True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘Stephen’

Airplane Mode

Before take-off, be sure to put your husband in airplane mode

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Chew On This

Audrey, our youngest Italian Greyhound (IG), loves to chew. In addition to toys, anything is fair game: her dog tags, Max’s collar (her brother), wires, walls, windows, and anything else she can find.

Audrey chewing on the window

An elegant breed, Audrey can make IGs look goofy.

IGs are dignified

Because of Audrey’s propensity to gnaw, we raise our wooden vertical blinds out of reach and position the pulls where she can’t touch them. This is the damage she can do.

A pull before and after Audrey

The other day, Stephen raised the blinds but forgot to tuck away the pulls. I heard Audrey chewing on the knob and reminded Stephen of the need to displace the pulls. Here’s what happened.

Stephen: You know, you could have handled that better.

Pam: What are you talking about?

Stephen: The blind pulls. What you should have done was move the pulls yourself. You should also move them any time I forget in the future. Eventually I’ll notice what you’re doing and I’ll feel guilty. Then I’ll learn my lesson and start doing it myself.

I paused, initially thinking he was serious. Then I realized it didn’t matter whether he was or not and I burst out laughing, thus marking the end of the conversation.

BTW – he took care of the pulls himself.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Children of the Corn – 34 years later

Grandparents of the corn

The Impact of Fiction On Reality

I’ve been reading a trilogy by Justin Cronin called The Passage. It’s a dark story about a vampiric apocalypse, so intense that it bleeds not only into my dreams but my waking hours as well. Instead of the Walking Dead, it’s the Walking Undead.

The Vampiric Apocalypse isn’t pretty

As I was washing dishes, handling a large carving knife, the following conversation with Stephen occurred.

Looks fake

Pam: Wow. This is a huge knife. This is the kind of knife you could murder someone with. I can’t think of anyone I want to murder but if I do I’ll have to take some precautionary steps before the crime. Our knifes don’t match so we should be able to replace the murder weapon without suspicion. We’ll just have to be sure to pay cash. I would want you to buy it so I’m not implicated. Make sure you wear a hat so they can’t see your face in the security cameras.

Stephen: What?!?!?

The next morning, I woke up with a bite-shaped bruise on my forearm.

My bruise was similar to this

Pam: Did you bite me?

Stephen: What?!?!?

Pam: Here, look at my arm. Did you bite me? Because if you did and your intent was to infect me with a deadly virus, you need to penetrate the skin and this bite didn’t break the skin.

Stephen: It wasn’t me. [As if it could have been anyone else.]

I just finished book two in the trilogy and have decided to engage in some lighter reading before attacking the final book because Stephen just can’t seem to follow the conversation.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

The Toad and the Prince

The other morning Stephen came running upstairs to tell me he found a toad and needed me to take pictures. I followed him downstairs to this.

Our visitor

His body was about the size of a lemon – a small but hearty creature. Outside, before his capture, the dogs walked past him oblivious to his presence. For the few minutes he was in our custody, we admired his coloring and felt his little body, careful not to hurt him.

Such a handsome fellow

Before returning the toad to his natural habitat, Stephen suggested that I kiss him to see if he would turn into a prince. I told him I already had a prince – he brought me a toad. It was a great start to our morning.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

He looks like a prince to me

 

Car Ride Conversation – Yelling

I yell at other drivers. I’ve been that way for so long, Stephen has gotten used to it (he usually drives when we’re together). The phrase I use most often is “Move it *sshole!” Stephen used to be startled by my outcries and at the beginning, he thought I was yelling at him. For the most part, those days are long gone as evidenced by our recent conversation.

Pam [with great enthusiasm]: Move it *sshole!

Stephen [very calmly]: I can see it. One day there’s going to be a four way crash at an intersection and it’s going to be your fault. All the drivers will hear you and think you’re yelling at them. The police will show up and you’ll be arrested. It will be terrible.

Pam: If that happens, when the cop comes to our car, I’ll tell him I was talking to you. He’ll shake his head, pat you on the shoulder and give you a card with the number of a helpline. I’ll get off scott free.

More driving followed by silence….

Pam: Move it *sshole!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

That’s my kind of kid!

 

Soy and Estrogen

Proof that ingesting soy does not increase estrogen levels

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