True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘poem’

Winter’s Song

(To be sung to the tune of “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas”)

It’s beginning to look a lot like Winter,

Ev’rywhere I go.

The dogs need their coats and boots to go out in the cold to p**p,

And they need their fancy ‘lectric heated throw.

Trying...to...stay...awake...

Trying…to…stay…awake…

It’s beginning to look a lot like Winter,

Snow at my back door.

But the prettiest sight I see is the one on my iPad screen

Of the ocean shore.

 

A pair of thinsulate boots, a Canadian tuque

To keep out the wind and the cold,

A coat past my knees to make sure I don’t freeze,

Warm gloves or a muff I can hold.

I can hardly wait for spring and the smell of marigolds.

Oops - forgot coat. Distracted by squirrel!

Oops – forgot coat. Distracted by squirrel!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Winter,

Ev’rywhere I go.

The weather’s on my last nerve. Trees in the forest preserve

Are the wimpy kind that plummet from the snow.

 

It’s beginning to look a lot like Winter,

Soon the snow will fall.

And the reason that it’s okay is that it will go away

With Spring’s sweet call.

Only six more months to go

Only six more months to go

Poe Thing

Stephen’s dad used to be the Administrator of a nursing home and assisted living facility. When Stephen was in high school, he would work at the home in the summer and after school. During the course of his employment, he ran across a semi-famous resident – the great-granddaughter of Edgar Allen Poe. I have no idea how she ended up in North Dakota assisted living, but there she was.

When Stephen knew her, she had developed a rash on her stomach. He found out about the rash when she described what happened with her doctor.

Doctor – How’s the rash?

Patient – Not good.

Doctor – Have you been using the cream I gave you?

Patient – Yes, but it tastes terrible.

Once she started rubbing the cream on instead of ingesting it, the rash went away.

In honor of her predicament and her famous great-grandfather, I’ve written this short poem.

On my stomach I was itching, using cream that should be fixing

A long time sore that I kept picking like selecting new decor.

So I ate the icky cream and I thought that I would scream

From the itching and the scratching on my core.

Then the doctor, I remember, said to rub it on the sore.

And if I do? Quoth the doctor, ‘Never more’.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pamcool_story_poe_funny_poster-r4be84445764249fe9155f8b36648ac59_e11_8byvr_512

All The Casement Windows

To be sung to the tune of “All the Single Ladies”

Inspired by a recent installation of windows in my home

 

All the casement windows (All the casement windows)

All the casement windows (All the casement windows)

All the casement windows (All the casement windows)

All the casement windows

Now put your cranks up

 

Want fresh air on your derriere but the sun’s just beating down

Window seat can’t beat the heat cause there is no breeze around

You reach to see how cool you can be, don’t find no crank or handle

You cry real tears for all the years you’ll suffer with the heat

 

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

Don’t be mad once you see that you can’t open it

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

 

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

 

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

Don’t be mad once you see that you can’t open it

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

 

I got drips on my lips, heat apocalypse

Feeling hotter than purgatory

Extra cash, to open the sash

Wanted to keep the money

I have heat exhaustion, did I mention

When I ordered the windows

I had my turn

Now I’m gonna learn

What it really feels like with no screen

 

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

Don’t be mad once you see that you can’t open it

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

 

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

 

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

Don’t be mad once you see that you can’t open it

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

 

All the casement windows (All the casement windows)

All the casement windows (All the casement windows)

All the casement windows (All the casement windows)

All the casement windows

Now put your cranks up

 

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

 

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

Don’t be mad once you see that you can’t open it

You want it open then you should’ve put a crank on it

Wuh uh oh

A crank won't help this window

A crank won’t help this window

Original Lyrics To Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

And never brought to mind

Because my memory is shot

The words I cannot find.

Where are my keys, my glasses too

Without them I am blind.

Perhaps a shot of Maker’s Mark

Will help me to unwind.

For auld lang syne, my dear

For auld lang syne,

The years go by so very fast

Feels like someone’s stolen time.

Once I relax I hope my brain

Will sort of realign,

Then all the friends that I forgot

Will clearly come to mind.

For auld lang syne, my dear

For auld lang syne,

What were the words I thought to pen

They’ve now escaped my mind.

=============================================================

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

happy-new-year

Bones In The Window

Here I sit on Hallowed’s Eve looking beyond the glass.

My hips are sore, my eyesight’s poor, I’ve flattened out my ass.

But here I’ll stay to watch the way the children seeking treats

Are startled when they look at me, all bones, no skin, no meat.

My stance is still, I do not move for fear they’ll run away.

It’s fun to see them laugh and scream, jump and run and play.

Soon I’ll dress in Santa’s hat complete with big white beard,

With skinny cat and bony rat, I’ll ring in the New Year.

Looks like he's been there a while

Looks like he’s been there a while

How The Grinch Stole Summer

Twas the midst of the summer

And all through the town,

Children partied with Grinchy

They really got down.

He funded the shindigs

All on his own

Doing product endorsements

When he was alone.

He only endorsed the things he admired

For sponsors who made his bank account higher.

He may not have used the product himself

But when he endorsed it, it flew off the shelf.

His services were in such high demand

He barely kept up, could barely withstand

The energy needed to sell all this crap.

He soon became crabby when he missed his nap.

This is the way Grinch became a bad ass

All of the year, not just at Christmas.

A sampling of the Grinch's latest product endorsements

A sampling of the Grinch’s latest product endorsements

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Christmas Song

Warm Christmas

(To be sung to the tune of White Christmas)

 

I’m dreaming of a warm Christmas

Where nothing’s covered up with snow

Where the sun is shining

Alfresco dining

And I might even have to mow

 

I’m dreaming of a warm Christmas

By the pool eating a peach

May the sun and warmth stay within reach

So I can spend

My Christmas on a beach

 

I’m dreaming of a warm Christmas

Unlike the ones I used to know

Where the flowers glisten

And children listen

For ice cream trucks that come and go

 

I’m dreaming of a warm Christmas

With every Christmas card I send

May today’s happiness transcend

And may warm Christmas never end

 

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

May the farce be with you,

Your IFF,

Pam

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