True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘shopping’

The Week Before Christmas – A Poem

‘Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the house

My mother was calling my poor dad a louse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

But the presents weren’t wrapped, some weren’t even there.


The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

My parents were frazzled, too much in their heads.

Mamma was shopping online for more crap,

And daddy was holding a dog in his lap.


When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

Dad sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.

Away to the window Mom flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.


The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When what to their wondering eyes should appear,

But raccoons in the garbage looking for beer.


With a little masked face, so lively and quick,

They knew in a moment it wasn’t St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his claws and hands came,

His throwing the garbage made my parents insane.


My mom shouted loudly “I’ve had it this Christmas.”

My dad yelled right back – “You’re much too ambitious.

Go online right this minute, we’ll buy gift cards for all.

They can buy what they want, we’ll skip lines at the mall!”


“You don’t think we’re cheating?” Mom asked as she bristled.

“I don’t think so at all” Dad proclaimed with dismissal.

Then I heard them exclaim as they turned out the lights.

Happy Christmas to us, it will all be alright!


Just Turn It

My friend’s daughter decided to take up painting. To encourage her new endeavor, she gave her daughter several blank canvasses. A few weeks later, my friend noticed the canvasses were blank. When she asked about it, her daughter said they were portrait and she wanted landscape.

From portrait to landscape! It’s a miracle!

Although a true story, I found this tale hard to believe until something similar happened in my own family. Looking for a present for my mom, I found a picture of a zebra.

Zebra with a head

Unfortunately, the picture was too large to ship, so I texted a photo of it to Diana, my sister, to see if she could find the same item locally. My mom and Diana live in the same town so shipment is not an issue. Shortly after sending the text, I got a message from Diana saying she couldn’t find an exact match but she found a zebra picture without a head. This is what she sent.

Zebra without a head

A few minutes later, she texted again and said she was looking at it upside down. I’ll admit I made the same mistake, but it was a tiny image on my phone. Therefore, I place all responsibility with Diana.

Remember this. Everyone should get at least one turn.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Shopping with Dick and Jane

Last weekend I felt like I was in a Saturday Night Live skit. I was grocery shopping at a popular chain store – let’s call it Trader Jim’s. That’s not the real name because it’s important to protect the actual store’s identity.

The week before I had purchased a delicious cauliflower meal and wanted to buy it again. After failed attempts to find it, I asked a clerk who was stocking shelves. Without looking up, “Dick” pointed to the aisle behind where he was working. When Dick’s dismal directions led me nowhere, I let him know I still couldn’t find the cauliflower. This time, he grunted and pointed in the opposite direction. Again, the food was nowhere to be found.

Wandering aimlessly, I saw another clerk, “Jane”, who was actually helping someone. She even gave eye contact! When I presented my request, she tilted her head in a thoughtful manner and repeated the name back to me in a questioning form. “Szechwan cauliflower?” Having no idea where the product might be, she took me to the manager who said they sold no such item and suggested that I might have purchased it elsewhere. Recognizing an obvious breakdown in communication, I described the product. Once we all understood that the szechwan cauliflower was actually kung pao, Jane immediately took me to the correct location… which was next to Dick.

Thinking about Dick, he directed me to a product the store doesn’t carry, twice, without ever speaking or looking up. I thought about pointing him out to Jane but was afraid she either wouldn’t see him because he wasn’t really there or would tell me he wasn’t one of their employees. If Dick is working next week and still acting like a dick, I may risk everything and point him out to Jane.

By the way, Trader Jim’s szechwan cauliflower was delicious.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


So happy I found my cauliflower

So happy I found my cauliflower

Buying A New Bed

Buying a new bed is awkward. It’s also a huge expense and a big commitment. A bed is designed to last years and you spend more than a third of your life in it. If it isn’t comfortable, you’ll experience aches and pains, difficulty walking, and an unpleasant disposition.

I know because I’ve been sleeping in an uncomfortable bed for two years and just went through the unnatural experience of testing new beds in a public setting.

Anytime we’ve ever shopped for furniture or a car, Stephen falls in love with whatever he’s sitting on or in. When it came to bed shopping, we reversed roles. Every time I laid down, it felt good.

Between my inability to distinguish a good bed from a bad coupled with my discomfort in laying down in public, I made Stephen take the role of Goldilocks. He tried beds first directing me to the ones that felt just right. Even then, they all kind of felt the same.

It’s hard to tell in a few minutes what something’s going to feel like for 8 hours, so I was surprised that they asked us to leave when we brought sheets and started making the bed right before closing time. They reminded us that if our first choice didn’t work out we could pay a modest fee to exchange it for a new bed that we would be stuck with for the next 10 years. No pressure.

After much duress we eventually we selected a bed. This was in spite of all those people who laughed and photographed us while we were trying to sleep… Stephen in that stupid bunny suit.

Stephen took bed shopping seriously... which caused everyone else to NOT be serious

Stephen took bed shopping seriously… which caused everyone else to NOT be serious

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Alarming Story

Recently I’ve been setting off department store alarms. I’m not stealing anything. It happens when I enter and leave the store.

In an effort to learn what sets them off, I conducted an experiment. In one store, I first passed the sensor without my purse, then progressively removed my coat, jewelry, watch, cell phone, and shoes. Each time the alarm sounded. I couldn’t strip any further so I assumed it was me.

When a manager came to investigate, she said that occasionally people activate the alarm.  People, not things.

Entering the next store, I immediately alerted a clerk to my plight. After shopping, I reminded her the alarm might sound. She optimistically stated that perhaps it wouldn’t. Exiting the store unaccompanied by a blaring squeal, I returned to tell her she was right. However, my return set off the alarm.

In the absence of hard evidence, I hypothesize several reasons the alarms sound in my presence.

  1. Aura: Electromagnetic field surrounding the body. Invisible to the naked eye. Maybe mine’s electrifying.
  2. Alien Implant: It’s possible that I might have been abducted by aliens. If true, then my alien implant sets off store alarms. It only occurs intermittently when the aliens activate the implant to check on me.
  3. A knife in my back: The news reported that a man spent three years with a three inch knife lodged in his back. Doctors failed to notice. The man also served time in jail and the metal detector would go off every time the guards waved the wand over his back. They didn’t catch the knife either. Store alarms probably aren’t much different. I worked in business for over 20 years so I’m sure more than one person put a knife in my back. Seems like a logical explanation.

Once this mystery’s solved, perhaps I can figure out why I can’t get automatic toilets to flush or automatic faucets and hand dryers to turn on.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


I need one of these

I need one of these

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