True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘Stephen’

Auditory Equity

I used to commute a couple of hours a day. To curb my frustration, I would yell at other drivers. I no longer have to travel long distances but I still curse at idiots on the road even if I’m not behind the wheel. Stephen usually drives and has grown accustomed to my impassioned exclamations, silently taking everything in stride, although it took a while for him to realize I wasn’t yelling at him.

Last week he surprised me. Before I could shriek my dissatisfaction, he looked through the driver’s side window and screamed “Move your d*mn *ss you f*cking b*stard!” Shocked, I looked at him and said “I’m impressed! Where did that come from?” He said he was trying to get his voice to echo off the window into his left ear. He thinks he’s losing hearing in his right and wants to even it out. Once I finished laughing, I softly told him he was a f*cking genius.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Stephen’s losing hearing in his right ear because of my vehicular vocalizations



Thank You?

When I worked in Corporate America, I remember washing my hands in the restroom standing next to a colleague. She looked at me and said “You got your hair cut.” I replied “Yes, I did.” to which she said “It’s shorter”. I paused, looked in the mirror, and said “Yes, it is.” After that awkward exchange, I made the decision to take every comment as a compliment – whether it was meant as one or not. This has worked fairly well until a recent conversation with Stephen. Rather than wearing my usual blue jeans, I put on a new pair of pants. They’re tight, like leggings only heavier.

Pam: I feel ridiculous in these pants. How do they look?

Stephen: They look good. You remind me of Peter Pan.

Pam: I don’t think that’s a compliment.

Stephen: Ok. Men in Tights.

Pam: That’s even worse. So should I change back into my jeans?

Stephen: No, really. They look good.

Uncertain whether the new pants were fit to be worn in public, I left them on. Now I take comfort knowing that in 20 years I’ll look back and laugh not only at my high school photos, but these pants, too.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Poor Stephen…


Home Improvement

We (aka Stephen) recently finished a couple of small home improvement projects: replacing a faucet and hanging a wall coat rack. My role was coming up with the ideas, providing encouragement to complete the project, and praising the completed task to the delight of the worker, thus making future endeavors more palatable. Each project had one thing that struck me as significant.


The thing I noticed about this project were the instructions. Take a look at step #1.

Excellent first step

Although I can’t imagine attempting to install a new faucet before removing the existing one, I appreciate the precise nature of the instructions. Unfortunately the rigor declined in step 2 as there was a need to drill an additional hole. Also, note that the number for the help line lacks an area code.

Wall Coat Rack

Hanging a coat rack should be a fairly simple chore. You need to decide where to hang it and make sure it’s straight. Through the miracle of modern science, this set of hooks came with a wondrous little tool: a cardboard combo template/level.

I was quite impressed to find such a marvel, having never seen a bubble-less level before. It worked quite well, too. Testing it with a traditional level, it was easy to hang the hooks straight. Wow, science. Way to go!

Hope you enjoyed these small updates and I wish you an easy time with your own projects.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,



When I was in college, I had the privilege of witnessing a total solar eclipse. We didn’t have solar glasses, so we had to view it through a box with a pin hole. Last summer, I experienced it again, but this time special glasses were available. It was a truly awesome experience.

Stephen (lab coat) and his coworkers watching the solar eclipse in their goofy glasses

This past week, there was a lunar eclipse of a blue super moon. When there’s a second full moon in a month, it’s called a blue moon. A super moon is when the moon is closest to earth causing it to appear larger; it has nothing to do with the Super Bowl. Considering the special glasses we had to wear last summer for the solar eclipse, I searched on line for lunar eclipse glasses but couldn’t find any – so I made some. Here’s a shot of Stephen watching the eclipse.

Stephen wearing his special lunar eclipse glasses

You’ll note there isn’t any glass in the lenses because superstition states that if you look at a blue moon through glass, you’ll have 30 days of bad luck. I’m sure that bad luck must be multiplied if you add in the super moon and the eclipse.

I suspect the glasses didn’t have any effect on Stephen’s viewing experience. In fact, they’re so useless I’m planning to patent and sell them online. Advance orders taken here!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


Super Bowl

This is the only super bowl I’ve ever seen Stephen excited about

Onesie, Twosie, Threesie, Stopsie

When Stephen and I were in college, we took a ballroom dance class. We hadn’t been dating long and Stephen declared that he would do anything for me. I put him to the test buying toe socks for him to wear to class. He accepted the challenge. Dancing in his colorful accoutrement, this normally docile man threatened everyone who dared challenge him: “don’t say a word”.

This is what Stephen’s feet looked like in dance class

After all these years, Stephen hasn’t changed. A couple of years ago, I found a bunny onesie for him from the movie A Christmas Story during an after-Christmas sale. Although he doesn’t wear it on a regular basis, he does pose for Kodak moments.

A man secure enough in his masculinity to be photographed in a bunny suit.

Thinking I was being nice, I recently found a great deal on a Frankenstein onesie with a hood Stephen could wear around the house. He pretended to like it when I gave it to him, but only wore it once claiming that the fabric was too light to keep him warm.

Puttin’ on the ritz

This year after Christmas, I found a chicken onesie that I knew was heavy enough to keep him warm; bonus – it had a hood.

Stephen wasn’t chicken about being a chicken

Soon after, I found a heavy fleece cookie monster onesie for only $5. Excitedly pointing out the wonderful bargain, I asked Stephen if he wanted it (knowing he would say yes). He muttered under his breath that he didn’t want to wear onesies. Stephen had been wearing ridiculous gifts from me for most of his adult life – starting with toe socks. Thinking years of silent compliance seemed more than enough, I hung cookie monster back on the rack. Now how to return the surprise onesie-matching toe socks…

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


The End

I have always had a thutt – a lack of distinction between the thigh and butt. In other words, a flat butt. Since I’ve been working out, I think that maybe, just perhaps, my thutt has finally developed into two distinct body parts. But now I’m not so sure. See for yourself.

Stephen was hugging me with his hands on my backside. Our conversation went like this:

Stephen: Wow – you have a nice round birthday cake.

Pam: No I don’t, I have a thutt.

Stephen: Seriously, it’s really round.

Pam: You’re feeling my thighs.

Following a long pause, Stephen felt around to see if I was right. I felt like the thutt of my own joke.

After years of working out, I still think my thutt might have gotten a little rounder, butt in the end it doesn’t really matter.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,



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