True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Reminder Rights

I used to have a mind like a steel trap. Everything that went in stayed. I could consistently find information and pull it out. As I’ve gotten older, that steel trap has rusted, developing defects. The flaws keep expanding. Now when something goes in, there’s a good chance it will fall out or get caught in a rusty crevice, just out of reach.

In support of all people who experience this unfortunate side effect of aging, I’ve come up with our Reminder Rights. Feel free to give a copy of these rights to anyone who bugs you for forgetting.

  • I have the right to forget without being accused of not listening.
  • I have the right to forget without others becoming frustrated with me.
  • Anything I forget can and will be lost until and unless it’s found.
  • I have the right to lose my keys, glasses and other personal items.
  • I have the right to forget names, appointments and other memories I have held in the past.
  • If I cannot remember, others may remind or recall for me unless it gets on my nerves; at which point they must stop.
  • These are my rights to which I am entitled.
  • You must accept these rights as they have been explained to you.

What were we talking about?

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Note: Pendant available from cafepress

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Palm Sundae

Mm, mm good

The Offer

The other day at the grocery store, I overheard a woman talking to herself.

“Men, they can be so worthless. They’re no help at all.”

I started laughing, she looked at me and laughed, too. She pointed to a man standing alone at the end of the aisle and said:

“There he is. Do you want him?”

I looked over and he smiled and waved. Smiling back, I replied:

“He looks looks harmless.”

She said:

“He is – do you want him?”

I said:

“Does he do windows?”

When she shook her head no, I thanked her for the offer but said I would have to pass. We parted ways laughing. That wasn’t the kind of meat I went there for anyway.

In hindsight, I realized my mistake. I should have found out about his vacuuming skills. Lesson learned.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

St. Patrick’s Day Myth

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Image from NobleWorks Cards

Auditory Equity

I used to commute a couple of hours a day. To curb my frustration, I would yell at other drivers. I no longer have to travel long distances but I still curse at idiots on the road even if I’m not behind the wheel. Stephen usually drives and has grown accustomed to my impassioned exclamations, silently taking everything in stride, although it took a while for him to realize I wasn’t yelling at him.

Last week he surprised me. Before I could shriek my dissatisfaction, he looked through the driver’s side window and screamed “Move your d*mn *ss you f*cking b*stard!” Shocked, I looked at him and said “I’m impressed! Where did that come from?” He said he was trying to get his voice to echo off the window into his left ear. He thinks he’s losing hearing in his right and wants to even it out. Once I finished laughing, I softly told him he was a f*cking genius.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Stephen’s losing hearing in his right ear because of my vehicular vocalizations

 

The Missing Shoe

Yesterday was frustrating. I couldn’t find one of my slippers. I thought my 9 month old puppy, Audrey, had carried it off somewhere but it’s location eluded me.

Shortly after Stephen got home from work, I located the missing shoe. However, the orthotic insert was nowhere to be found. Thwarted once again, I threw my hands in the air and said “I give up.”  Following a detailed search by Stephen, I was still one orthotic short. A few minutes later, Stephen handed me the insert. It so happened that one of his feet had been hurting all day. Audrey routinely steals his shoes and inserts (which he also wears). When he found my insert that morning, he automatically put it in his shoe, not realizing one was already there.

Audrey has mastered her own version of “heel” all by herself. What a smart girl!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Audrey doing her morning yoga while Max pretends she isn’t there.

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