True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘spider’

The Intruder

The other day going into my house, I was startled by a giant spider.

The Intruder

It was stalking me –  sitting on the side of the door casing between the garage door opener and the door handle.

Uncontrolled screaming (on my part) didn’t scare it away so I was faced with a decision. Back away slowly and leave until Stephen returned home from work (only about 6 hours) or find a way into the house, barricading myself inside hoping the intruder wouldn’t find a way in.

I decided to go in the house. Like an olympic athlete getting ready to run a race, I took a few breaths, pressed the button, grabbed the door handle, jumped inside and slammed and locked the door screaming the entire time. Heaving, I slowly calmed myself and the dogs down. Apparently, they didn’t like my screaming.

After I calmed them down

As my mind began to clear, I had a horrifying thought. I had to deal with the intruder. Otherwise it might disappear and attack me at anytime from anywhere. I could never enter the garage again – no place would be safe.

This could be me if I let the intruder live

It was imperative that I deal with the situation quickly using deadly force. Armed with a can of raid, I yanked the door open, jumped into the garage, aimed and fired. The intruder fell and ran. Although I lost site of him, he was mortally wounded. The only prudent move was to stay in the house the rest of the day.

When Stephen got home, he assured me that the intruder was expired and I could safely enter the garage. I felt like an invincible superhero that day, my bravery unmatched, but I never want to test my superpowers again.

This is me – strong and invincible, battling scary spiders

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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New Movie Franchise

Last week an exterminator sprayed our house. We have a history of attracting hornets so we always do preventive spraying. In talking to the exterminator, I learned that hornets eat spiders that live in our trees, which gave me an idea for a SyFy channel movie.

In 2013, the SyFy channel presented a movie called Big Ass Spider! about giant spiders rampaging Los Angeles. As dumb as the idea sounds, the movie was funny and critics agreed as it received a 79% rating on the Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer.

big_ass_spider_high_rez_2_8_13

The original movie

Given the success of the Sharknado series, I’ve been wondering when producers are going to make a Big Ass Spider 2. Well, it’s good they waited because I’ve got the perfect ending for the new movie:

As humans are valiantly fighting the big ass spiders, their numbers have dwindled and they’ve reached their breaking point. It looks as though all hope is lost. Fearing the worst, they hear a noise in the distance. Is it a bird? A plane? Underdog? No! It’s a swarm of hungry big ass hornets coming to eat the big ass spiders. But wait – the story doesn’t end there. As they kill the last of the spiders, they turn to the humans as their next meal.

That’s the end! The perfect set-up for the third movie in the franchise – Big Ass Hornet!

My movie idea

My movie idea

I would watch these movies. Would you?

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF and Psy-Ficologist,

Pam

Giving Thanks

One of my friends asked me on Facebook to participate in a Gratitude Challenge. For five days you were to list three things you were grateful for. I normally don’t engage in these activities, but this time I decided to play. When you see my list, you’ll understand why.

Day 1

I’m grateful that:

  1. My Facebook friends have a sense of humor
  2. I can change the rules – I’ve decided to list 5 things for 3 days instead of 3 things for 5 days
  3. I haven’t been abducted by aliens in a while (that I know of)
  4. My alien implant appears to be inactive (may be related to #3)
  5. My house hasn’t been destroyed by an asteroid

Day 2

I’m grateful that:

  1. I haven’t been in a sharknado…yet
  2. There’s no such thing as a catnado…yet
  3. My car hasn’t disappeared into a sinkhole…yet
  4. I haven’t had to use my Zombie Survival Guide…yet
  5. The earth hasn’t been destroyed by a giant spider apocalypse…yet

Day 3

I’m grateful that:

  1. I haven’t been bitten by a vampire
  2. Time travel hasn’t made me cynical
  3. I haven’t woken up covered in slugs
  4. The voices in my head only scare me a little
  5. This may be The Matrix and none of it is real

I’m also grateful that you took the time to read my blog.

Happy Thanksgiving!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

This is how I imagine my own sharknado

This is how I imagine my own sharknado

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