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Archive for the ‘How Tweet It Is’ Category

Carpe Daith

I’m always on the lookout for innovate migraine treatments. Swearing and dead moles didn’t do the trick so my ears perked up when I came across ear piercing, specifically the daith (the inner cartilage section of the ear).

Daith Piercing

I’m daithly afraid of this

Why the daith? Because it runs through a pressure point. I’ve tried a lot of nontraditional things, but I’m hard pressed to let someone poke a hole with a huge needle through one of the most sensitive parts of my ear.

Research is inconclusive as to whether daith piercing helps with migraines. All of the evidence so far is anecdotal. A discussion on Facebook illustrates the controversy. I’ve highlighted the most important sections.

Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 1.28.11 PM

When I read this, I thought two things. (1) I’m glad someone other than me was being called out for screwing up a phrase (see my list of Fractured Cliches); and (2) The exchange was like watching my dogs being distracted by a squirrel.

My final words on the subject – daith piercing sounds like a bunch of bull crap. (Bunch, that doesn’t sound right. It’s something like that, I’m sure of it. Dang, I need to learn to swear correctly.) I need proof of daith to use this procedure, until then it falls on daith ears.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

The Chicken and The Eggs

Upon entering a movie theater, I noticed the staff wearing t-shirts depicting farm animals. The images were promoting animals from a movie and the best part – the animals were going to make an appearance.

While standing in the concession line, a chicken and two eggs entered the lobby. More excited than any adult should have been, I ran over to get my picture taken (before all the kids showed up). Seeing the perfect opportunity, I thought I might finally get an answer to one of life’s burning questions: “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

When I blurted out the question, my cliche disability kicked in and instead I asked: “Who came out first?” They said “the chicken” but I’m not sure what question they answered.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The Nut, the Chicken and the Eggs

The Nut, the Chicken and the Eggs

Don’t Step On My Parade

Whew! So glad it's not raining!

Whew! So glad it’s not raining!

Fractured Cliché #55

Fractured Cliché:  You are the weakest leak

Correct Cliché:  You are the weakest link

I can’t think of a time when it’s good to be the weakest link, but I think that being the weakest leak can be either positive or negative.

Wikileaks, for example, only wants to talk to strong leaks.  Whereas my friends often confide in me because I’m a weak leak (i.e., I will not leak confidential information).

As you get older, you hope for the weakest leak, especially when you laugh or sneeze.

I recently discovered a leak in our house.  I heard a noise that I thought was dripping water.  Besides a dripping sound, there was a crackling sound. Worse than that, the noise was coming out of one of the electrical outlets. Worse yet, when I touched it, it was hot.

Fortunately nothing happened and the house is still standing.  It turns out the leak was caused by Stephen overwatering plants on the floor above.

I’m happy to say we successfully eliminated the weakest links and leaks!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Water water everywhere

Water water everywhere

Fractured Cliché #54

Fractured Cliché: Sow your wild goats

Correct Cliché: Sow your wild oats

My skill with fracturing clichés is not limited to speech. Sure, I’ve vocalized more than my fair share of mistakes, but I’ve misunderstood just as many.

Take this week’s example.

A friend was talking about taking an extravagant vacation and said she wanted to sow her wild oats. I thought she had changed the subject and asked why she’d want to sew goats. What did she want to put on them? For that matter, why would she want to sew anything. If she wanted sewn goats so badly, she should just go buy some.

Once she quit laughing, she explained that she said sow your wild oats. I stopped her at that point because I got it.

Sewing goats made perfect sense at the time because it tied in with another cliché: you reap what you sew! (Yes, I know it’s wrong…)

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Sewing wild goats

Sewing wild goats

Fractured Cliché #53

I’m domestically challenged. I’ve admitted this before and although I’m not proud, the fact remains.

Sometimes my friends forget the extent of my, um, disability. They’ll ask me to help with “little” things in the kitchen. With my limitations, nothing is little. The beauty is that I’m always only asked once.

One of my most memorable blunders occurred when I was asked to slice tomatoes. For the average person, this might sound relatively easy. However, for me there’s a lot to consider. A tomato is round with no obvious up or down side. Therefore, when slicing a tomato, it’s not clear where to start.

Well, I sliced the tomato wrong. The person who asked me to complete this task, with full knowledge of my incompetence, couldn’t understand how I could mess up something so simple.

I’ll tell you how. There were no instructions. In the kitchen instructions are rarely detailed enough for me. That’s why I should never be asked to assist with cooking or food preparation of any kind.

Although today’s blunder isn’t technically a cliché, the sentiment still applies.

Fractured Phrase: Beefcake Tomato

Fractured Phrase: Beefsteak Tomato

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Beefcake Tomato

Beefcake Tomato

Fractured Cliché #52

A while back I was talking to a friend who was going through a rough time. I listened to her and offered emotional support.

In my attempt to say something that would make her feel better, I told her that it’s always darkest before the storm (Fractured Cliché).

When she heard me say that, she promptly burst into tears.

I wasn’t sure what I’d said wrong but I fumbled to make it right and restated that it’s always darkest before the calm (Fractured Cliché).

Unfortunately, she continued to cry. The damage had already been done.

Apparently, it’s not only dark before the storm, but it’s also calm before the storm (Correct Cliché).

Later, after we parted ways, I looked up the cliché to see what I should have said: It’s always darkest before the dawn (Correct Cliché).

I wish the correct cliché had dawned on me before I darkened my friend’s door – and mood.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

It actually is dark before a storm. It's dark during a storm, too.

It’s not only dark before a storm. It’s dark during a storm, too.

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