True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘Apocalypse’

IC You

Stephen is an award-winning scientist. Really – that’s him, with his award.

Stephen with his award

As you might imagine, I’m a strong proponent of science and was initially dismayed by news of government threats. Based on new information, I fear the government may be onto something. One of the current most popular apocalyptic theories suggests that zombies will end the world. But maybe, just maybe, the apocalypse will start within the very heart of science.

Being an award-winning scientist, Stephen works in a state of the art lab with top of the line equipment. One day he came home from work touting his new Ion Chromatograph Unit (ICU).

Ion Chromatograph Units (ICUs) – very smart machines

The ICU will take a sample and separate, identify and quantify the contents. What used to take hours of labor is now done in short order by a very smart machine. Stephen described it as magic – and that’s what set off my suspicions. What’s to say the ICU can’t combine or create things, especially since there’s two of them hooked up to the same computer. I just know they’re plotting. Any machine that can perform magic, like the ICU, is certainly capable of more sinister acts. I suspect Stephen’s new machine was behind WannaCry – last week’s computer hacks. Sure, North Korea got the blame, but who’s to say the ICU – which is hooked up to a computer – couldn’t generate and disseminate the virus AND blame it on another country. Heck, if it can create a computer virus, why not a human virus, too?

After working with the ICU for a few weeks, Stephen looked like this.

Stephen looked like this after working with his ICU

Maybe science created zombies, too.

Shh… Put your ear to your computer. I think I hear Stephen’s machine whispering “I see you!”

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

World To End In Billions Of Years

“It’s bad news.”

Unfortunate words to be uttered by a respected theoretical physicist but this is exactly what Dr. Joseph Lykken said to reporters in Boston when discussing the fate of the universe.

Sure, we’ve heard it before. Reverend Harold Camping wrongly predicted the end of the world, as did the Mayans. But how can we ignore a renowned scientist?

Lykken declared the universe to be unstable:

“At some point billions of years from now it’s all going to get wiped out; tens of billions of years from now, there’ll be a catastrophe.”

Apparently, an alternate universe is going to expand and wipe us out in the blink of an eye.

When I heard this, I was shocked. I couldn’t believe how differently we define unstable. I consider a few billion years to be quite secure.

In the long run, it’s a moot point anyway.

Earth’s predicted to be long gone before the universe collapses. The sun’s expected to burn out in 4.5 billion years, expanding and engulfing earth in the process. Whew – what a relief!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

In 4.5 billion years, we could end up like the dinosaurs!

In 4.5 billion years, we could end up like the dinosaurs!

Giving Thanks

One of my friends asked me on Facebook to participate in a Gratitude Challenge. For five days you were to list three things you were grateful for. I normally don’t engage in these activities, but this time I decided to play. When you see my list, you’ll understand why.

Day 1

I’m grateful that:

  1. My Facebook friends have a sense of humor
  2. I can change the rules – I’ve decided to list 5 things for 3 days instead of 3 things for 5 days
  3. I haven’t been abducted by aliens in a while (that I know of)
  4. My alien implant appears to be inactive (may be related to #3)
  5. My house hasn’t been destroyed by an asteroid

Day 2

I’m grateful that:

  1. I haven’t been in a sharknado…yet
  2. There’s no such thing as a catnado…yet
  3. My car hasn’t disappeared into a sinkhole…yet
  4. I haven’t had to use my Zombie Survival Guide…yet
  5. The earth hasn’t been destroyed by a giant spider apocalypse…yet

Day 3

I’m grateful that:

  1. I haven’t been bitten by a vampire
  2. Time travel hasn’t made me cynical
  3. I haven’t woken up covered in slugs
  4. The voices in my head only scare me a little
  5. This may be The Matrix and none of it is real

I’m also grateful that you took the time to read my blog.

Happy Thanksgiving!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

This is how I imagine my own sharknado

This is how I imagine my own sharknado

Secure Your Future With AI

Are you tired of worrying about the end of the world? Do you wonder what apocalypse is lurking around the next corner?

According to Norse mythology, on February 22, Ragnarok (the Viking apocalypse), will occur when the god Odin is killed. If you’re not a Viking don’t think you can relax. It affects everybody.

Reverend John Hagee of the Cornerstone Church agrees that 2014 will be the year. He doesn’t talk about the whole Odin thing. Instead, he claims that four blood moons throughout 2014 represent prophecies signaling the end of the world.

Obviously it’s time to stop losing sleep over apocalyptic predictions that are out of your control. I have the perfect solution – Apocalypse Insurance (AI). (Come on – do you think this would work with real intelligence?)

For the low price of $30 a month you can qualify for AI and rest assured that if there’s an apocalypse, your family will be taken care of. That’s less than a dollar a day. Isn’t your family worth it? Aren’t you worth it?

The beauty of AI is that it doesn’t matter if you’re rich or have 10 kids. The apocalypse won’t discriminate based on prosperity or family size, and neither will I.

If the apocalypse doesn’t happen? Don’t worry. You won’t have to go through the hassle of requalifying all over again.  As long as you make your monthly payments your AI will remain in full force.

Stop worrying about the next apocalypse. AI will keep track of them for you and I’ll probably make fun of them in this blog.

Rest easy from this point forward. Buy your AI today before it’s too late.

Remember the next apocalypse is right around the corner! Will you be ready?

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Has the Apocalypse already happened?

Has the Apocalypse already happened?

Zombie Ghosts

Atchison, Kansas made the news recently as the place to be during an apocalypse.

Robert Vicino, whose company builds survival shelters, purchased 45 acres of a former Army storage bunker and plans to develop it as a harbor for the end of the world.

The facility lies within a complex of limestone caves located 100 – 150 feet below ground. The area is supported by limestone pillars and, once blast doors are added, will be able to withstand a one-megaton nuclear explosion.

With space enough to house 1,000 RVs and 5,000 people, the purchase price will be $1,000 per linear foot. Additional charges include $1,500 per person for food. It isn’t cheap. The total cost would be $36,000 for a family of four living in a 30-foot RV.

While this all sounds great, reports failed to emphasize that Atchison is haunted. In fact, it’s one of the most haunted areas of the United States. Any family who’s considering purchasing a space should think long and hard before forking over 36 grand.

Let’s say zombies cause the apocalypse. Dead by definition, they’ve already been separated from their souls.

Zombies might not be able to get to the underground bunker, but their spirits will.

What better place for zombie ghosts to haunt the living than beneath the most haunted city in America?

Fortunately, incorporeal estate laws should require full disclosure.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF and Psy-Ficologist,

Pam

Paved roadways lead the way to the Vivos Shelter and Resort during a tour of the facility in Atchison, Kan., Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Haunted Apocalypse Shelter (AP Photo/Orlin Wagner)

Zinger!! The Mayans Were Right

I’ll admit it, I’m glad the world didn’t end on Friday. A lot of people were convinced that it was going to happen because the Mayans came across as extremely credible. They were brilliant astronomers and mathematicians; why were they so wrong about the end of the world?

It could have been anything. Maybe the astronomer responsible for creating December 21 and beyond called in sick because he was hungover from drinking  too much at the sacrifice the night before. Maybe he had to stay home to care for little Chac or Eme who came down with the flu. Perhaps it was nothing more than a practical joke.

If Mayan society was as sophisticated as ours, the explanation could mirror current events. Perhaps the astronomers were unionized and their contract was about to expire. They couldn’t reach an agreement so their company had to liquidate.

Think about it. Who would ever have guessed that a company like Hostess, producing an iconic product like Twinkies, would cease to exist? When I woke up on December 22 to find the world intact, I initially thought we could be in an alternate reality. I knew we weren’t when I saw that Twinkies were still endangered, soon to be extinct.

I found it disturbing to conceive a world without Twinkies and that’s when I realized the Mayans were right, we just misunderstood. A world without Twinkies is no world at all.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

xxxx

Proof the Mayans were right about the end of the world (Screenshot from Ebay)

Bonus: Ode to The Twinkie

(To be sung to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star)

Twinkie, Twinkie, fallen cake

More of you I wish they’d make

Listed all across Ebay

Asking more than most could pay

Sorry that you had to cease

Twinkie, Twinkie, Rest in Peace

Apocalypso

I’ve been watching a lot of science fiction lately and it got me thinking about what it would be like to live in a post-apocalyptic world. I’m sure sci-fi has that effect on a lot of people, so I thought it would be fun to share my thoughts with you. Maybe we can compare notes.

Being the diligent researcher that I am, I didn’t want to rely solely on Hollywood’s view of post-apocalysm. I went to my trusty “friend” the internet and found an “official” definition on Wikipedia that is paraphrased below.

A post-apocalyptic world depicts the end of civilization due to one or more catastrophic events.

When I read this, I tried to think of what such a world might look like and found that it was easy to imagine.

In my vision, I saw a place with an unstable economy; and not just in the United States but across the entire planet. The stock market would be manic-depressive spiking high and dipping low. There would also be a shortage of jobs and a downturn in the housing market. Similar to today but worse.

The planet would be plagued with strange occurrences. Things weirder than sink holes under beds in Guatemala, 5,000 birds falling from the sky in Arkansas, hundreds of dead fish in Texas, zombie ants that kill themselves at high noon in Thailand, or a bugnado (tornado of bugs) caught on tape in Iowa.

Bugnado: Swarming Bug (Apo-Calypso?) Dance (Photo by extreminstability.com)

This world would also be inundated with strange and extreme weather phenomena. Things much weirder and more severe than haboobs (sandstorms) in Arizona and Texas or mile-wide tornados that stay on the ground destroying everything in their path. There would also be frequent and extreme occurrences of hurricanes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and earthquakes.

In my imagination, a post-apocalyptic world would be wrought with such things as bad entertainment in an effort to distract people from their reality. Ironically, they would come in the form of “reality” TV and wouldn’t really make people forget. However, such shows might serve another purpose: to distract viewers so they would never even become aware that the apocalypse had already taken place.

The Onion claims that the apocalypse has already occurred. According to their report, it happened on April 3, 2008 (they didn’t say what time). Personally, I think if it had happened we would have heard or felt some kind of explosion. In my humble opinion, we’re safe for at least a little while.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF and Psy-ficologist,

Pam

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