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Posts tagged ‘kitchen’

Why I Don’t Cook

This past week I decided to make my own lunch on the big fire box in the kitchen (some call it a stove) – using individual ingredients as opposed to a prepackaged dinner heated in the microwave. I’m not a cook, never have been and rarely use any of the strange appliances in the kitchen because I don’t want to destroy anything. Years ago I started a fire on the stove when I tried to boil oil – an experience I hope to never repeat.

In addition to my fear of fires and explosions, I don’t like to cook because recipes are difficult for me to follow. In need of a simple and easy recipe, I chose to make a grilled cheese sandwich. The recipe called for cream cheese, mustard and shredded cheese. Well, and bread – you needed that, too.

In following the instructions, I got stuck. I couldn’t understand what I was supposed to do. Here was the problem (the recipe was for four servings).

In a small bowl, combine cream cheese and mustard; spread about 1 TBSP cream cheese mixture on one side of each piece of bread. Top 4 slices of bread with 3 TBSP cheese each; cover remaining bread slices, cream cheese side down.

I had several problems with these instructions. First, I didn’t know which pieces of bread were the top four. Frankly, I wasn’t sure why that was important but thought it must be since they were specifically listed.  Second, was the 3 TBSP of cheese – shredded or cream mixture? Since the cream cheese was already listed, it stood to reason the second reference was for the shredded variety. Third, it said to cover the remaining bread slices – with what? And how could I tell which were remaining when I didn’t know which were the top 4? Finally, why cream cheese down? Wouldn’t it be hard to cook with the cream cheese directly on the pan? It didn’t make any sense at all.

Of course I figured it out and made the sandwich correctly but the instructions could have been much clearer. This is the perfect example of why I hate to cook.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,




Green Eggs and Green Ham

I recently traveled to visit my friend, Vivian, to help her organize some things in her house.

I volunteered to go through the kitchen because it was a big job (nearly a whole day) and I could do the work without supervision, freeing Vivian to pursue other endeavors.

Before - when the cupboards were full

Before – when the cupboards were full

As I was sorting through the cupboards, I threw out expired items. I think most people find such items periodically, but for Vivian almost everything had to be tossed.

Once finished, I showed Vivian my handiwork so she could see that most items would have to be replaced.

There's almost nothing left

There’s almost nothing left

A few weeks later when we were talking, Vivian told me that she had come down with a severe stomach flu. She went into her kitchen looking for chicken soup, hoping the mild liquid would make her feel better. To her chagrin, her cupboards were bare.

She concluded it was my fault that she couldn’t find anything to eat because I threw everything away.

I reminded her that I only tossed expired items – that she was lucky. If it hadn’t been for me, she would have eaten bad soup that would have exacerbated her already distressed gut. She didn’t sound convinced.

Now that I think about it, maybe it wasn’t an accident when she almost ran over me with her car on one of our trips to the dumpster with the expired food.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Fractured Cliché #53

I’m domestically challenged. I’ve admitted this before and although I’m not proud, the fact remains.

Sometimes my friends forget the extent of my, um, disability. They’ll ask me to help with “little” things in the kitchen. With my limitations, nothing is little. The beauty is that I’m always only asked once.

One of my most memorable blunders occurred when I was asked to slice tomatoes. For the average person, this might sound relatively easy. However, for me there’s a lot to consider. A tomato is round with no obvious up or down side. Therefore, when slicing a tomato, it’s not clear where to start.

Well, I sliced the tomato wrong. The person who asked me to complete this task, with full knowledge of my incompetence, couldn’t understand how I could mess up something so simple.

I’ll tell you how. There were no instructions. In the kitchen instructions are rarely detailed enough for me. That’s why I should never be asked to assist with cooking or food preparation of any kind.

Although today’s blunder isn’t technically a cliché, the sentiment still applies.

Fractured Phrase: Beefcake Tomato

Fractured Phrase: Beefsteak Tomato

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Beefcake Tomato

Beefcake Tomato

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