Now I’m lame in what I eat
There is no steak, there’s hardly meat
I’m watching carbs and sugars, too
I‘m missing pie and fats are few
I’m eating light, oh – woe is me
I’m stuck with fish and broccoli
Most fats are bad ‘cept Omega 3
So I’ll chow down on mercury
[Poem by Stephen]
Last weekend Stephen and I decided to do something different. We drove 30 miles to a craft fair in a small town. The fair was on the grounds of the courthouse in the middle of downtown within easy walking distance of shops and restaurants. A perfect venue with perfect weather… until we parked the car and found parking meters. I expect to pay for parking in the city, but when I stop in a small town far from the madding crowds, I presume parking will be free.
Because we were there on a Saturday, I didn’t get too worked up because surely patrons wouldn’t be expected to pay for parking on a weekend – right? We sat in the car for a few moments, observing other people inserting coins into their meters so we knew we had to do the same. Cursing like a parrot attached to a drunken pirate, I got out of the car and stomped to the meter. When I saw the charges, I burst out laughing. Not only are the charges ridiculously affordable, the amount of money collected is probably far less than the salary of the person who empties them.
Our total charge was 20 cents for the day. We left early, leaving a whopping 1 cent on the meter. As we left our spot, a big Ford SUV pulled in behind us. I was glad to give them our penny. It felt good to pay it Ford.
May the farce be with you!
Your IFF,
Pam
It started with a drip, a constant, incessant drip… all night long. The faucet in our bathroom was leaking. Not only was it noisy, but it left a ring in the sink. Stephen intended to replace the washer but the faucet was too old. All attempts to take it apart failed. It was time to replace it.
Rather than go shopping, we ventured into the black hole known as our basement and grabbed a brand new faucet we had saved from our last house. Don’t judge – we’ve only lived in our current home for 19 years. We were victims of variable reinforcement – a powerful behavior modification tool that occurs when rewards happen on an unpredictable, intermittent schedule – like gambling. Behavior learned in this manner is the most difficult to extinguish. All pack rats are victims of variable reinforcement – we have to keep things because you never know when you might need them.
I’ll admit that the “new” faucet wasn’t perfect. A couple of the seals had dried out and needed to be replaced but it works great now. The sink is dry and we no longer fall asleep to the song of dripping water.
I was slightly worried when Stephen was replacing the faucet because I wasn’t convinced he had what it took to be a plumber. He just didn’t look the part. I asked him to pull the back of his pants down but he wouldn’t do it. I’ve decided to buy him a t-shirt for future projects that will enhance his credibility.
Credibility enhancing shirt
Now that the new faucet is in place, every time I look at it, this song comes to mind.
Ode To Dripping Water
(To be sung to the tune of Sounds of Silence)
Hello faucet, my old friend
It’s nice to wash with you again
Because slow water softly dripping
Left a ring while I was sleeping
And the clamor that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Now all I hear is silence
May the farce be with you!
Your IFF,
Pam
(Shirt available from Stoopid Deals)
Yesterday, Stephen threw me off balance with his crazy idea.
Stephen: I’m going to have my inner ear removed.
Pam: What?!?!?!?
Stephen: I’m going to have my inner ear removed.
Pam: Why?!?!?!?
Stephen: Balance isn’t important anymore. There’s no balance of power. There’s no balanced budget. There’s no balanced reporting. There’s no balance of nature. There’s no work-life balance.
At first I thought the balance of his mind was disturbed, but then he said enough to tip the balance. I may have my inner ear removed, too.
May the farce be with you!
Your IFF,
Pam
P.S. We both still have our inner ears. Funny, we can’t find a doctor willing to remove them!
Stephen’s always been a bit off balance.
Written
on April 5, 2018