The last time Stephen and I saw a movie, I went into the theater before him to find seats. Upon entering the cinema, I was surprised to find it empty. Waiting for Stephen, I jokingly stood watching for him so he could find me. As soon as the door opened, I started waving both arms, shouting “Stephen – over here. I’m here!” He stood in place, not moving, so I exaggerated my gestures and yelled louder. I thought he was pretending not to see me amidst the massive crowd of one. After a few moments, it looked as though he was going to turn around and leave, perhaps to retrieve forgotten mustard for his hotdog. Finally, he stepped into the light and with a confused (and slightly frightened look), said “I’m not Kevin.” He then promptly took a seat in the last row – as far away from me as he could get.
Once the stranger was seated, I walked up to him laughing and apologized. I admitted that he wasn’t Stephen (aka Kevin) and told him he could sit wherever he wanted. After pointing out that he was doing just that, he said it was no problem. A few more people showed up before Stephen finally came in. When he did, I stood up, faced the back of the theater where Not Kevin was sitting, waved my arms and shouted “He found me!” Everyone looked except Not Kevin who pretended he didn’t see me. When he finally realized I wasn’t going to stop until I was acknowledged, he gave me a quick nod of his head.
I think I scared Not Kevin that day. This crazy stranger trying to capture his attention when we were alone together in an empty theater. My theory was confirmed when I saw he was one of the first to leave at the end of the show. Had I been on my toes, I would have waited for him by the door. That was definitely Not Kevin’s lucky day.
May the farce be with you!
Upon entering a movie theater, I noticed the staff wearing t-shirts depicting farm animals. The images were promoting animals from a movie and the best part – the animals were going to make an appearance.
While standing in the concession line, a chicken and two eggs entered the lobby. More excited than any adult should have been, I ran over to get my picture taken (before all the kids showed up). Seeing the perfect opportunity, I thought I might finally get an answer to one of life’s burning questions: “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”
When I blurted out the question, my cliche disability kicked in and instead I asked: “Who came out first?” They said “the chicken” but I’m not sure what question they answered.
May the farce be with you!
The Nut, the Chicken and the Eggs
Last week an exterminator sprayed our house. We have a history of attracting hornets so we always do preventive spraying. In talking to the exterminator, I learned that hornets eat spiders that live in our trees, which gave me an idea for a SyFy channel movie.
In 2013, the SyFy channel presented a movie called Big Ass Spider! about giant spiders rampaging Los Angeles. As dumb as the idea sounds, the movie was funny and critics agreed as it received a 79% rating on the Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer.
The original movie
Given the success of the Sharknado series, I’ve been wondering when producers are going to make a Big Ass Spider 2. Well, it’s good they waited because I’ve got the perfect ending for the new movie:
As humans are valiantly fighting the big ass spiders, their numbers have dwindled and they’ve reached their breaking point. It looks as though all hope is lost. Fearing the worst, they hear a noise in the distance. Is it a bird? A plane? Underdog? No! It’s a swarm of hungry big ass hornets coming to eat the big ass spiders. But wait – the story doesn’t end there. As they kill the last of the spiders, they turn to the humans as their next meal.
That’s the end! The perfect set-up for the third movie in the franchise – Big Ass Hornet!
My movie idea
I would watch these movies. Would you?
May the farce be with you!
Your IFF and Psy-Ficologist,
Over the Christmas holiday I rented a movie from Redbox for the first time. In case you’re not familiar with it, Redbox is literally a red box filled with videos. You choose your selection using a touch screen, pay a modest fee and your DVD is expelled from the kiosk. The only human hands that touch the transaction are yours. Therefore, as the user, it is incumbent upon you to figure out what to do.
I didn’t encounter any problems until I attempted to return the DVD. Standing before the kiosk, I tried to shove my used movie back into the slot from which it came. The red box wouldn’t accept it and after multiple attempts I realized that I must be doing something wrong. I asked the person nearest to me, who looked about my age, if he could help, but he didn’t have a clue. My next actions were my defining moment – the period in which I crossed over to the mother side. (If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.)
Two young women were leaving the store. Equating youth to knowledge, I thought they could help. As I started speaking to them, I heard my mother’s voice spew from my mouth: “Girls, could you help me?” They looked at each other with knowing looks – “I can’t believe she called us girls and doesn’t know how to return a movie.” Without saying a word, they activated the screen, touched return, and told me to place the movie in the slot – which it now willingly accepted.
I left the store in shock. Not only did I call two young women “girls” but I had to ask for help in operating technology. I was no longer the helper, I had become the helpee. Worse than that, I had become my mother.
My New Year’s resolution, my mission, is to seek out and conquer new technology – to boldly go where I haven’t gone before. With any luck, if I need assistance, there’ll be helpful girls nearby.
Happy New Year and may the farce be with you!
I’ve become my mother