True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Archive for the ‘Blog Story (BS)’ Category

Parking Meter

Last weekend Stephen and I decided to do something different. We drove 30 miles to a craft fair in a small town. The fair was on the grounds of the courthouse in the middle of downtown within easy walking distance of shops and restaurants. A perfect venue with perfect weather… until we parked the car and found parking meters. I expect to pay for parking in the city, but when I stop in a small town far from the madding crowds, I presume parking will be free.

Because we were there on a Saturday, I didn’t get too worked up because surely patrons wouldn’t be expected to pay for parking on a weekend – right? We sat in the car for a few moments, observing other people inserting coins into their meters so we knew we had to do the same. Cursing like a parrot attached to a drunken pirate, I got out of the car and stomped to the meter. When I saw the charges, I burst out laughing. Not only are the charges ridiculously affordable, the amount of money collected is probably far less than the salary of the person who empties them.

Our total charge was 20 cents for the day. We left early, leaving a whopping 1 cent on the meter. As we left our spot, a big Ford SUV pulled in behind us. I was glad to give them our penny. It felt good to pay it Ford.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

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Two Truths and a Lie

The game Two Truths and a Lie is a fun way to get to know people. You say three things about yourself as if they were all true, but one is a lie. The other players have to guess which statement is untrue.  Last weekend, Stephen and I had lunch at Moe’s Southwest Grill and we noticed Two Truths and a Lie on the side of our drink cup. It wasn’t surprising to find this lighthearted riddle because Moe’s has a healthy sense of humor. For example, their current artwork creates scenes using restaurant food.

Moe’s: Tortilla Bus

Printing the game on the side of the cup was clever, but I was disappointed at what it said.

It stands to reason that the lie is the item that isn’t checked which points to the sad truth that Moe’s tofu is not raised on a free-range tofu ranch.

Tofu raised without the freedom to roam free

It’s a well known fact (that I just made up) that fenced tofu conditions are deplorable. Fenced tofu has a tendency to overcrowd even when ample space is available. Keep that in mind when you’re tempted to order tofu at Moe’s.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Visit With Vivian 2018

I recently spent a week with Vivian, my friend of more than 30 years. Earlier this year she moved into a new house, so I went to help her with some of the finishing touches. I also went to meet her two new cats. I had already met the other three.

Vivian’s beautiful home has a finished, walk-out basement that she doesn’t use, so I had an entire floor to myself. Well, almost. I woke up to this every morning.

Honor and Handsome

Additionally, I had to share my bathroom.

Hilly

Vivian thought of everything, including my private media center.

This was all mine!

However, I never used it because it seemed too difficult, what with three times as many remotes as devices.

Six remotes for a TV and a DVD player (which wasn’t plugged in).

One of the projects we worked on was assembling a lamp. Everything had to be put together, including the shade – otherwise how would it all fit in its tiny box?

The entire lamp was packed into this little box

Although most of our focus was on the house, Vivian’s car required a little work, too. A greasy cable was dangling from her door frame so she fixed it with duct tape.

Duct tape saved Vivian’s hair from a greasy cable

At the end of every busy day, we made time to enjoy the finer things in life.

Hilly forced us to relax

I was reminded during my visit how amazing it is that Vivian and I started out as friends and over time became family.

We’re like the mafia – in for life

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Audrey’s First Birthday

On August 31, 2017, we brought home the newest member of our family – Audrey, an Italian Greyhound. The breeder had a webcam and posted frequent pictures on Facebook as Audrey and her litter mates grew. We had never seen a puppy grow and it was awesome. In honor of Audrey’s first birthday (May 19), here are a few pictures of her then and now.

 

Special thanks to Dennis Goethe for capturing photos of Audrey as a tiny baby, allowing me to use the pictures and for Audrey, herself.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Like A Mother (A Song)

In honor of Mother’s Day, I’ve written a song to be sung to the tune of “Like A River” by Bishop Briggs. The original video is at the end of this post in case you want to sing along using my words.

Like A Mother

Like a mother, like a mother, sh-

Like a mother, like a mother, sh-

Like a mother, like a mother

If it’s not one thing then surely it’s your mother

 

Who gets under your skin

Harder than a bullet could hit ya?

Who makes you feel that guilt

Faster than a hairpin trigger?

 

Don’t you say, don’t you say it

Don’t say, don’t you say it

One breath, she’ll just break it

So shut your mouth or she’ll wash it out with lather

 

She raised you right, baby now you should give her

All your love because she delivered

She’s your mother, she’s your mother

It’s Mother’s Day so treat her like no other

 

Give her love till her veins start to shiver

One big hug till the tears start to wither

She’s your mother, she’s your mother

Shut your mouth or she’ll wash it out with lather

 

Tales of her sacrifice

Curses for the fools around her

Can’t change the way we are

Even if we would prefer

 

Don’t you say, don’t you say it

Don’t say, don’t you say it

One breath she’ll just break it

So shut your mouth or she’ll wash it out with lather

 

Shut your mouth, for you might deliver

Offspring who will grow to be sinners

You’re their mother, you’re their mother

They don’t shut their mouth you’ll wash it out with lather

 

They’ll give you love till your veins start to shiver

One big hug till your tears start to wither

You’re their mother, you’re their mother

If they don’t shut their mouth you’ll wash it out with lather

 

Like a mother, like a mother, sh-

Like a mother, like a mother, sh-

Like a mother, like a mother

If it’s not one thing then surely it’s your mother

 

Hey, oh oh oh

Hey, oh oh oh

Hey, oh oh oh

Oh oh oh

Like a mother

 

You raised them right, they should now be the giver

Of all their love because you delivered

You’re their mother, you’re their mother

It’s Mother’s Day so they should treat you like no other

Choke their love till their veins start to shiver

One last breath till their tears start to wither

Like a mother, like a mother

Shut their mouths and love them like a mother.

Living With New Carpet

Last week we got new carpeting. Our old carpet had pile that was 1/4 inch where it wasn’t matted down versus the new carpet with one inch pile. There’s a big difference between the pads, too. 

After a week of living in chaotic luxury, I’ve learned a few unexpected things.

  1. A thick pile doesn’t provide a stable walking surface. We’ve lost count of the number of times Stephen’s twisted his ankle. 
  2. Our main floor has hard wood. With the super thick carpeting on the stairs, that bottom step is a killer. We may have to buy a plush, cushy rug to put at the bottom of the stairs to shorten the drop of the last step.
  3. Speaking of stairs, to prevent uneven wear, we’ve set up a rotation schedule for transversing the steps. We alternate between each outside edge and the center.
  4. The problem with worn paths is not restricted to the stairs, so when we reach the carpeted floor, we walk like drunken pirates to prevent uneven wear. We even go out of our way to our intended destination. Lucky for us we have a parrot to make our gait more authentic. I recommend foregoing the sword, though – it can destroy carpet.
  5. Because the new carpet sits up higher than the old, the ceiling seems lower making the rooms feel smaller.
  6. The bathrooms are significantly lower than the carpeted areas – giving the impression of a sunken bathroom. After falling into the bathroom and tripping on the way out for five days in a row, the danger has finally passed.

Although adjusting to new carpeting can be challenging, the thrill of walking on a plush rug, the smell of new carpet in the air and the look of unmatted fibers is thrilling.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

New Carpeting

We just finished getting new carpet in the second level of our house. It was long overdue. The new carpet replaced 26 year old builder’s grade which is a fancy way of saying cheap. Builder’s grade carpet is so bottom of the line that when realtors sell homes with it, rather than cleverly disguising the carpet by listing “builder’s grade”, they suggest new owners may want to replace the flooring.

Although exciting, getting new carpeting has been traumatic. It was installed over two days because we couldn’t clear every room of furniture for a one-day installation. As you can see, we made excellent use of our spare bathroom.

The beginning of filling the bathroom

The tub had a lot of space to fill

No. More. Room.

The experience of recarpeting taught me several things.

  1. I don’t ever want to go through this again.
  2. We have too much stuff.
  3. I need a cat.

I realize the third point may seem out of place but it supports point #2. After packing everything, it all needs to be unpacked… unless you have a cat, then all the broken items can simply be thrown away.

Cats perform a great service

But alas, I have no cat so I am still unpacking…

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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