True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Merry Christmas!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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Terrible Surprise

Photo credit: NobleWorks Cards

‘Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the house

My mother was calling my poor dad a louse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

But the presents weren’t wrapped, some weren’t even there.

 

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

My parents were frazzled, too much in their heads.

Mamma was shopping online for more crap,

And daddy was holding a dog in his lap.

 

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

Dad sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.

Away to the window Mom flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

 

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When what to their wondering eyes should appear,

But raccoons in the garbage looking for beer.

 

With a little masked face, so lively and quick,

They knew in a moment it wasn’t St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his claws and hands came,

His throwing the garbage made my parents insane.

 

My mom shouted loudly “I’ve had it this Christmas.”

My dad yelled right back – “You’re much too ambitious.

Go online right this minute, we’ll buy gift cards for all.

They can buy what they want, we’ll skip lines at the mall!”

 

“You don’t think we’re cheating?” Mom asked as she bristled.

“I don’t think so at all” Dad proclaimed with dismissal.

Then I heard them exclaim as they turned out the lights.

Happy Christmas to us, it will all be alright!

Santa’s Favorite Reindeer

Photo credit: NobleWorks Cards

Our First Christmas With Max

We adopted Max the end of March, a beautiful four year old Italian Greyhound. He’s a southern boy from Kentucky and has not adapted well to the cold weather. Since he’s from the south, he’s never had to wear clothes to keep warm, so every time we dress him, he refuses to move. Therefore, it was relatively easy to get these pictures of Max dressed up for the holidays. Enjoy – I guarantee Max didn’t!

This is how Santa would look if he was an Italian Greyhound

With a beard…

Max is secure enough in his masculinity to don a Christmas tree outfit that looks like a dress

Don’t worry Max, we won’t ever mount your head.

A bunny sweater that looks suspiciously like a deer.

Santa’s little helper.

I would like to thank Max for his sacrifice. He was (and is) a good boy.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Visions of Sugar Plums

It took years for her therapist to get that vision out of Edna’s head

Photo credit: NobleWorks Cards

With Good Friday and Cyber Monday behind us, if you’re still looking for gifts, here are ten of my favorites. All are affordable at less than $30.

1. Game of Thrones Toilet Decal – the perfect addition to the porcelain throne.

GOT Toilet Decal (From ebay)

2. Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats – you can make your cat as happy as the one in the picture.

Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats (from Jet)

3. Cheesus Christ Cheese Grater – for those who celebrate the true meaning of Christmas.

Cheesus Christ Cheese Grater (From Amazon)

4. Personalized Face Luggage – never lose your suitcase again and scare small children in the process.

Personalized Face Luggage (From thisiswhyimbroke)

5. Hands-Free Umbrella – goofy looking but very practical. I would wear this.

Hands Free Umbrella (From Amazon)

6. Offensive Business Cards – perfect for awkward occasions.

Offensive Business Cards (From etsy)

7. Star Wars Light Switch Cover – for those who need help distinguishing between the Light and Dark sides.

Star Wars Light Switch Cover (From Amazon)

8. Middle Finger Mug – I’ve always liked finding a surprise design at the bottom of a cup or bowl but I’ve never had one give me the finger!

Middle Finger Mug (From thisiswhyimbroke)

9. Poop soap – for bathroom use only. Great for children and man babies.

Poop Soap (From shutupandtakemymoney)

10. The Official BS Button – useful any place, any time. The gift that keeps on giving.

Official BS Button (from Amazon)

As always, I hope these ideas will help you find the perfect gift for that hard-to-buy person on your list. Happy shopping!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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