True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘Santa’

Easter Santa

Last Halloween, I saw the most terrifying Halloween decoration – a house displaying Santa hiding in the bushes as ghosts float in the background.

Terrifying Halloween decoration

When I mentioned it to one of my friends, she told me that Santa stays in those bushes all year round. Sure enough, she was right. Here’s what he looks like now.

Easter Santa

I was shocked to learn that anyone could think desecrating Santa Claus is funny. That’s some twisted sense of humor. I have a healthy funny bone, but I never do anything weird. Take these few shots for example.

Ceiling ducks dress for every holiday, just like ceiling ducks should

Although not thrilled with the arrangement, Max understands the importance of wearing bunny ears at this time of year

Possessing a healthy fashion sense, Audrey loves dressing up for holidays

No house is complete without a mannequin and her dog outfitted for Easter

In addition to decorating, we also engage in traditional activities such as coloring Easter eggs. The only difference is that in our case, the eggs are from our tiny zebra finches. Here they are displayed in a tablespoon for scale.

Zebra Finch Easter eggs

The distinction couldn’t be any clearer, people who put bunny ears on Santa are strange. Me? I’m perfectly normal.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

An Alternative Perspective on Santa

Merry Christmas!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Santa’s Favorite Reindeer

Photo credit: NobleWorks Cards

Santa’s Beard

Stephen has a beard – not like Duck Dynasty-type facial hair – it’s trimmed short. I love his beard because he grew it for me when we first started dating. However, now there are times when his beard makes me look old and I don’t like that. When we were younger, Stephen’s beard was a beautiful brown but now, unless he colors it, his beard is almost entirely white. I complain and ask him to color it, but he only tends to listen before some special event…until this happened.

We were out shopping and a little girl came up to us asking if Stephen was Santa. Before he could say no, I put my finger to my lips, said “Shhh” and bent down to her level. I told the little girl that he was Santa. You could see wonder emanating from her face as magic consumed her imagination. I said that after Christmas, Santa trims his beard and changes his hair making it difficult for people to recognize him and that only very good boys and girls can see through his disguise. I told her she was obviously special and that’s why she knew he was Santa, adding how important it was to be good all year. Then I told her we had to keep it a secret. Both the little girl and her mom were beaming when we parted company. As soon as we got home, Stephen colored his beard.

The next day I called my friend, the little girl’s mother, and told her our scheming was a success!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

Stephen's beard is even whiter now.

Ho, ho, ho – this makes Pam look old

I look so much younger standing next to this!

Pam looks so much younger standing next to this!

Sitting on Santa’s Lap

Sitting on Santa's Lab

Sitting on Santa’s Lab

Cookies for Santa

It appears as though Santa needs to change some of his settings

It appears as though Santa needs to change some of his settings

If Santa Wrote A Letter To Santa

Dear Santa –

I normally don’t write to you but I’ve reached my limit. Every year is the same thing – 11 months of a manageable schedule followed by several hectic weeks of unreasonable demands culminating in a night that requires 11 months to recover.

The time has come for us to change our culture.

If I were to ask for something tangible for Christmas, I’d put a Fitbit on my list so I could monitor my fitness level. The request would be a waste because I know that any progress I would make throughout the year would be lost during the Christmas season, sitting for prolonged periods of time listening to children convey their Christmas desires.

I’d also like a membership to Weight Watchers so I can reach and maintain a healthy weight. This would reduce our health care costs and ensure my ability to meet Christmas demands long into the future.

However, any progress I would make during the year would be lost during the intense period of weight gain. I know the drill: “Eat, Santa, Eat”. “The kids expect a fat Santa.” It’s all about what the customer wants.

Have you ever thought about leading by example? Changing customer expectations?

Maybe we should start presenting a healthy Santa – show the kids Santa doesn’t have to be overweight. That in fact, a slender Santa is MORE jolly than one who’s round little belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly when he laughs. I think the combination of extreme work schedule and rapid weight gain sends the wrong message completely.

As long as I’m expressing my concerns, I feel it’s my duty to bring up my work conditions. Specifically, I’m referring to smoking – an extremely dangerous habit. Of course I don’t smoke cigarettes but my work exposes me to massive amounts of second hand smoke every year. I suggest rather than going down the chimney, I start using a door or window.

Face it – we’re cooking a recipe for disaster when we combine extreme work, weight gain and smoking. It’s almost like you’re trying to kill me. Personally, I don’t think a replacement would be easy to find.

My other complaint is your requirement that I eat milk and cookies set out by the families whose homes I visit. I’ve been lactose intolerant for years and now with my recently acquired gluten allergy, I’m barely able to move by the time I finish my shift. One of these days I won’t make it around the world in one night. What will happen then?

You know I’ve been good, Santa, and you know that my requests are all reasonable. We can easily implement these changes with a wellness program along with a commitment from you to stick with it.

Please know that I remain committed to meeting with all the children of the world, flying the sleigh and delivering gifts – assuming I don’t keel over from a massive coronary or just plain exhaustion. The kids have been good this year and I don’t want to let them down.

Until I hear otherwise, I’ll continue to eat. 

Ho, Ho, Ho and Merry Christmas.

May the farce be with you!

Your, IFF

Santa

Waiting for Santa

Waiting for Santa

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