.

They responded:

Thank you for reaching out to Got Deli. We are so sorry for disappointing you! We’ve added a free sandwich to your Got Deli Quirks account. Please enjoy it within the next year at any of our shops.

I answered back:

Thanks for the coupon – but do I need the app to redeem it? If so, we’re back to the original problem…I don’t have the app.

The final exchange:

This perk can be redeemed through the Got Deli Quirks mobile app. If you have any questions about this, please feel free to ask!

After all was said and done, I lost my app-etite.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Me leaving the store empty handed

My Sister Learns New Words

Last spring, my sister retired from teaching second graders. Needless to say, she has a lot to learn when it comes to communicating with adults. A few months ago, we had the following text exchange. The gray text is from Diana and the blue is mine. The picture was from her.

Just when I thought we had everything figured out, a few months later, this was our exchange. Again, Diana starts it out.

I can tell after this that my MOFO sister has no FOMO!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The Intruder

The other day going into my house, I was startled by a giant spider.

The Intruder

It was stalking me –  sitting on the side of the door casing between the garage door opener and the door handle.

Uncontrolled screaming (on my part) didn’t scare it away so I was faced with a decision. Back away slowly and leave until Stephen returned home from work (only about 6 hours) or find a way into the house, barricading myself inside hoping the intruder wouldn’t find a way in.

I decided to go in the house. Like an olympic athlete getting ready to run a race, I took a few breaths, pressed the button, grabbed the door handle, jumped inside and slammed and locked the door screaming the entire time. Heaving, I slowly calmed myself and the dogs down. Apparently, they didn’t like my screaming.

After I calmed them down

As my mind began to clear, I had a horrifying thought. I had to deal with the intruder. Otherwise it might disappear and attack me at anytime from anywhere. I could never enter the garage again – no place would be safe.

This could be me if I let the intruder live

It was imperative that I deal with the situation quickly using deadly force. Armed with a can of raid, I yanked the door open, jumped into the garage, aimed and fired. The intruder fell and ran. Although I lost site of him, he was mortally wounded. The only prudent move was to stay in the house the rest of the day.

When Stephen got home, he assured me that the intruder was expired and I could safely enter the garage. I felt like an invincible superhero that day, my bravery unmatched, but I never want to test my superpowers again.

This is me – strong and invincible, battling scary spiders

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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