True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Visit With My Mom

I just wrapped up my annual trek to see my mother. Following are a few highlights from the trip.

Sitting across the table from Mom at the mall food court, she looked at me and said “Have you ever considered curling your hair?” I looked at Diana, my sister, who was sitting next to me and burst out laughing. My hair is naturally curly.

Confused by my reaction, Mom clarified her question “I mean with curlers.” I replied “You mean, so it looks nice?” To make sure there was no misunderstanding, I turned to Diana and said “Mom doesn’t like my hair. She thinks I should fix it so it looks nice.”

While at the mall, we took Mom to a dressing room so she could try on clothes. We helped her out of her wheelchair to make changing easier. The space was tight, so I sat in the wheelchair. When it was time to leave, my feet got tangled in the foot rests which resulted in a slow motion fall. I bounced off every surface of the dressing room – like a lottery ball.

When the ricocheting stopped, I slowly slid onto the floor. As I sat cowering in a corner, a store clerk asked if we were all right. Staggering out of the dressing room behind Diana and Mom, the clerk anxiously asked if Mom was okay. Bleeding profusely from my elbow and colored by what would eventually turn into 11 bruises on my arms and legs, I explained that Mom was fine but I fell. Breathing a sigh of relief, the clerk exclaimed how happy she was that Mom didn’t get hurt. Limping away, I was tempted to tell her how to remove my blood stains from the carpet but kept my mouth shut because I felt slightly resentful about the lack of attention I was receiving.

At the end of our outing, we returned to Mom’s apartment whereupon she brought up her obituary. She emphatically stated that she wanted nothing more than a death notice. She gave me an evil eye and told me she would come back and haunt me if I wrote anything else. I told her I would take that as a personal challenge. I’m definitely going to be haunted.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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Crockpot

Although growing your own Crocs is economical, they have to be picked at just the right time to ensure the proper size

Stephen and I decided to do some mall walking. During our stroll, we ran across a puppy store. While we would never buy a puppy from a store, we like to stop in and take a look. The puppies are kept in cribs that are set low to the ground. If you were so inclined, you could easily reach down and pet a puppy. However, the store staff won’t allow any of the dogs to be touched. This is the equivalent of putting little kids in a candy store and telling them they can’t have any. It makes no sense.

All the puppies were cute but one in particular caught my eye – a Chinese Crested.

Powderpuff Chinese Crested – mostly hairless

These dogs are small and bald. I’ve always been curious about their personalities and how they would compare to Italian Greyhounds, my breed of choice.

Italian Greyhounds

The store wasn’t too busy, so we asked if we could see the dog. The sales representative tapped the puppy lightly and concluded he was sleeping. She then covered him with a blanket to prolong his nap. She explained their policy was not to wake the dog and that if he woke during our visit, we could see him.

The sales rep had no idea we weren’t serious shoppers. Had we been, they would have lost a sale. This seems no different than going to buy a car and being told you can’t sit in it or take it for a test drive. Now who’s going to be crazy enough to buy THAT car?!? Other than the 500,000 people who preordered a sight unseen Tesla, of course.

Tesla Model 3 – 500K preorders before production started

That may not have been the most effective analogy.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Banana Belt

With his bold fashion sense, Jerry made the banana belt wildly popular

The Eyes Have It

I’ve worn corrective lenses most of my life and through the years my vision has both deteriorated and improved. However, I’ve never experienced a situation like the following.

Stephen and I took the sidecar motorcycle on a 20 mile ride to attend an outdoor craft fair. I usually wear my glasses on the motorcycle but that day I had my contacts in so I closed my eyes to prevent them from drying out. It was enjoyable because the smells, sounds and feel of the wind on my skin were intensified.

We wear helmets unless there’s a photo op

Arriving at our destination, we walked through the fair, chatting with vendors and perusing their wares. We then ate lunch and spent time at a mall.

Craft Fair (Photo credit: Village of Algonquin)

When we got home and I went to remove my contacts, I reached for my lens case only to discover that I had forgotten to put them in. Apparently, I spent the entire day free of any corrective lenses.

Now some might say my vision had improved for the day – a Christmas miracle in July. Others would laugh that my older brain experienced a major blip resulting in forgetfulness and poor attention to detail. Being the incurable optimist that I am, I vote for the first explanation. Since mine is the only vote that counts, I can confidently state that the Ayes have it!

Aye Ayes have it too! (Photo credit: Bristol Zoo)

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

To learn more about Aye Ayes, see the video below. It’s hilarious.

Warning: video contains salty language although Aye Ayes eat very little, if any, salt.

Nest Egg

Stephen is carefully guarding his nest egg

I’m going to visit my mom to celebrate her 85th birthday. She lives 900 miles away and I only see her once a year, however, we talk on the phone several times per week. Here’s an account of some of our most recent awkward conversations.

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Mom: I’m going to be 85 years old. No one should live that long. I should have died younger.

[Long pause on my end.]

Pam: How old would you have preferred to die?

Mom: In my 70s.

[I didn’t ask why. Sometimes you just have to let it go.]

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Mom: Old age is going to kill me.

Pam: It has that effect on most people.

[Really – what else was I supposed to say?]

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On living in an assisted living facility:

Mom: I hate it here. I’m surrounded by all these old people.

[Remember – Mom is 85.]

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Mom: I just watched the worst show I’ve ever seen on TV. It was so stupid – absolutely horrible. You have to watch it.

[I watched it and I’m sure I’ve permanently lost brain cells.]

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Mom: How are your dogs?

Pam: They’re great. I wish you could see them.

Mom: Well, that’s never going to happen.

Pam: I can bring pictures of them when I visit.

Mom: No. I don’t really care.

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My visit is coming up soon. With any luck, she’ll give me something to talk about.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

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