True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘aging’

Reminder Rights

I used to have a mind like a steel trap. Everything that went in stayed. I could consistently find information and pull it out. As I’ve gotten older, that steel trap has rusted, developing defects. The flaws keep expanding. Now when something goes in, there’s a good chance it will fall out or get caught in a rusty crevice, just out of reach.

In support of all people who experience this unfortunate side effect of aging, I’ve come up with our Reminder Rights. Feel free to give a copy of these rights to anyone who bugs you for forgetting.

  • I have the right to forget without being accused of not listening.
  • I have the right to forget without others becoming frustrated with me.
  • Anything I forget can and will be lost until and unless it’s found.
  • I have the right to lose my keys, glasses and other personal items.
  • I have the right to forget names, appointments and other memories I have held in the past.
  • If I cannot remember, others may remind or recall for me unless it gets on my nerves; at which point they must stop.
  • These are my rights to which I am entitled.
  • You must accept these rights as they have been explained to you.

What were we talking about?

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Note: Pendant available from cafepress

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You’re Going To Live Forever

Stephen’s dad used to be the administrator of a nursing home so Stephen grew up around the elderly, working various odd jobs amongst the old people. One day as we were discussing aging, he mentioned that mean people often lived longer than those who were nice.

Anger is an energizing emotion so perhaps it produces chemical changes in the body that spurs longevity. We both view ourselves as fairly laid back so we thought the odds of us living a long time might be reduced. Until a short time ago in a vehicle far, far away, the power of the dark side was revealed…

I’m noted for being a back seat driver. My dad once expressed surprise that Stephen was able to find his way to work without me in the car. Over the years, my backseat driving has devolved to include salty language spewed toward incompetent drivers. Since I can’t swear at home (no foul language around the fowl – aka parrot), I release my aggression in the car.

As Stephen was pulling into a small parking lot, the car in front of us stopped so the driver could talk on his phone. Rather than pulling into an empty parking space, he stopped in the middle of the drive. This is the conversation that followed.

Pam [SHOUTING]: What is that [bleeping] [bleep] think he’s doing? The [bleeping] parking lot is full of [bleeping] empty spaces! That [bleep] is taking up the whole [bleeping] road – what a [bleeping] [bleep]. [Bleeping] [bleep] should have his [bleeping] license revoked! [Bleep]!

Stephen, looking at me with all seriousness: You’re going to live forever.

May the farce be with you!

Your Immortal IFF,

Pam

This is my future

This is my future

Face It

The older I get, the more I wish for nanobots to smooth my skin, restore my vision, and de-gray my hair – among other things.

Until these little miracle robots are available to the public, we have to search for alternatives if we want to maintain a youthful appearance.

1. Bird Dropping Facial

For $180, you can have someone soak your face in bird poop. Droppings are collected from farm-raised Japanese nightingales (apparently U.S. birds don’t have “the touch”), dried into a powder, liquified with rice bran, then rubbed on your skin.

 2. The Snail Facial

For the low cost of $250, you can have snails slime their way across your face. If you’re not partial to live creatures dancing on your skin, a snail lotion is also available.

3. The Vampire Face-Lift

For $1000 – $3,000, a doctor draws your blood, treats it, and then injects it back into your face, lasting up to 15 months. I wonder if people who’ve had this procedure can go outside during the day.

4. Face Slapping

I got excited when I saw this one until I realized they were going to slap my face, not the other way around. In only 15-20 minutes, you can have the wrinkles slapped completely off your face. The cost is $350 per treatment and lasts several months. Face Slapping has probably risen in popularity following the release of 50 Shades of Grey.

5. Human Placenta Facial

At $1,000 a week, this is one of the most expensive procedures. It’s not clear where the placentas come from, but the treatment is guaranteed to make your face baby smooth.

6. Bee Venom Facial

The thought of getting stung to smooth skin doesn’t seem reasonable. Fortunately, that’s not what happens. Venom is extracted from the bees and then rubbed on your face. Apparently, milking bees is a rare and intricate skill because this treatment is the most expensive at $55,000.

Personally, I’m holding out for the nanobots and am more than willing to be in the test group.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Amy's willing to donate to the cause

Amy’s willing to donate to the cause

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