True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Archive for the ‘Blog Story (BS)’ Category

Stephen’s Comedy Routine

Stephen started laughing one morning and told me he’d come up with a stand-up comic routine. By the time he was finished, I was laughing, too. Here it is.

When I was at church on Sunday, the minister opened the floor to anyone who wanted to testify. A stranger walked to the front of the sanctuary. He was disheveled, bruised up and looked like he needed a good night’s rest along with a hot meal. Our church never turns anyone away, so we all sat there waiting to see what was on his mind.

He said “Backsliding is good. Without backsliding, there wouldn’t be testifying. Nobody comes to church for the unearthly word of God, they want to hear something real. And they don’t want to hear meaningless drivel like ‘I ate an extra donut or I had bad thoughts’. They want something they can gossip about when they leave church like ‘I stole a car and used it to rob three banks, killing two guards. During my getaway, I missed the bridge and went into the river. I wandered for three days in the woods and fell asleep in the basement of this building’. Now that’s why people come to church! Can I hear an amen?”

May the farce be with you!

And also with you.

Your IFF,

Pam

comedy-spot

 

Why I Don’t Cook

This past week I decided to make my own lunch on the big fire box in the kitchen (some call it a stove) – using individual ingredients as opposed to a prepackaged dinner heated in the microwave. I’m not a cook, never have been and rarely use any of the strange appliances in the kitchen because I don’t want to destroy anything. Years ago I started a fire on the stove when I tried to boil oil – an experience I hope to never repeat.

In addition to my fear of fires and explosions, I don’t like to cook because recipes are difficult for me to follow. In need of a simple and easy recipe, I chose to make a grilled cheese sandwich. The recipe called for cream cheese, mustard and shredded cheese. Well, and bread – you needed that, too.

In following the instructions, I got stuck. I couldn’t understand what I was supposed to do. Here was the problem (the recipe was for four servings).

In a small bowl, combine cream cheese and mustard; spread about 1 TBSP cream cheese mixture on one side of each piece of bread. Top 4 slices of bread with 3 TBSP cheese each; cover remaining bread slices, cream cheese side down.

I had several problems with these instructions. First, I didn’t know which pieces of bread were the top four. Frankly, I wasn’t sure why that was important but thought it must be since they were specifically listed.  Second, was the 3 TBSP of cheese – shredded or cream mixture? Since the cream cheese was already listed, it stood to reason the second reference was for the shredded variety. Third, it said to cover the remaining bread slices – with what? And how could I tell which were remaining when I didn’t know which were the top 4? Finally, why cream cheese down? Wouldn’t it be hard to cook with the cream cheese directly on the pan? It didn’t make any sense at all.

Of course I figured it out and made the sandwich correctly but the instructions could have been much clearer. This is the perfect example of why I hate to cook.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

lousy_cook

Not Kevin

The last time Stephen and I saw a movie, I went into the theater before him to find seats. Upon entering the cinema, I was surprised to find it empty. Waiting for Stephen, I jokingly stood watching for him so he could find me. As soon as the door opened, I started waving both arms, shouting “Stephen – over here. I’m here!” He stood in place, not moving, so I exaggerated my gestures and yelled louder. I thought he was pretending not to see me amidst the massive crowd of one. After a few moments, it looked as though he was going to turn around and leave, perhaps to retrieve forgotten mustard for his hotdog. Finally, he stepped into the light and with a confused (and slightly frightened look), said “I’m not Kevin.” He then promptly took a seat in the last row – as far away from me as he could get.

Once the stranger was seated, I walked up to him laughing and apologized. I admitted that he wasn’t Stephen (aka Kevin) and told him he could sit wherever he wanted. After pointing out that he was doing just that, he said it was no problem. A few more people showed up before Stephen finally came in. When he did, I stood up, faced the back of the theater where Not Kevin was sitting, waved my arms and shouted “He found me!” Everyone looked except Not Kevin who pretended he didn’t see me. When he finally realized I wasn’t going to stop until I was acknowledged, he gave me a quick nod of his head.

I think I scared Not Kevin that day. This crazy stranger trying to capture his attention when we were alone together in an empty theater. My theory was confirmed when I saw he was one of the first to leave at the end of the show. Had I been on my toes, I would have waited for him by the door. That was definitely Not Kevin’s lucky day.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

not-kevin

The Man Cold

Last week, Stephen was home sick for several days. He spent the majority of his time unconscious – asleep in bed – so he was very low maintenance. Fortunately for me, he had the flu and not a cold. In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, the video below illustrates my concerns perfectly.

Warning: This video contains graphic information and is thus intended for mature audiences only. Viewer discretion is advised.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Texting With My Sister

I recently discovered bitmoji – a free app where you can create an avatar in your image to communicate with other people’s avatars. When I first started using the app, my sister noticed that my emojis looked like me. After creating her own avatar, we stopped texting each other because our avatars were too busy communicating. Here’s a sample of their conversations. My avatar has curly hair and my sister’s avatar’s hair is straight. Notice how much nicer my avatar is than hers, reflecting how we are in real life.

42.4 - 50" of snow! Why do I live here?

42.4 – 50″ of snow! Why do I live here?

That's horrible!

That’s horrible!

We were trapped for two days. Some people are still trapped! Aargh!!!!!

We were trapped for two days. Some people are still trapped! Aargh!!!!!

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It’s enough to drive you crazy! What does SMH stand for?

Shake My Head

Shake My Head

 

I'm stressed and cranky! Watch your step!

I’m stressed and cranky! Watch your step!

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We have another storm coming!

We have another storm coming!

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Big baby!

You're number one

You’re number one

Our avatars are so funny, I laugh every time I use them.

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May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Perfect Start To The Day

One morning Stephen called me to come downstairs with our dog Dewey so he could look out the front window. A petite woman was across the street walking her 60 pound dog. Dewey loves to look out the window and bark, so it was a perfect start to his day. Before I finished setting him in the bay window, he was barking.

One of Dewey's favorite spots

One of Dewey’s favorite spots

The lady had stopped next to a tree where a squirrel was taunting her dog. The dog was bouncing around the base of the tree looking straight up. We couldn’t see the squirrel, but clearly he could. During the course of 10 minutes, the woman made several attempts to leave with her dog, but he kept pulling her back to the tree. She would try to distract him, they’d walk a few feet and then the dog would drag his owner back.

Upon hearing Dewey’s incessant barking, the lady looked over to our house whereupon we smiled and waved. She reciprocated. Like voyeurs, we were unable to take our eyes off the scene. While waiting for her dog to lose interest in the squirrel, she passed the time with her phone. Attempting to distract the dog again, she made it as far as 20 feet whereupon the dog pulled his owner back to the tree. At one point, when neighborhood dogs started barking, she enticed her dog to move toward the noise. Again after walking about 20 feet, he turned back to the tree, dragging his owner behind.

Maybe tired of standing around or perhaps thinking we were bored with the scene, the lady finally picked her dog up and carried him. We couldn’t stop laughing watching this tiny woman waddle away toting a dog that was nearly as big as her.

When it was all over, we realized this was not only the perfect start to Dewey’s day, but ours as well.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

One more thing. Dewey’s an Italian Greyhound, a breed of dog that’s notoriously quiet. Dewey’s an exception to that rule. Here he is hoping to find his own squirrel.

Artistry

When Stephen and I were dating, his mom taught art classes. An excellent artist herself, Joan often said that anyone could learn to paint. As we were getting to know each other, Joan offered to teach me. I chose to paint a photograph of a barren landscape with a double rainbow. There was little detail increasing my confidence that I could paint a reasonable replica of the picture, especially with an expert like Joan helping me choose the colors. At the end of our lesson, I presented my masterpiece; it was terrible. From that point forward Joan changed her stance to almost anyone could learn to paint.

Through the years, I haven’t let my lack of ability hold me back. Following a visit to friend’s house, I tried to describe the layout to Stephen so I drew the floor plan. When I was finished with my description, Stephen looked at my drawing and started to laugh. He said it looked more like a monster than a home. He thought we should frame my “art” because it was brilliant.

Frankly, I think it looks like a mess but you can decide for yourself. I’m either terrible at drawing or a mad genius. If you think it’s the latter, watch for the original, signed drawing on ebay. I’m sure it’s going to draw a lot of interest. It will be a great investment as the value will only go up!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The work of a mad genius?

 

 

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