Are you tired of worrying about the end of the world? Do you wonder what apocalypse is lurking around the next corner?
According to Norse mythology, on February 22, Ragnarok (the Viking apocalypse), will occur when the god Odin is killed. If you’re not a Viking don’t think you can relax. It affects everybody.
Reverend John Hagee of the Cornerstone Church agrees that 2014 will be the year. He doesn’t talk about the whole Odin thing. Instead, he claims that four blood moons throughout 2014 represent prophecies signaling the end of the world.
Obviously it’s time to stop losing sleep over apocalyptic predictions that are out of your control. I have the perfect solution – Apocalypse Insurance (AI). (Come on – do you think this would work with real intelligence?)
For the low price of $30 a month you can qualify for AI and rest assured that if there’s an apocalypse, your family will be taken care of. That’s less than a dollar a day. Isn’t your family worth it? Aren’t you worth it?
The beauty of AI is that it doesn’t matter if you’re rich or have 10 kids. The apocalypse won’t discriminate based on prosperity or family size, and neither will I.
If the apocalypse doesn’t happen? Don’t worry. You won’t have to go through the hassle of requalifying all over again. As long as you make your monthly payments your AI will remain in full force.
Stop worrying about the next apocalypse. AI will keep track of them for you and I’ll probably make fun of them in this blog.
Rest easy from this point forward. Buy your AI today before it’s too late.
Remember the next apocalypse is right around the corner! Will you be ready?
Atchison, Kansas made the news recently as the place to be during an apocalypse.
Robert Vicino, whose company builds survival shelters, purchased 45 acres of a former Army storage bunker and plans to develop it as a harbor for the end of the world.
The facility lies within a complex of limestone caves located 100 – 150 feet below ground. The area is supported by limestone pillars and, once blast doors are added, will be able to withstand a one-megaton nuclear explosion.
With space enough to house 1,000 RVs and 5,000 people, the purchase price will be $1,000 per linear foot. Additional charges include $1,500 per person for food. It isn’t cheap. The total cost would be $36,000 for a family of four living in a 30-foot RV.
While this all sounds great, reports failed to emphasize that Atchison is haunted. In fact, it’s one of the most haunted areas of the United States. Any family who’s considering purchasing a space should think long and hard before forking over 36 grand.
Let’s say zombies cause the apocalypse. Dead by definition, they’ve already been separated from their souls.
Zombies might not be able to get to the underground bunker, but their spirits will.
What better place for zombie ghosts to haunt the living than beneath the most haunted city in America?
Fortunately, incorporeal estate laws should require full disclosure.
May the farce be with you!
Your IFF and Psy-Ficologist,
Haunted Apocalypse Shelter (AP Photo/Orlin Wagner)
Most people prepare for things. Some plan out every aspect of their lives whereas others simply make sure they have enough toilet paper. A subset of the population, called Preppers, is preparing for doomsday. It doesn’t matter how the world will end – sink holes, asteroids or Zombies – Preppers will be ready.
I wouldn’t call Stephen a Prepper, but he has been primed for disaster. Remember before Y2K when the world was going to end? Stephen was ready. He stockpiled flashlights, food, water and other sundries. I think we still have jugs of water in the basement.
After 9/11 there was talk about the possibility of an airborne biological weapon. For months our bathtub was filled with food, jugs of water, sheets of plastic, duct tape and a microwave. (Note: Microwaves are just as dangerous to bathe with as toasters and hair dryers, so don’t try this at home.) I know you’re probably thinking that we must have been very dirty during that time but we have a separate shower so it was okay.
The latest tool to help prepare for disaster uses a Faraday cage – an enclosure constructed of material that blocks external static and electromagnetic radiation. Let’s say outer space aliens intended to destroy Earth using an electromagnetic pulse (EMP), a Faraday cage would stop any electronic devices under its protection from being destroyed.
One of our friends decided to build his own Faraday cage to protect his phone. He didn’t necessarily think the world was going to end but wanted to be ready just in case. When we asked who he was going to call in the event the Faraday cage was needed since everyone else’s phone would stop working, he didn’t have a ready answer. Guess he wasn’t as prepared as he thought!
With any luck the world will be destroyed by Zombies who are unlikely to have EMP capabilities.
May the farce be with you!
I appreciate the security but the Faraday cage makes it hard to work
Chicago’s O’hare Airport recently announced their new Sweet Beginnings program in which 33 beehives are housed on airport property. This is the first conservation program of its kind in the U.S. but apiaries, as they’re called, have been housed at German airports for the past ten years. The award-winning program is considered “green” and provides jobs for ex-offenders (don’t swear in the terminal?) and the products (i.e., honey and natural honey-based personal care products) are sold in the airport.
Normally I would applaud a program like Sweet Beginnings, but when I heard of it, all I could think of were Apocalyptic Endings. I fear the program could have a potentially catastrophic effect on our environment, ending life as we know it. This may be exactly what the Mayans saw when they predicted the end of the world on December 21, 2012.
I know that programs like this have been around for a while, but this is the first time it has been tried at O’Hare (or O’Hara as my dad likes to say). Chicago is unique – there’s no doubt about it. Even though it’s called the windy city because of politicians, there’s a lot of actual wind, too. Which leads to my concerns.
Picture this. The bees gently pollinate the flowers planted on O’Hare field. Day in and day out they go to their hives and make honey. Workers collect the honey that is then packaged and sold at O’Hare. Travelers purchase and deliver it to their family and friends all over the world. Sounds idyllic – Sweet Beginnings.
Wouldn't it be cool if this was a honey bee?
Now let’s turn to what happens next. Over time the wind blows jet fuel fumes (and maybe even de-icing spray) in the direction of the bees. Unbeknownst to all, the bees start to mutate which in turn causes the honey to mutate.
At first, people get sick but no one connects it to the honey. Then people start to mutate – all over the world. The only thread they have in common is O’Hare, more specifically O’Hare’s Sweet Beginnings Honey products.
By the time the CDC figures out what’s going on, it’s too late. The damage is done. Just before the stroke of midnight on December 20, 2012 the last purely genetic homo sapien takes his last breath marking the beginning of the next stage in the evolutionary process.
This is why I’m not a fan of the program.
May the farce be with you!
Your IFF and Psy-ficologist,
What do you think of Sweet Beginnings? Make your preference known by answering the poll below.
By now you have probably heard that the world didn’t end, at least not yet. California preacher Harold Camping had announced that the world would be destroyed on Saturday, May 21st, basing his prophesy on “precise” mathematical calculations. When Saturday came and went without incident, he admitted his error and revised the date to October 21, 2011. His credibility might be somewhat in question since this isn’t the first time Reverend Camping has been wrong, originally predicting the apocalypse would occur in 1994.
Although this was a colossal debacle (hey, that rhymes!), I have to admire Rev. Camping for boldly declaring his beliefs. He said with certainty the events that were to occur and the date on which they would come to pass in spite of prior mistakes and the Bible’s declaration that no one knows the date or time. His confidence was so great that many of his followers relinquished their personal possessions because they expected to be taken to heaven on May 21st.
Kind of like Star Trek, the lesson I see here is to boldly go where no one has gone before or more simply put, to move forward with something you believe in regardless of the forces that may be at play.
With that theme in mind, I am pleased to report that I have tested the waters by sending query letters to a few literary agents. I’m not totally like Rev. Camping because I am going to take a more guarded (and less public) approach. Another friend has offered to read my manuscript and I may hire an editor before putting myself out there again.
Once I do go back to submitting my work, I don’t think rejections will stop me from moving forward. I’ve read that the authors of Chicken Soup for the Soul received 123 rejections before their first book found a home and the author of The Help received 60 rejections. Her book is coming out as a movie. Even Rev. Camping isn’t giving up, having declared his next apocalyptic prediction in spite of prior public gross miscalculations.
I am practical though. To augment my income while pursuing a career as a successful author, I have come up with a new entrepreneurial enterprise that I think could prove to be quite profitable. I have decided to offer to care for the personal belongings (for a reasonable fee) of those who plan to leave this earth during the rapture on October 21st. In order to secure a spot in this limited-time offer, a non-refundable deposit will be required no later than October 20th. Hurry before it’s too late!