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Archive for the ‘Blog Story (BS)’ Category

Things My Mom Said

Spending a week with my 86 year old mother is always a trip – both in terms of distance and experience. She never disappoints with her quips and this year the slights fell on the mild side.

On make-up:

Mom: Have you ever thought about wearing eyeliner?

Pam: You mean like I’m wearing now?

Mom: How about eyeshadow – I think you would look good in eyeshadow.

Pam: I’m wearing eyeshadow.

I plan to really doll myself up next year

On boobs:

Mom: I think we should all (my sister included) get breast implants.

Pam: My boobs are already big – I don’t need implants.

Mom: You should get breast reduction surgery.

Pam: I don’t think I’m big enough for insurance to pay for it. Besides, I don’t want to go through any unnecessary surgery.

Mom: You would look better with smaller breasts.

Pam: How small do you think my breasts should be?

Mom: Get little nubbins – I think that would look good.

This year it was my face and boobs, last year it was my hair. I can’t wait to see what she says next year – we’re obviously working our way down my body.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Second image from greetingcarduniverse dot com

Do a Little Dance, Push a Little Chair, Have Fun Tonight

I spent last week visiting my family. When we take my mom out, I always push her wheelchair to give my sister a break. To make the experience fun, I push the chair to my own beat – which usually matches the music in the store. Unbeknownst to me, Diana captured a snippet on tape.

When she saw the video, Mom got a kick seeing what’s been going on behind her back all these years.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The Test Drive

After filling out a sweepstakes for a free car, Stephen received a call from headquarters to come in for a test drive. They said they were having a “HUGE” customer appreciation event and wanted him to attend. Because these events are always crowded, Stephen was encouraged to make an appointment. HQ exclaimed that people drive seven hours to attend these sales. They settled on Saturday morning at 9:10 with Craig. Stephen appeared at the allotted time expecting excitement filled with balloons, crowds and donuts.

Reality didn’t come close to expectations – he was the only customer.

Jim and Dan met him at the door. Stephen explained that he had an appointment with Craig because of the crowds. All three looked around and chuckled. The two salesmen offered their services as they directed Stephen to a car. During the drive, Stephen’s phone rang. He commented to Jim and Dan that it was probably “just his wife” so he could let it go to voicemail.

Just his wife

When it rang a second time, Stephen thought there might be an emergency so he pulled over to take the call. Mitch from the Texas office was on the other end.

Mitch: Where are you? You were supposed to check in with Craig at 9:10. You’re late!

Stephen: I was here at 9:00 and am test driving one of your cars now.

Mitch: You need to return to the dealership immediately and check in with Craig!

Jim and Dan told Stephen not to worry about it, deciding to continue the drive. A couple of minutes later, Stephen received a call from a California office enduring a conversation similar to the one from Texas.

After hearing Stephen’s story, I concluded this car was not for us. If they’re confused about sales, service would be downhill with no brakes.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Just his wife?!?

 

 

The Goat

We love going to craft fairs. In the summer, there’s one happening nearly every weekend. Lately, Stephen has been attracted to goats and sheep, purchasing some unique finds. Take a look.

Notice the large, innocent sheep is holding a smaller sheep.

 

This little gem is made of clay.

Last weekend, the collection took a turn to the dark side. Walking past an artist’s booth, Stephen was attracted to a drawing of a goat. I walked quickly past the booth hoping he wouldn’t see it, but I wasn’t fast enough. He purchased it, almost skipping out of the booth he was so giddy. Once we found a frame and mat, we hung the goat in the kitchen – near the toasters – the only appliance (aside from the microwave) that I’m authorized to use.

I’ve stared at this goat for a week now, every morning when I make my toast. I swear he’s staring back. He has red devilish eyes and there appear to be flames in the background, presumably from when he set the barn on fire (the farmer was probably inside).

Lucifer – the goat from Hell

I don’t trust this animal. I’ve begun to closely supervise the toaster to make sure nothing bursts into flames. I try not to turn my back on the photo just in case it really is possessed. So far, he hasn’t attacked me during the night, but I fear it’s only a matter of time.

At the next craft show, I’m going to look for a picture of a coyote in hopes it will eat the goat. Once the coyote has finished his meal, I’ll set him free with the other coyotes in the park, restoring the balance of nature. In the mean time, I remain vigilant.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Hey Boobs

I recently enjoyed the company of my dear friend and sister, Linda. During her trip to visit me, we went to Tina’s Closet to buy new bras. This song, is for Linda and Tina – to be sung to the tune of Hey Jude.

Hey Boobs, you look so bad

Get a new bra to make it better

The sagging and drooping hap’ning today

Will be uplifted so you look better

Hey Boobs, don’t be afraid

Bra shopping cannot be made easier

Tina measures your size then she fetches

Only bras that fit so you look better

And anytime you feel some pain

Tina refrains

And offers a different fitting brassier

For well you know that it’s a fool

Whose boobs aren’t cool

Which makes your body hurt and look older

Bra-bra-bra, bra, bra

Bra-bra-bra, bra

New bra, won’t let me down

I have found you, you lift me higher

Remember you sit right next to my heart

Now you can start to make me better

So I breathe out and I breathe in

Hey bra, begin

My clothes look and fit the way they’re s’posed to

And don’t I know my look’s from you

Hey bra, you’ll do

When I am fitted by Tina’s Closet

Bra-bra-bra, bra, bra

Bra-bra-bra, bra, yeah

Hey Boobs, you look so grand

Got a new bra now I look better

I’m lifted, the fit and look are so great

The movement I need rests right on my shoulder

My bra is better better better better, ah!

Bra-bra-bra, bra, bra-bra-bra, bra, hey bra

Bra-bra-bra, bra, yeah bra

Bra-bra-bra, bra, bra-bra-bra, bra, hey bra

Bra-bra-bra, bra, yeah bra

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The Toilet Solution

While on the phone with a friend, Stephen walked an elderly man whom I had never met into our house so he could use the bathroom. I gave Stephen a WTF kind of look to which he shrugged his shoulders, raised his eyebrows and grimaced. The stranger was in there for a while and I could only imagine what kind of mess would be left behind.

Once I was off the phone and the bathroom was empty, I learned that the man was walking through the neighborhood with his adult son and was suddenly struck with an emergency. Seeing Stephen in the front yard, his son pleaded to let his father use the lavatory. I’m sure it was humiliating for his dad but the alternative would have been worse. The son waited on our stoop until his father finished and they continued on their way.

As the weather has gotten warmer, more people are out walking. I would prefer not to open my bathroom to strangers and discovered that nicer neighborhoods are more prepared for that unplanned but necessary stop.

Only in the best neighborhoods

I suspect more upscale subdivisions also have a hand washing station. Regrettably, a Pit Stop hasn’t shown up in our area yet.

Should you find yourself in the position of our stranger, I hope you’re lucky enough to be in a better neighborhood than mine.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Old Age

While at the doctor’s office, I was sitting in a small waiting room with my back to a narrow waist-high ledge separating the waiting room from the entry to the doctors. A few minutes after I sat down, an elderly lady exited the doctor’s office and stood behind me on the opposite side of the ledge. She was hunched over, using her walker. As soon as she appeared, her son ran to his mother to help her with her coat. In order to get her arms in the sleeves, she bent over the ledge placing her head inches from mine. I turned to her and smiled at which point she barked in a loud gruff voice “GETTING OLD IS HELL!” Unsure how to react, I smiled, gently touched her arm and said “It’s better than the alternative”. She quickly bellowed “NO IT AIN’T! I’D RATHER BE DEAD!!”

Normally that would be a conversation stopper but as I think back on the exchange, there are a number of responses that come to mind.

  1. “Well, maybe tomorrow.”
  2. “I’ve got a guy – do you want his number?”
  3. “I hope all your dreams come true.”
  4. “I’d rather be 20 pounds lighter. We all have problems, lady.”
  5. “Things could be worse – you could be dating my ex.”
  6. “You know, only the good die young.”
  7. “Go with God, my child.”
  8. Stand up and start screaming in an effort to scare her to death.
  9. Start singing Swing Low Sweet Chariot.
  10. Pretend you have to answer your phone.

Of course I didn’t say or do any of these things. What would you have done?

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

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