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Archive for the ‘Fabricated Imaginary Tale (FIT)’ Category

Solar Eclipse Survival Guide

On August 21 a giant invisible serpent will slowly devour and regurgitate the sun.

The air will become electric and animals will howl, including those with fur and four legs.

During the brief moments of this wondrous event, horrors of untold magnitude will unfold. Although I know nothing about these abominations (because they are untold), that won’t stop me from providing information needed to survive these monstrosities, while still enjoying the eclipse.

It’s common during a solar eclipse for large groups of people to gather. Because everyone’s attention is turned to the sky, the most obvious dangers will come from the ground. To ensure your survival, you will need to bring the following items:

  • garlic
  • wooden stake
  • silver forks (not stainless steel)
  • tin foil hat
  • head phones or ear plugs

The most prevalent threat will be vampires.

Normally limited to nighttime activities, there will be enough ultraviolet restriction during even a partial eclipse that vampires will venture out for a daytime snack. Although they are the fastest and most ubiquitous threat, they are also the easiest to guard against. Wear garlic around your neck to keep them at bay. As an added precaution, keep your wooden stake handy. Should they unexpectedly attack, simply thrust the stake through their heart.

The second menace will come from the lycanthrope family, aka werewolves.

One might normally think werewolves wouldn’t surface since solar eclipses only happen during a new moon and werewolves exist only during full moons. However, the moon’s silhouette appears full during the eclipse stimulating the lycanthropic switch. Because wolves are pack animals, your best and easiest measure of protection is to move to the center of the crowd as werewolves will attack outliers first. If they do approach, threaten them with your silver fork as a signal to choose an easier target.

Solar eclipses are beacons for alien attacks. Don a tin foil hat to prevent aliens from controlling your mind. They rarely make physical appearances during an eclipse because attention is focused on the celestial display and they don’t like to share the spotlight. You can be confident the hat will provide sufficient protection.

Finally, the most frightening threat of all – politicians.

Fortunately they will be locked out of congress during the eclipse. However, in case you see them in the crowd, have your head phones or ear plugs ready to protect yourself from their rhetoric.

By following this simple guide, you will live to tell family and friends about your experience. Additionally, you will give others something to laugh about.

Safe viewing and may the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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Santa’s Beard

Stephen has a beard – not like Duck Dynasty-type facial hair – it’s trimmed short. I love his beard because he grew it for me when we first started dating. However, now there are times when his beard makes me look old and I don’t like that. When we were younger, Stephen’s beard was a beautiful brown but now, unless he colors it, his beard is almost entirely white. I complain and ask him to color it, but he only tends to listen before some special event…until this happened.

We were out shopping and a little girl came up to us asking if Stephen was Santa. Before he could say no, I put my finger to my lips, said “Shhh” and bent down to her level. I told the little girl that he was Santa. You could see wonder emanating from her face as magic consumed her imagination. I said that after Christmas, Santa trims his beard and changes his hair making it difficult for people to recognize him and that only very good boys and girls can see through his disguise. I told her she was obviously special and that’s why she knew he was Santa, adding how important it was to be good all year. Then I told her we had to keep it a secret. Both the little girl and her mom were beaming when we parted company. As soon as we got home, Stephen colored his beard.

The next day I called my friend, the little girl’s mother, and told her our scheming was a success!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Stephen's beard is even whiter now.

Ho, ho, ho – this makes Pam look old

I look so much younger standing next to this!

Pam looks so much younger standing next to this!

Diary of a Spider

Dear Diary: Today is glorious. My 1,400 siblings and I have hatched. We’ve said our goodbyes and are scattering to the wind. Although we only knew each other for a few seconds, our parting was bittersweet.

Dear Diary: I am beyond ecstatic. I have found the perfect spot to weave my home – next to a light with a roof and a beautiful post to extend my web. It’s still daytime yet I’ve already caught a tasty treat.

Dear Diary: Night is upon us and the light has miraculously turned itself on. I didn’t have to do a thing. Now I’m waiting for the wondrous bounty that awaits.

Dear Diary: I’ve run into a snag. One of the walls next to my web has a hole that opens. Giant two legged creatures walk into the hole and disappear; they call the hole a door. One of them screams when near and moves incredibly fast. I fear this will scare away my prey.

Dear Diary: Last night was difficult. The giants moved through the hole and past my web several times during the night. One even tried to chase me away but I remain steadfast.

Dear Diary: The screaming giant is back. Although the others laugh, they make every attempt to protect the loud one. I fear my home may be in danger. In fact, I also fear for my life.

Dear Diary: The danger is increasing. I remain vigilant as the giants continue to invade my space.

Dear Diary: The worst has happened. One of the giants caught me and placed me in a leafy area far from my home. I’m afraid I will starve.

Dear Diary: All is well. My new home has turned out much better than I hoped. I have many spaces to weave my web and prey steadily wander into my trap. The best part – no more giants.

Dear Diary: The giants has been replaced by four legged, long tailed green creatures. The giants call them lizards. They move quickly and eat my food. I must plot my revenge.

Dear Diary: The lizards have eaten several of my siblings. I am ever vigilant.

Dear Diary: I’m truly frightened, a lizard has approached my web. He possesses a wildly dangerous demean~~~

Spiders are extremely proficient on the web

Spiders are extremely proficient on the web

Business Lessons From “This Little Piggy”

This little piggy went to market.

The Big Toe represents the principal of the foot. It is usually an educated, older white male regardless of the gender or skin color of its owner. There’s very little diversity among big toes. Clearly in control, the other little piggies are forced to follow the Big Toe’s lead. The Big Toe doesn’t care about the others, only what they can do for him. He provides direction but the lesser piggies do most of the work. He’s pampered because he’s viewed to be the most important of the toes. However, truth be told, he couldn’t function properly without the other piggies. He’s also extremely well paid, so he can afford to go to the market anytime he wants.

This little piggy stayed home.

The Second Toe is Big Toe’s key advisor. Most often white male, he takes orders from Big Toe and directs the actions of the other piggies through his key advisor, Middle Toe. He filters communication back up to Big Toe as necessary – only to the extent Big Toe might be personally affected. He’s also well cared for but is expendable like the other piggies. Because of his highly stressful position, he often calls in “sick”. Although he stays home quite often, he still works very hard.

This little piggy had roast beef.

Perhaps the hardest working piggy, Middle Toe works directly with all the toes. This is the toe where diversity becomes evident. She’s extremely conscientious and proud of the position she’s achieved, although she would like to be acknowledged for her efforts. She may not be wealthy but she has enough to feed her family roast beef.

This little piggy had none.

Fourth Toe is undervalued and under appreciated. She works as hard as the other toes but is often overlooked as a key player. She doesn’t earn enough to buy roast beef but she still makes a decent living. Unfortunately she’s easily expendable and she knows it. Nevertheless, when she’s not surfing the web, she contributes her part to make the foot move forward.

This little piggy went “wee wee wee” all the way home.

Little Piggy clearly doesn’t give a sh*t. He shows up to work every day but contributes as little as possible. He’s self conscious because he’s smaller than the others and has a slightly different shape. Consistently ignored, he spends more time whining and complaining about the other piggies than he does working. The others aren’t even sure why he’s there because he rarely adds value.

The lesson.

If Big Toe got his head out of the end of the shoe and acknowledged the value of his other toes, the foot would run faster and longer, improving the whole body.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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This lucky little piggy couldn’t care less, viewing these lessons as spam

Marshmallow Fields Forever

While out on a leisurely Sunday drive, I stumbled upon this field of marshmallows, which sparked me to do research into this wildly popular delicacy.

One crop can produce more than a million edible treats

One crop can produce more than a million edible treats

Marshmallows (scientific name bog victa – meaning marsh food) were first discovered near Stonehenge, aligned as a perfect replica of the famous artifact. Domesticated in the bogs of Ireland, marshmallows were introduced to the Americas through European contact in the late 15th century, eventually spreading to the rest of the world due to their ability to thrive in diverse climates.

A hearty crop, they can grow as large as 10 feet tall by 15 feet long. Using highly sophisticated, technical machinery, they are cut to the size you see in stores. Because of their tacky, pliable texture, cutting is the most difficult part of the harvesting process.

Marshmallows after processing

Marshmallows after processing

In their natural state, marshmallows are white with no added flavoring. They have since been genetically modified and are available in a variety of colors and flavors including cinnamon bun, gingerbread, strawberry and chocolate. Most people don’t know this, but Peeps were a failed attempt to improve upon the marshmallow. Surprisingly, Peeps survived in their own right.

Experts disagree whether marshmallows are considered to be candy. The confusion stems from the fact that they are found in the baking section rather than the candy aisle.  A common staple among bakers, they’re used to make Rice Krispie bars, S’mores and other sugary goodies. People have been known to eat them right out of the bag as well.

For a while, marshmallows were represented by a mascot – the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. However, the relationship turned sour when he went on an unexplained monstrous rampage. Some suspected a GMO gone awry. After that, marshmallow manufacturers distanced themselves from the beast. Here’s some rare footage of the grisly scene.

Fortunately the industry survived the ugly scandal and marshmallows, produced on local farms, are still as popular as ever.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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