True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘Mom’

Things My Mom Said

Spending a week with my 86 year old mother is always a trip – both in terms of distance and experience. She never disappoints with her quips and this year the slights fell on the mild side.

On make-up:

Mom: Have you ever thought about wearing eyeliner?

Pam: You mean like I’m wearing now?

Mom: How about eyeshadow – I think you would look good in eyeshadow.

Pam: I’m wearing eyeshadow.

I plan to really doll myself up next year

On boobs:

Mom: I think we should all (my sister included) get breast implants.

Pam: My boobs are already big – I don’t need implants.

Mom: You should get breast reduction surgery.

Pam: I don’t think I’m big enough for insurance to pay for it. Besides, I don’t want to go through any unnecessary surgery.

Mom: You would look better with smaller breasts.

Pam: How small do you think my breasts should be?

Mom: Get little nubbins – I think that would look good.

This year it was my face and boobs, last year it was my hair. I can’t wait to see what she says next year – we’re obviously working our way down my body.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Second image from greetingcarduniverse dot com

Do a Little Dance, Push a Little Chair, Have Fun Tonight

I spent last week visiting my family. When we take my mom out, I always push her wheelchair to give my sister a break. To make the experience fun, I push the chair to my own beat – which usually matches the music in the store. Unbeknownst to me, Diana captured a snippet on tape.

When she saw the video, Mom got a kick seeing what’s been going on behind her back all these years.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Pothead

I think my mom is trying to get me arrested. Last week we had an argument over the phone regarding my refusal to buy pot illegally.

It all started with a segment on the TV show The Doctors that focused on the benefits of pot for migraine sufferers. Mom told me about the episode and made me promise to talk to my doctor about it. When I spoke to him, he explained that since pot is illegal at the federal level, researchers are unable to conduct clinical trials, therefore, the evidence that pot helps migraines is anecdotal. However, does he think it could help? Yes, he does. The problem? Although medical marijuana is legal in Illinois, migraine headaches are not on the approved list so he’s unable to prescribe it.

When Mom heard this, she was outraged.

Mom: You mean there’s something your doctor could give you that might help your headaches and he won’t do it?!?

Pam: It’s not that he won’t do it, he can’t. Migraines don’t qualify as a pot-eligible medical condition. It would be illegal for him to prescribe it to me.

Mom: Well then go get it yourself. Forget about a prescription.

Pam: I can’t get it from a dispensary without a prescription and recreational marijuana is illegal in Illinois. If I bought it, I could get arrested.

Mom: Then go to Colorado and buy it. It’s legal there.

Pam: I could certainly buy pot in Colorado but I could get arrested as soon as I brought it into Illinois.

The conversation continued like this until Mom finally gave up. I think she ran out of ways to trick me into getting arrested.

Touché, Mom!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Pothead

Visit With My Mom

I just wrapped up my annual trek to see my mother. Following are a few highlights from the trip.

Sitting across the table from Mom at the mall food court, she looked at me and said “Have you ever considered curling your hair?” I looked at Diana, my sister, who was sitting next to me and burst out laughing. My hair is naturally curly.

Confused by my reaction, Mom clarified her question “I mean with curlers.” I replied “You mean, so it looks nice?” To make sure there was no misunderstanding, I turned to Diana and said “Mom doesn’t like my hair. She thinks I should fix it so it looks nice.”

While at the mall, we took Mom to a dressing room so she could try on clothes. We helped her out of her wheelchair to make changing easier. The space was tight, so I sat in the wheelchair. When it was time to leave, my feet got tangled in the foot rests which resulted in a slow motion fall. I bounced off every surface of the dressing room – like a lottery ball.

When the ricocheting stopped, I slowly slid onto the floor. As I sat cowering in a corner, a store clerk asked if we were all right. Staggering out of the dressing room behind Diana and Mom, the clerk anxiously asked if Mom was okay. Bleeding profusely from my elbow and colored by what would eventually turn into 11 bruises on my arms and legs, I explained that Mom was fine but I fell. Breathing a sigh of relief, the clerk exclaimed how happy she was that Mom didn’t get hurt. Limping away, I was tempted to tell her how to remove my blood stains from the carpet but kept my mouth shut because I felt slightly resentful about the lack of attention I was receiving.

At the end of our outing, we returned to Mom’s apartment whereupon she brought up her obituary. She emphatically stated that she wanted nothing more than a death notice. She gave me an evil eye and told me she would come back and haunt me if I wrote anything else. I told her I would take that as a personal challenge. I’m definitely going to be haunted.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Awkward Things My Mom Said

I’m going to visit my mom to celebrate her 85th birthday. She lives 900 miles away and I only see her once a year, however, we talk on the phone several times per week. Here’s an account of some of our most recent awkward conversations.

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Mom: I’m going to be 85 years old. No one should live that long. I should have died younger.

[Long pause on my end.]

Pam: How old would you have preferred to die?

Mom: In my 70s.

[I didn’t ask why. Sometimes you just have to let it go.]

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Mom: Old age is going to kill me.

Pam: It has that effect on most people.

[Really – what else was I supposed to say?]

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On living in an assisted living facility:

Mom: I hate it here. I’m surrounded by all these old people.

[Remember – Mom is 85.]

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Mom: I just watched the worst show I’ve ever seen on TV. It was so stupid – absolutely horrible. You have to watch it.

[I watched it and I’m sure I’ve permanently lost brain cells.]

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Mom: How are your dogs?

Pam: They’re great. I wish you could see them.

Mom: Well, that’s never going to happen.

Pam: I can bring pictures of them when I visit.

Mom: No. I don’t really care.

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My visit is coming up soon. With any luck, she’ll give me something to talk about.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Best Legs

When my mom was 21 years old, she entered a beauty contest sponsored by Movieland Magazine – “Your Legs Can Be Your Fortune”. After her entry was received, a letter was sent to my dad confirming her registration. It was clear he had to approve her participation.

When the judging was complete, she received a Western Union telegram telling her she was their 7th place winner. In addition to flowers, her prizes included three pairs of Holeproof Hosiery plus one pair of Willys of Hollywood Hosiery valued at $5 per pair. Of course she would also appear in the magazine.

My mom – 7th Place Winner

I know that I could never win a best legs contest, but I’m sure my daughter could – her legs go on for days. Now if I could only get her to wake up.

She’s adopted

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Sometimes You Just Gotta Dance

My mom is in an assisted living facility 900 miles from my home. She chose to live there because she knows she’s no longer able to survive on her own. However, she hates the place with a passion – at least that’s what she tells my sister and me.

For years, Mom has been generally negative, unhappy, critical and often mean. Moving to assisted living hasn’t made it any better. Like most people, she takes out her frustrations on those closest to her.

Before I visited this summer, I thought about what I could do to lighten the mood and arrived at a brilliant idea. I decided to dance – down the hallway to her apartment, in her apartment and leaving the building with her. Dance makes me feel better, so I thought it might make her feel better too.

When I first arrived at the facility, I turned on my playlist and started dancing right away as I walked through the front door. There weren’t many people around, but those who were met me with a huge smile.

Dancing down the hall, I invited others to dance with me but only one wheelchair bound woman took me up on my offer. She could really move her hands – great sense of rhythm.

My mom started laughing as soon as I danced into her apartment. That set the tone for the entire visit. I danced along side her on our way to the car, danced around staff and around residents. No one joined in, but everyone stopped to watch, laugh and smile.

At the end of the day when I danced my way out of the building, one of the staff members stopped and thanked me. She said I “made her day”. By telling me that, she made mine.

I continued to dance each time I visited Mom and this was the first time we parted on good terms with no altercations.

Dance is good for the body and the soul.

Sometimes you just gotta dance.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Check out this funny video of a young man dancing because he lost a bet, and note how strangers can’t help but join in.

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