True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘farce’

Solar Eclipse Survival Guide

On August 21 a giant invisible serpent will slowly devour and regurgitate the sun.

The air will become electric and animals will howl, including those with fur and four legs.

During the brief moments of this wondrous event, horrors of untold magnitude will unfold. Although I know nothing about these abominations (because they are untold), that won’t stop me from providing information needed to survive these monstrosities, while still enjoying the eclipse.

It’s common during a solar eclipse for large groups of people to gather. Because everyone’s attention is turned to the sky, the most obvious dangers will come from the ground. To ensure your survival, you will need to bring the following items:

  • garlic
  • wooden stake
  • silver forks (not stainless steel)
  • tin foil hat
  • head phones or ear plugs

The most prevalent threat will be vampires.

Normally limited to nighttime activities, there will be enough ultraviolet restriction during even a partial eclipse that vampires will venture out for a daytime snack. Although they are the fastest and most ubiquitous threat, they are also the easiest to guard against. Wear garlic around your neck to keep them at bay. As an added precaution, keep your wooden stake handy. Should they unexpectedly attack, simply thrust the stake through their heart.

The second menace will come from the lycanthrope family, aka werewolves.

One might normally think werewolves wouldn’t surface since solar eclipses only happen during a new moon and werewolves exist only during full moons. However, the moon’s silhouette appears full during the eclipse stimulating the lycanthropic switch. Because wolves are pack animals, your best and easiest measure of protection is to move to the center of the crowd as werewolves will attack outliers first. If they do approach, threaten them with your silver fork as a signal to choose an easier target.

Solar eclipses are beacons for alien attacks. Don a tin foil hat to prevent aliens from controlling your mind. They rarely make physical appearances during an eclipse because attention is focused on the celestial display and they don’t like to share the spotlight. You can be confident the hat will provide sufficient protection.

Finally, the most frightening threat of all – politicians.

Fortunately they will be locked out of congress during the eclipse. However, in case you see them in the crowd, have your head phones or ear plugs ready to protect yourself from their rhetoric.

By following this simple guide, you will live to tell family and friends about your experience. Additionally, you will give others something to laugh about.

Safe viewing and may the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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The Refrigerator

Last week our refrigerator died. This is how I felt when the one kitchen appliance I knew how to operate became nonfunctional.

Woe is me

My sister said it was my fault the fridge died, that I killed it with magnets.

Okay, maybe there are too many magnets.

Sadly, I proved her wrong because when I removed the magnets, the fridge still didn’t work.

Still dead

The importance of a refrigerator became crystal clear once we no longer had one. Doing a little online research, I found the most expensive fridge on the market and knew if I had over $40K burning a hole in my pocket and had space to spare, I would probably use that money to buy something else.

Meneghnini La Cambus priced at only $41,500

We went for a more basic model that only keeps food cold and frozen – I know how to operate it.

Don’t I look happy with my new fridge?

If I were planning to spend an exorbitant sum on a kitchen appliance such as a fridge, I would want it to do much more than simply hold food. I’ve given this a lot of thought and have started saving money for a new genius fridge that hasn’t been invented yet. Not only will it keep food cold, it will control a robot that will drive a car, shop, cook, set the table and clean up after every meal.

Now this would be a fridge I couldn’t do without. I’d just have to make sure the robot could teach me how to use it.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

The Man Bun

Upscale burger joints now offer the man bun

Upscale burger joints now offer the man bun

American Eagle

American Ego

Heavily protected, the American Ego is not on the endangered list.

The Man Cold

Last week, Stephen was home sick for several days. He spent the majority of his time unconscious – asleep in bed – so he was very low maintenance. Fortunately for me, he had the flu and not a cold. In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, the video below illustrates my concerns perfectly.

Warning: This video contains graphic information and is thus intended for mature audiences only. Viewer discretion is advised.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

How farce will people go?

Trump will pay for wall ‘in one form or another’

Trump will pay for the wall ‘in one form or another’. He may even write a check when it’s said and done.*

*I wrote the caption myself. Any similarity to words spoken by Donald Trump or others is purely coincidental.

Credits: Photo taken outside the Republican National Convention by Nathaniel Welch/REDUX

The Dawn of Curiosity

I love the pictures NASA has been sharing since launching the Rover Curiosity to Mars and Dawn Spacecraft to the dwarf planet Ceres.

Being transported to other worlds fuels the thirst for information about the big question of whether we are alone in the universe.

The most famous “alien” sighting took place in Roswell, New Mexico. Of course the supposed space ship was later debunked as being a simple weather balloon.

Sightings of mysterious lights in the sky have also been exposed as flares, reflections or experimental aircraft.

Given our history, it’s no surprise that the latest findings on Mars and Ceres are reigniting our wonder of what – or who – is out there.

Take a look at recent NASA photos.

Pyramid on Mars

Pyramid on Mars

The Mars pyramid is estimated to be the size of a car. Some people wonder whether more of the structure is buried under the dirt.

Pyramid on Ceres

Pyramid on Ceres

The Ceres pyramid is thought to be three miles high. We’ll know more when Dawn get’s closer to the planet.

The current theory is that both off-world pyramids were created by wind.

My friend Vivian visited Egypt and she’s adamant that Earth pyramids were not formed by wind (or aliens).

Pyramid on Earth

Pyramid on Earth

As if the pyramids weren’t enough to get our neurons sparking, scientists have been puzzling over a series of unexplained lights in a crater on Ceres.

Bright spots on Ceres

Bright spots on Ceres

Of course they aren’t from a city or spaceship, that explanation is just too far fetched. The thought is they may be from reflective ice or salt.

I suspect they’re reflections from weather balloons that measured the force of the wind that created that perfectly formed pyramid. What do you think?

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF and Psy-Ficologist,

Pam

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