True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘Zombie’

The Undead (Phone)

Last week I experienced a disaster, I broke my phone.

I was traumatized

The drop traumatized me more than my phone

It could have been worse. I know you’re thinking “what could have been worse than that?” Continue reading if you want to find out.

I found a place that could fix my phone for a reasonable fee, but I had some trepidation about going to their store – look at their name.

IMG_1859

I imagined zombies fixing my phone. Lumbering toward me with one arm dangling and one foot trailing behind. I thought “What if they bite me? Will I still have to pay?” Unsure of the dangers that might be lurking upon my arrival, the following conversation took place before Stephen left for work.

Pam: You should call before you come home.

Stephen: Why?

Pam: For your own safety. I’m going to Zombie Techs to get my phone fixed and I’m not sure what to expect. What if I get bitten? I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t turn until I got home so you better call. If I answer in complete sentences you’ll be safe but if I make guttural sounds, you should be prepared. Remember – you have to destroy my brain to stop me from attacking you.

I was afraid I might end up like this

I was afraid I might end up like this

Stephen: I don’t want to bash your brains in, so if the worst happens I’ll bring home brains for you to eat. That way, you won’t need mine. How do you want them prepared? Steamed, baked, fried?

Pam: Deep fried, definitely deep fried.

I don’t know about you, but I find it concerning that he knew where to go for brains.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

 

 

A Halloween Song

Ode To All Hallows Eve

(To be sung to the tune of Silver Bells)

 

Silver nails, silver nails

Load them in portable nail guns

Pop and fling, really sting

Soon it will be Halloween

 

People running, people screaming

Cause the monsters are loose

In the air

There’s a feeling of

Terror

 

See the vampires

And the werewolves

Scary creatures are out

So on every street corner you’ll hear

 

Silver nails, Silver nails

Load them in portable nail guns

Pop and fling, really sting

Soon it will be Halloween

 

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May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Happy Halloween from my zombie self

Happy Halloween from my zombie self

Fractured Cliché #48

Fractured Cliché: Keep an eye out on you

Correct Cliché: Keep an eye on you

I watch AMC’s The Walking Dead, about a group of people who are trying to survive a Zombie apocalypse. It’s terrifying.

I hate the show yet I’ve continued to watch it for four seasons. The story lines, directing and acting are fantastic but it’s so realistic and hopeless, it gives me nightmares.

I never watch it live. Instead, I tape it and watch it early in the evening so I can view something lighter before going to bed.

Perhaps The Walking Dead is behind today’s fractured cliché. A Zombie could easily keep an eye on you even if that eye isn’t in its head.

I, on the other hand, need my eyes in my head so I can read my Zombie Survival Guide while keeping an eye out on The Walking Dead.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

I was going to insert a picture from The Walking Dead - but it's just too horrible

I was going to insert a picture from The Walking Dead – but it was just too horrible

Fractured Cliché #31

Fractured Cliché: He wears his head on his sleeve

Correct Cliché: He wears his heart on his sleeve

This mistake naturally leads me to think about heart health and CPR which in turn reminds me of zombies. I took a CPR class once and was surprised at how hard it was. There’s a tremendous amount of force that’s required to revive a dummy. I hope I never have to perform CPR on a real person because I could never get that dummy to wake up.

The attached zombie video from the Heart and Stroke Foundation proves there are things far worse than a dead dummy. Personally, I think they’ve gone too far. Zombies may be trainable, but that doesn’t mean we should train them.

Watch at your own risk – you’ll never view CPR or zombies the same.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Red Herrings

A year ago, 5,000 red-winged blackbirds died and fell from the sky in Arkansas. This year hundreds more experienced the same fate. The explanation was that they died from DBC (Death By Concussion) – fireworks killed them.

In Utah, thousands of eared grebes (aquatic, duck-like birds) crash-landed onto highways and parking lots. Officials speculated snow and artificial lights confused the birds – DLC (Dark Light Confusion). (Snow and lights were new to the area?)

In Norway, 20 tons of dead herring were found on a beach, driven ashore by predators or a storm due to CBC (Congregated Beaching Compulsion). The weird thing (as if this wasn’t weird already) is that before the fish could be cleaned up, they disappeared.

Individually, these unusual situations are hard to explain but when added to the next story the puzzle becomes clear.

Researchers at San Francisco State University discovered flies using bees’ bodies as homes for their developing larvae. After being infected, the bees display zombie-like behavior, leave the hive at night and die. The flies attack worker bees which disrupts and endangers the future of the hive. This is called CCD – Colony Collapse Disorder. (This is similar to Zombie Ants that kill themselves at high noon in the Thailand rain forest.)

Fly Parasite Driving Zombie Bee (Photo by John Hafernik)

Just like the bees, the birds and fish were probably infected by zombie parasites. That would certainly explain how dead fish could swim away.

When I  made this connection between CCD, DBC, DLC and CBC all these crazy thoughts raced through my mind. The CDC would have to get involved immediately. They would need to collect samples, view them in HD on their LCD so they could determine the cause of the problem referencing the ICD (International Classification of Diseases). The thought of such bizarre events bothered me so much that I started to feel very anxious fixating on the possibility that the world was ending and I had to do something. Once I realized I was displaying signs of OCD, I chilled and went to McD’s for a Sweet Tea. I’m fine now.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF and Psy-Ficologist,

Pam

Apocalypso

I’ve been watching a lot of science fiction lately and it got me thinking about what it would be like to live in a post-apocalyptic world. I’m sure sci-fi has that effect on a lot of people, so I thought it would be fun to share my thoughts with you. Maybe we can compare notes.

Being the diligent researcher that I am, I didn’t want to rely solely on Hollywood’s view of post-apocalysm. I went to my trusty “friend” the internet and found an “official” definition on Wikipedia that is paraphrased below.

A post-apocalyptic world depicts the end of civilization due to one or more catastrophic events.

When I read this, I tried to think of what such a world might look like and found that it was easy to imagine.

In my vision, I saw a place with an unstable economy; and not just in the United States but across the entire planet. The stock market would be manic-depressive spiking high and dipping low. There would also be a shortage of jobs and a downturn in the housing market. Similar to today but worse.

The planet would be plagued with strange occurrences. Things weirder than sink holes under beds in Guatemala, 5,000 birds falling from the sky in Arkansas, hundreds of dead fish in Texas, zombie ants that kill themselves at high noon in Thailand, or a bugnado (tornado of bugs) caught on tape in Iowa.

Bugnado: Swarming Bug (Apo-Calypso?) Dance (Photo by extreminstability.com)

This world would also be inundated with strange and extreme weather phenomena. Things much weirder and more severe than haboobs (sandstorms) in Arizona and Texas or mile-wide tornados that stay on the ground destroying everything in their path. There would also be frequent and extreme occurrences of hurricanes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and earthquakes.

In my imagination, a post-apocalyptic world would be wrought with such things as bad entertainment in an effort to distract people from their reality. Ironically, they would come in the form of “reality” TV and wouldn’t really make people forget. However, such shows might serve another purpose: to distract viewers so they would never even become aware that the apocalypse had already taken place.

The Onion claims that the apocalypse has already occurred. According to their report, it happened on April 3, 2008 (they didn’t say what time). Personally, I think if it had happened we would have heard or felt some kind of explosion. In my humble opinion, we’re safe for at least a little while.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF and Psy-ficologist,

Pam

Living With The Undead Is A No-Brainer

Special Halloween Post – Provided As A Public Service

Last week I sat down with world renowned ethologist, zoologist, anthropologist, psychologist, political activist and lobbyist, Dr. Cymone Koh. She claims to have lived with zombies for most of her adult life and is a self-proclaimed zombie-whisperer.

Following are excerpts from my interview with Dr. Koh.

Pam: Dr. Koh, thank you for joining me today.

Cy: Please call me Cy, Dr. Koh is so formal.

Pam: All right, thank you Cy. [To the audience] Today I’m joined by Dr. Cy Koh who is best described as the Jane Goodall of zombies. Cy, tell us about yourself.

Cy: I’ve lived with zombies for nearly 35 years – the best years of my life, I might add. I’m very passionate about their rights and have spent considerable time and resources lobbying on their behalf.

Pam: How did you become interested in them?

Cy: My mother was raised by zombies and that’s really the basis of my interest in them. They are kind of like family to me.

Pam: Wow, that’s quite a legacy. Tell me, what are some of the most interesting things you’ve learned?

Cy: Zombies are much more complex than they first appear. Most people don’t know that zombies can use tools – a skill that has been thought to be unique to the living. I’ve seen them gather brains and guts using a spatula and shovel. They also use language. Throughout the years I’ve discovered patterns associated with their grunts and moans, once thought to be random. As you would expect, they are not very emotional creatures but they do establish relationships with one another.

Pam: It’s amazing that you lived safely among them for so many years. Aren’t they dangerous?

Cy: If provoked, they certainly can be. However, I was never afraid because they thought that I was a zombie, too. Although they are pack animals, their hunting behavior is not coordinated. They don’t plan or strategize attacks. Remember, their brains are quite dead so their intelligence is limited.

Pam: For some reason zombies are more prevalent around Halloween and people are often more fearful than at other times of the year. What tips can you provide in the event of a zombie attack?

Cy: Surprisingly, information garnered by the media is fairly accurate when it comes to zombie aggression. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I’ve chosen to use this video to answer your question.

Video from Nightmare on Chicago Street, Elgin, Illinois

Pam: Dr. Cy Koh, thanks for a most informative interview. Our readers can rest easy knowing they are well prepared for an unlikely zombie attack.

Happy Halloween and may the farce be with you.

Your IFF and Psy-Ficologist,

Pam

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