True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘Diana’

Conversations Out of Context

My sister, Diana, and I had the great fortune of spending two weeks together. Although we’re separated by 900 miles, we always have fun when we’re united. To provide a taste of what we’re like when we’re with one another, I’ve taken our most memorable conversations out of context.

1. The Seatbelt

Going for a ride in our sidecar motorcycle:

Diana: Where’s the seatbelt?

Me: It’s a motorcycle – there aren’t any seatbelts. That’s why you’re wearing a helmet.

2. The Driver

As I’m driving:

Diana: Why are your arms straight?

Me: So I can reach the steering wheel. It’s important to vehicular safety to hold the steering wheel when you drive.

3. The Refrigerator

Standing in the kitchen:

Diana: Do you have a refrigerator?

Me: Yes, it’s that big box you’re leaning against.

4. My Visit

After I arrived at her house:

Diana: Does Stephen know you’re here?

Me: Yes. He drove me to the airport.

Diana might say this is all

However, I assure you, to the best of my memory, the quotes are accurate. If Diana was telling the story, she might present

But this is my story and I’m sticking to it.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Just Turn It

My friend’s daughter decided to take up painting. To encourage her new endeavor, she gave her daughter several blank canvasses. A few weeks later, my friend noticed the canvasses were blank. When she asked about it, her daughter said they were portrait and she wanted landscape.

From portrait to landscape! It’s a miracle!

Although a true story, I found this tale hard to believe until something similar happened in my own family. Looking for a present for my mom, I found a picture of a zebra.

Zebra with a head

Unfortunately, the picture was too large to ship, so I texted a photo of it to Diana, my sister, to see if she could find the same item locally. My mom and Diana live in the same town so shipment is not an issue. Shortly after sending the text, I got a message from Diana saying she couldn’t find an exact match but she found a zebra picture without a head. This is what she sent.

Zebra without a head

A few minutes later, she texted again and said she was looking at it upside down. I’ll admit I made the same mistake, but it was a tiny image on my phone. Therefore, I place all responsibility with Diana.

Remember this. Everyone should get at least one turn.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Retirement

After teaching second grade for 44 years, Diana, my sister is retiring. Even though she wants to retire, it’s difficult for her to leave her kids. In looking for a retirement card, I didn’t want something sentimental to make her cry, I wanted to make her laugh. After an extensive search, I found an irreverent online card retailer: nobleworkscards.com where I found the perfect card.

It made her laugh

Funny enough, she had recently encountered a situation similar to the card where a little kid wanted his damn whatever. Diana’s had many stories over the years. Another that struck a cord with me was when one student tattled on another saying he gave her the finger. When Diana investigated, the offender said his action was okay because he used his ring finger instead of his middle finger. A perfect example of the experiences she’s going to miss when school starts next fall.

Retirement is an exciting (although sometimes distressing) transition representing a new chapter in life. The card I gave Diana was blank inside. My message read: “Happy Retirement – don’t fuck it up.” That goes for all of us – enjoy every day. Embrace each new adventure.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Minot, ND Airport

Traveling home from Minot, North Dakota, my sister and I were both happy to be going through the new airport. Open for only a few months, it still smelled new. With six gates instead of the old airport’s two, my sister described it as a “real airport”.

When we arrived, we were the first in line but unfortunately the ticket agent wasn’t there. We had to wait 30 minutes before they were available to check my sister’s bag.

Long lines to check bags

Long lines to check bags

With that behind us, we headed up to security. Once again we were first in line and once again, they were closed – not opening for another 15 minutes.

Woo-hoo! First in line at security!

Woo-hoo! First in line at security!

Either a lot of people arrive too early or the lines get long, because the local pub will deliver spirits while you wait.

Notice the fine print

Notice the fine print

Of course the Tap House was closed when we were there.

As we were standing around chatting with the four other passengers, I noticed a sign that listed how to expedite getting through security. Unfortunately, it was too far away to read. I doubt it would have made a difference, anyway.

Helpful instructions are more helpful if you can read them

Helpful instructions are more helpful if you can read them

When the gates finally opened, Diana and I proudly headed through the pre-check line – this time first to be screened. By then, there was a huge crowd – at least 10 passengers. As luck would have it, Diana was selected for additional screening. I just can’t take her anywhere.

Finally on the other side, waiting for our flight, I noticed footprints to line yourself up for a selfie.

This beckoned me

This beckoned me

Sensing this must be a scenic spot, I complied.

Notice the scenic background

Notice the scenic background

In spite of our multiple delays, the airport was a positive experience. If you’re looking for stress-free travel, I highly recommend the new Minot airport.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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