True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘Santa’

Santa’s Beard

Stephen has a beard – not like Duck Dynasty-type facial hair – it’s trimmed short. I love his beard because he grew it for me when we first started dating. However, now there are times when his beard makes me look old and I don’t like that. When we were younger, Stephen’s beard was a beautiful brown but now, unless he colors it, his beard is almost entirely white. I complain and ask him to color it, but he only tends to listen before some special event…until this happened.

We were out shopping and a little girl came up to us asking if Stephen was Santa. Before he could say no, I put my finger to my lips, said “Shhh” and bent down to her level. I told the little girl that he was Santa. You could see wonder emanating from her face as magic consumed her imagination. I said that after Christmas, Santa trims his beard and changes his hair making it difficult for people to recognize him and that only very good boys and girls can see through his disguise. I told her she was obviously special and that’s why she knew he was Santa, adding how important it was to be good all year. Then I told her we had to keep it a secret. Both the little girl and her mom were beaming when we parted company. As soon as we got home, Stephen colored his beard.

The next day I called my friend, the little girl’s mother, and told her our scheming was a success!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,



Stephen's beard is even whiter now.

Ho, ho, ho – this makes Pam look old

I look so much younger standing next to this!

Pam looks so much younger standing next to this!


Sitting on Santa’s Lap

Sitting on Santa's Lab

Sitting on Santa’s Lab

Cookies for Santa

It appears as though Santa needs to change some of his settings

It appears as though Santa needs to change some of his settings

If Santa Wrote A Letter To Santa

Dear Santa –

I normally don’t write to you but I’ve reached my limit. Every year is the same thing – 11 months of a manageable schedule followed by several hectic weeks of unreasonable demands culminating in a night that requires 11 months to recover.

The time has come for us to change our culture.

If I were to ask for something tangible for Christmas, I’d put a Fitbit on my list so I could monitor my fitness level. The request would be a waste because I know that any progress I would make throughout the year would be lost during the Christmas season, sitting for prolonged periods of time listening to children convey their Christmas desires.

I’d also like a membership to Weight Watchers so I can reach and maintain a healthy weight. This would reduce our health care costs and ensure my ability to meet Christmas demands long into the future.

However, any progress I would make during the year would be lost during the intense period of weight gain. I know the drill: “Eat, Santa, Eat”. “The kids expect a fat Santa.” It’s all about what the customer wants.

Have you ever thought about leading by example? Changing customer expectations?

Maybe we should start presenting a healthy Santa – show the kids Santa doesn’t have to be overweight. That in fact, a slender Santa is MORE jolly than one who’s round little belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly when he laughs. I think the combination of extreme work schedule and rapid weight gain sends the wrong message completely.

As long as I’m expressing my concerns, I feel it’s my duty to bring up my work conditions. Specifically, I’m referring to smoking – an extremely dangerous habit. Of course I don’t smoke cigarettes but my work exposes me to massive amounts of second hand smoke every year. I suggest rather than going down the chimney, I start using a door or window.

Face it – we’re cooking a recipe for disaster when we combine extreme work, weight gain and smoking. It’s almost like you’re trying to kill me. Personally, I don’t think a replacement would be easy to find.

My other complaint is your requirement that I eat milk and cookies set out by the families whose homes I visit. I’ve been lactose intolerant for years and now with my recently acquired gluten allergy, I’m barely able to move by the time I finish my shift. One of these days I won’t make it around the world in one night. What will happen then?

You know I’ve been good, Santa, and you know that my requests are all reasonable. We can easily implement these changes with a wellness program along with a commitment from you to stick with it.

Please know that I remain committed to meeting with all the children of the world, flying the sleigh and delivering gifts – assuming I don’t keel over from a massive coronary or just plain exhaustion. The kids have been good this year and I don’t want to let them down.

Until I hear otherwise, I’ll continue to eat. 

Ho, Ho, Ho and Merry Christmas.

May the farce be with you!

Your, IFF


Waiting for Santa

Waiting for Santa

A Christmas Story

When I was a kid, every Christmas Eve my parents would load my sister and I in the car and drive through the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights.

When we returned home, we’d get ready for bed and try to stay awake to see Santa.

Of course everyone knows that Santa doesn’t come until the children are asleep, so all attempts to meet him were unsuccessful.

Except for one magical Christmas.

Per tradition, my sister and I were bundled up in our winter coats heading out to the car. My mom forgot something in the house, so she had to run back inside after which we took our annual drive.

We looked at the lights, anticipating Santa’s visit.

However, when we got home we were stunned to find that Santa had already been there. He left his packages and ate his cookies while we were gone! It was incredible.

If I ever doubt the magic of the season, all I have to do is remember that Christmas.

Waiting for Santa

Waiting for Santa

It’s nice to know that after all these years, Santa still makes his annual trek. Technology has made it much easier to find him, too.

If you know kids (young or old) who want to learn about Santa and track his flight this year, be sure to send them to NORAD Tracks Santa.

Check out the trailer for Christmas 2013.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Santa’s Secrets Revealed

Do you ever wonder how Santa makes it around the world in one night, or how the reindeer are able to fly, or what’s Santa’s favorite cookie?

The answer to all these questions and more can be found at the Portable North Pole. Visiting this site is sure to turn the most cynical skeptic into a believer.

Here’s a taste of what you’ll find.

  • Santa can reach all the good boys and girls in one night because he controls the rotation of the earth and has the ability to stop time.
  • Reindeer are able to fly due to a magic lichen that only grows in the North Pole. The elves who’re responsible for the reindeer make a potion that activates the lichen’s magical properties.
  • Santa eats every treat that’s left out for him but his favorite kind of cookie is chocolate chip.

In addition to learning answers to your most pressing questions, the Portable North Pole also provides the opportunity for you to have Santa send a free personalized video.

You can also purchase other personalized gifts including phone calls from Santa, books, puzzles and letters. A portion of the proceeds goes to charity.

But wait, there’s more.

Would you like to track Santa’s progress on Christmas Eve so you can estimate when he’ll stop by your house? Thanks to Google Earth, you can follow Santa’s trek in real time at Norad Tracks Santa.

I hope these tools help make Christmas more magical in your household. They certainly have in mine.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Waiting for Santa

Waiting for Santa

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