True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Archive for the ‘Blog Story (BS)’ Category

St. Nicholas Rhapsody

(To be sung to the corresponding verses of Bohemian Rhapsody)

I see a heavy silhouetto of a man

A red suite, a white beard, will you come down my chimney

Magic reindeer flying, truly it’s exciting me

Donner, Comet, Cupid, Prancer, Dancer, Dasher, Blitzen, Vixen, Rednose Rudolph your nose shines so very bright

(I am a good boy, Santa Claus loves me)

He is a good boy from a good family

Please bring him gifts on this bright Christmas day

Flying high, flying low, you put on a show

Old St. Nick! Whoa! You know we love you so

(Love you so) Old St. Nick! You know we love you so

(Love you so) Old St. Nick! You know we love you so

(Love you so) You know we love you so

(Love you so) You know we love you so

(Love you so) Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho

(Oh St. Nicholas, St. Nicholas) St. Nicholas, love you so

St. Nicholas has a present put aside for me, for me, for me

Merry Christmas and May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

 

 

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Legends of the Fall

When we were at Carlsbad Caverns, we went on a ranger guided tour into an undeveloped area of the cave called the Left Hand Tunnel. Before this tour, everywhere we went had paved pathways, handrails and lighting. The Left Hand Tunnel had none of these things. Because it isn’t lighted, it’s necessary to carry a candle lantern. The walkway is rough with deep ravines and it’s hard to see. I clearly didn’t understand the nature of this tour when I booked it.

The Left Hand Tunnel Tour

Going into the tunnel, the ranger walked slowly. At one point, we had to traverse a steep decline. The ranger guided us with lanterns providing as much light as possible. When my turn came, she commented how graceful I was. Thanking her, I added that I wasn’t accustomed to being described that way. Cursed by her compliment, I fell a few minutes later, dropping my lantern and extinguishing the flame within. I popped back up, losing no time at all.

On the way out, we moved faster and I fell a second time, tripping on a rock. This time I laid on the ground stunned at my predicament; my greatest fear being I would roll over and disappear into the endless crevasse at my side. Fortunately, my candle stayed lit so all the other people in the group could witness my reverie.

With only minor scrapes and bruises, I walked out of the cave with little difficulty. Once in the light, I was proud to discover I had cave dust all over my clothes. Stephen offered to brush it off, but I refused, basking in the evidence held only by true cavers.

The remains of my legendary fall

I now know why it’s called the Left Hand Tunnel – both times I fell on my left hand. I can only imagine the horrors that would have befallen me had I booked tours to Slaughter or Spider caves!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Funny Things Happened On The Way To The Caverns

We recently took a trip to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico. The nearest airport was in El Paso, Texas, so we had to rent a car and drive.

1. New Mexico IS part of the United States

Not long after leaving El Paso, we were forced to take a small detour where the highway diverted into a Border Patrol Station.

Map of Internal Border Control Checkpoints

At first I wondered if there had been a mix-up and authorities thought New Mexico wasn’t part of the United States. Then I panicked because I thought we had taken a wrong turn and were driving to the Mexican border. Upon realizing we were headed north, I continued to panic because we didn’t have our passports. I knew our vacation was over before it had begun. We were going to be arrested.

Arriving at Border Patrol, the officer asked where we were headed and if we were American citizens. He then told us to have a good time and sent us on our way. Wow – very…tight…security…

2. Aliens, Bigfoot and Body Swapping

Situated directly outside Carlsbad Caverns is a small town (population 7) called White’s City. It has a hotel, restaurant and shopping area with photo ops.

Tourist stop at White’s City

Because of the novelties, it turned out to be one of the highlights of the trip.

I knew Bigfoot was real

Aach! What happened to Stephen’s legs!

Sucked into an alternate universe

3. Time Warp

On our second day exploring the caverns, we spent the morning on a self-guided tour after which we trekked to the visitor center for lunch before a scheduled afternoon tour with a guide. Thinking we had more than an hour to enjoy our meal and relax, I checked the time on my phone and discovered our tour was scheduled to depart in less than 10 minutes. We inhaled a few more bites, gathered our belongings and took off running. When we arrived at our destination, no one was there. Checking my phone again, I found it read an hour earlier. From one end of the visitor center to the other, my phone showed a one hour time difference. Must have been the effect of the aliens in White’s City.

We experienced a time warp

In spite of the oddities we experienced, the trip was fantastic. More stories to come!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Halloween Poem 2018

On Halloween my mind goes wild

With thoughts from my inner child

The ghastly pair that once stood guard

Is now displayed in this front yard

The dragon full of spit and fire


Just sits atop a lonely wire

The witch that cast a spell and hex

Is resting on my neighbor’s deck

The crow that beckoned at my door

No longer caws his “nevermore”

Chew On This

Audrey, our youngest Italian Greyhound (IG), loves to chew. In addition to toys, anything is fair game: her dog tags, Max’s collar (her brother), wires, walls, windows, and anything else she can find.

Audrey chewing on the window

An elegant breed, Audrey can make IGs look goofy.

IGs are dignified

Because of Audrey’s propensity to gnaw, we raise our wooden vertical blinds out of reach and position the pulls where she can’t touch them. This is the damage she can do.

A pull before and after Audrey

The other day, Stephen raised the blinds but forgot to tuck away the pulls. I heard Audrey chewing on the knob and reminded Stephen of the need to displace the pulls. Here’s what happened.

Stephen: You know, you could have handled that better.

Pam: What are you talking about?

Stephen: The blind pulls. What you should have done was move the pulls yourself. You should also move them any time I forget in the future. Eventually I’ll notice what you’re doing and I’ll feel guilty. Then I’ll learn my lesson and start doing it myself.

I paused, initially thinking he was serious. Then I realized it didn’t matter whether he was or not and I burst out laughing, thus marking the end of the conversation.

BTW – he took care of the pulls himself.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Pup-Pee

While shopping last week, I overheard a woman talking on the phone with her significant other. Of course I could only hear one side of the conversation. It went like this.

Okay, so Sadie peed in the house [laughter]. That’s what puppies do.

No, I’m not coming home. You’re going to have to clean it up yourself.

Honey, remember when we talked about getting a dog and I explained that a puppy is a baby and doesn’t know anything? We both agreed that we would be willing to train a puppy.

Of course that included going to the bathroom. Did you honestly think a puppy would automatically know to go outside?

Kittens are different.

I don’t know why puppies can’t be like kittens but they aren’t.

Remember what I just said, a puppy is a baby. You wouldn’t scold a baby for peeing in their diaper because they don’t know what to do. It’s the same with a puppy. She’s a baby. She doesn’t know she shouldn’t pee on the floor until we teach her.

No, I already said that I’m not coming home to clean up the mess. You have to do it.

Just use rubber gloves and then wash your hands afterwards.

I promise that you won’t pick up any infectious diseases or get worms. It will be fine. Then take her outside and show her what to do.

No, please don’t pee in the yard. That was a poor choice of words. Take her outside and tell her to go potty. Bring a treat and if she goes to the bathroom, praise her and give her the treat.

I know she just went but remember, she’s a baby. She might have to go again.

You know what to do?

Okay, I love you too. Good luck.

When she hung up the phone, she was shaking her head, laughing and muttering under her breath. Something told me she was going to stay away from home longer than she’d originally planned.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Car Trouble

My car was recently in the shop resulting in my house arrest for nearly a week. When the dashboard warning light indicated trouble with the alternator, I called Stephen to see if I could drive it to a doctor’s appointment. He said sure, as long as I didn’t use any accessories including the radio, lights, turn signals, windows, heater, air conditioner and brakes. I was good up until the last restriction but somehow I made it work.

When the mechanic had my car, we expected to get it back the same day but through a comedy of errors he kept it for six days. Being sequestered at home for that length of time took its toll on me. To maintain some level of sanity, I cleaned the house, decorated for Halloween and wrapped Christmas presents. I’ll admit that I didn’t keep myself very tidy because I knew no one would see me. I felt kind of like this.

Me after six days of solitary confinement

When the car was finally ready, I was a little nervous driving home because I hadn’t driven in six days. I wasn’t even sure my license was still valid and thought perhaps I should have retaken my driving exam. Fortunately it all came back to me as soon as I got behind the wheel. For me, it wasn’t like the saying “it’s just like riding a bike” because when I ride I bike, I fall over more than I’m upright. As I was driving home, smiling, using the radio, lights, turn signals, windows, heater, air conditioner and brakes, I said to myself “it’s nothing like riding a bike”.

Pedaling doesn’t help me

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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