True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Archive for the ‘Blog Story (BS)’ Category

Best Legs

When my mom was 21 years old, she entered a beauty contest sponsored by Movieland Magazine – “Your Legs Can Be Your Fortune”. After her entry was received, a letter was sent to my dad confirming her registration. It was clear he had to approve her participation.

When the judging was complete, she received a Western Union telegram telling her she was their 7th place winner. In addition to flowers, her prizes included three pairs of Holeproof Hosiery plus one pair of Willys of Hollywood Hosiery valued at $5 per pair. Of course she would also appear in the magazine.

My mom – 7th Place Winner

I know that I could never win a best legs contest, but I’m sure my daughter could – her legs go on for days. Now if I could only get her to wake up.

She’s adopted

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Family Photos

When my sister and I sorted through old family photos, I took custody of the majority of them. They’re fun to go through – recapturing old memories. There are shots you try to duplicate.

My sister’s on the right. I’m under the hair dryer.

The only thing that looks the same is the hair dryer.

There are shots that explain why you needed therapy.

That Santa is seriously scary looking.

Photos of people you don’t know.

Obviously, she doesn’t like having her picture taken.

And then there are shots that make you regret giving your sister all the pictures.

Beauty show contestant

She sang the song “Feelin’ Groovy”. As I recall, she was more animated in her performance than Simon and Garfunkel were in theirs.

Let this be a lesson –  you take a risk if you let someone else keep old photos. I would apologize to my sister, but she was forewarned.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Just Turn It

My friend’s daughter decided to take up painting. To encourage her new endeavor, she gave her daughter several blank canvasses. A few weeks later, my friend noticed the canvasses were blank. When she asked about it, her daughter said they were portrait and she wanted landscape.

From portrait to landscape! It’s a miracle!

Although a true story, I found this tale hard to believe until something similar happened in my own family. Looking for a present for my mom, I found a picture of a zebra.

Zebra with a head

Unfortunately, the picture was too large to ship, so I texted a photo of it to Diana, my sister, to see if she could find the same item locally. My mom and Diana live in the same town so shipment is not an issue. Shortly after sending the text, I got a message from Diana saying she couldn’t find an exact match but she found a zebra picture without a head. This is what she sent.

Zebra without a head

A few minutes later, she texted again and said she was looking at it upside down. I’ll admit I made the same mistake, but it was a tiny image on my phone. Therefore, I place all responsibility with Diana.

Remember this. Everyone should get at least one turn.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The Difference Between Men and Women

When I was in graduate school, one of the professors would always stare at my chest. I dressed in loose clothing when I knew he would be around to minimize the distraction. I think if I had worn a different bra, he wouldn’t have recognized me. Years later, I’ve become accustomed to thinking (if not saying) “my eyes are up here”. Any woman who has ever experienced this knows exactly how uncomfortable it feels.

The other day when Stephen was getting ready for work, he put on a belt that had significant wear. The part of the belt that slipped through the buckle was gray, instead of black. When he refused to change, I told Stephen if people stared at his belt, he should point to his eyes and say “hey – I’m up here”. In response, he proudly pushed his pelvis forward, pointed below his belt and said “hey – I’m down here”.

That’s the difference between men and women.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Hello!! My eyes are up here!

The Scorpion

I have a strained relationship with bugs – they like me but I don’t like them. If there’s a bug within 100 miles, it will find me. At times I feel there’s a conspiracy within the bug world to torture me. Let me give you an example.

Stephen and I were in Cancun, lying on the beach when a bee stung me. Stephen ran to the bar to get a shot of booze and while he was there he got one for me to use to extract the poison out of the wound. When the bartender heard what happened, he said “we don’t have bees in Cancun”. Yeah, right.

My latest debacle involves a scorpion. In fact, I’m sitting crossed legged (lotus position) in my desk chair to keep my feet off the floor because I’m afraid I’ll be stung. The other day, while working at my computer, I saw a creature with a long body whose rear end was curled up over its back. We (meaning Stephen) searched everywhere but was unable to find it. Wondering whether its inevitable, powerful sting would kill me, I Googled scorpions in Illinois. The species that live in Illinois are not deadly but are so rare they are hardly ever seen. Exactly like bees in Cancun.

To make matters worse, soon after the scorpion sighting, I found a wasp laying nearby on a rug trying its best to crawl over and sting me before it took its last dying breath. Although the wasp looked similar to the scorpion, I’m sure it’s simply a coincidence.

It’s been several days since my scorpion appeared, and frankly I’m tired of losing all feeling in my legs from keeping my feet off the floor. I don’t know how long scorpions live, but I’ll sit this way a few more days to be safe.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The thing in the corner looks like my scorpion

 

Chew On This

I have two little dogs – 17 and 11 pounds. When shopping for treats, I discovered large flat chews that are almost as big as my dogs.

 

Max can barely carry the treat but he loves it

I started with a pack of three because I wasn’t sure how they would respond. Our plan was to cut them into smaller pieces but Mia and Max found the big ones irresistible. Even though they each had their own, I quickly discovered they always wanted the same one.

Even with multiple treats, one chew is always better and everybody wants it

Observing this behavior, it seems that dogs are a lot like people. The grass is always greener (aka the other chew always tastes better). And, we don’t always appreciate what we have.

Based on empirical evidence (my observation), both chews are fantastic. One doesn’t taste better than another so enjoy what you were given. Hmm, I think these sage words apply to us as well. Just remember – don’t bite off more than you can chew.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Retirement

After teaching second grade for 44 years, Diana, my sister is retiring. Even though she wants to retire, it’s difficult for her to leave her kids. In looking for a retirement card, I didn’t want something sentimental to make her cry, I wanted to make her laugh. After an extensive search, I found an irreverent online card retailer: nobleworkscards.com where I found the perfect card.

It made her laugh

Funny enough, she had recently encountered a situation similar to the card where a little kid wanted his damn whatever. Diana’s had many stories over the years. Another that struck a cord with me was when one student tattled on another saying he gave her the finger. When Diana investigated, the offender said his action was okay because he used his ring finger instead of his middle finger. A perfect example of the experiences she’s going to miss when school starts next fall.

Retirement is an exciting (although sometimes distressing) transition representing a new chapter in life. The card I gave Diana was blank inside. My message read: “Happy Retirement – don’t fuck it up.” That goes for all of us – enjoy every day. Embrace each new adventure.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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