True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘winter’

To Winter

This is what I think of winter

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Winter’sBack

To be sung to the tune of SexyBack

I hate that Winter’s back (yuck)

Them other drivers don’t know how to act (yeah)

Get off the road, don’t want to hit your back (yeah)

Get off the road and I’ll pick up the slack (yeah)

[Take it to the bridge]

Dirty snow

You see these shovels, baby

Apropos

The cold’s okay but I don’t like the snow

It’s hard to shovel even when you blow

[Take it to the chorus]

Be gone snow (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Bring back spring (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Be gone snow (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Bring back spring (go ‘head, be gone with it)

You see what you’re shoveling (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Lay down the salt (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Snow makes me mad (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Be gone snow (go ‘head, be gone with it)

And get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone

Repeat above

You ready?

I’m ready!

I’m ready!

I hate that Winter’s back (yuck)

Them other drivers don’t know how to act (yeah)

Get off the road, don’t want to hit your back (yeah)

Get off the road and I’ll pick up the slack (yeah)

[Take it to the chorus]

Be gone snow (go ‘head, be gone with it

Bring back spring (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Be gone snow (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Bring back spring (go ‘head, be gone with it)

You see what you’re shoveling (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Lay down the salt (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Snow makes me mad (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Be gone snow (go ‘head, be gone with it)

And get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone (go ‘head, be gone with it)

Get the winter gone

You ready?

Yes

I’m ready!

Yes!

Yes!

=====================

The video, in case you want to sing along.

 

 

Baby It’s Cold Outside

Complete and utter humiliation

Winter’s Song

(To be sung to the tune of “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas”)

It’s beginning to look a lot like Winter,

Ev’rywhere I go.

The dogs need their coats and boots to go out in the cold to p**p,

And they need their fancy ‘lectric heated throw.

Trying...to...stay...awake...

Trying…to…stay…awake…

It’s beginning to look a lot like Winter,

Snow at my back door.

But the prettiest sight I see is the one on my iPad screen

Of the ocean shore.

 

A pair of thinsulate boots, a Canadian tuque

To keep out the wind and the cold,

A coat past my knees to make sure I don’t freeze,

Warm gloves or a muff I can hold.

I can hardly wait for spring and the smell of marigolds.

Oops - forgot coat. Distracted by squirrel!

Oops – forgot coat. Distracted by squirrel!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Winter,

Ev’rywhere I go.

The weather’s on my last nerve. Trees in the forest preserve

Are the wimpy kind that plummet from the snow.

 

It’s beginning to look a lot like Winter,

Soon the snow will fall.

And the reason that it’s okay is that it will go away

With Spring’s sweet call.

Only six more months to go

Only six more months to go

Oh Holey Sole

I don’t like winter. As a result, I often take irrational steps to pretend it doesn’t exist. Although I don a coat at the first sign of dropping temperatures, when it snows, I rarely wear boots, instead opting for tennis shoes or fleece lined clogs.

I have this preposterous thought in the back of my head that if I refuse to wear boots, I can prevent snow from falling. It’s never worked, nevertheless my behavior remains unchanged.

The first snowfall of the year, Stephen and I attended an arts and crafts show. True to form, I wore my tennis shoes. I got in the car in the garage and didn’t step outside in the snow until we arrived at our destination.

As soon as I stepped onto the slushy pavement, much to my surprise, I felt freezing water rush past my toes to the top of my foot. Running and squealing into the building, my feet were freezing and soaked before I got inside. In the entry, between fits of laughter, I told Stephen what happened. The soles of my shoes apparently had open holes of which I was unaware.

The offending footwear

The sole offender

I sloshed for three hours throughout the entire show. When it was finally time to leave, my feet were still cold and wet. I thought this might be Mother Nature’s way of telling me my choice of footwear could not control the weather.

The experience left an indelible mark on my sole and as a result, I’ve stopped wearing tennis shoes in the snow – clogs it is.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

An Ode to Mother Fricking Nature

Third worst in written history

This was the worst winter to me

With 80 inches plus of snow

And frigid temps below zero

So happy when the springtime came

With sunny days and warmth again

But no such luck – the skies are gray

And the cold temps won’t go away

What more can Mother Nature bring?

Wake up Bitch – it’s fricking spring!

 

First Day of Spring

First Day of Spring

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Fractured Cliché #50

Fractured Cliché: Party ‘till the hogs come home

Correct Cliché: Party ‘till the cows come home

Today is Groundhog Day – when a magically imbued rodent predicts the weather. This morning, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, foretelling six more weeks of winter. If he hadn’t, it would have meant an early spring.

When I was growing up in northern North Dakota, we didn’t care whether or not Phil saw his shadow because either prediction was good news. An early spring or 6 more weeks of winter? Both meant our winter would be cut short.

In some circles, the mood is a little sad today. With all eyes focused on Punxsutawney Phil, a lot of the country has forgotten about a little game called football. For the first time ever, the Super Bowl, the coup de grâce of the season, is being trumped by Groundhog Day.

Whatever your focus, find a reason to celebrate – for shadows, sports, commercials, drinks or food. Party till the pigskin comes home.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

If Punxsutawney Phil played football

If Punxsutawney Phil played football

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