True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Posts tagged ‘zombies’

Breakfast Conversation

In the mornings before work, Stephen usually wolfs down a quick breakfast. There’s been a loaf of soda bread in the fridge for weeks and it’s nearly rock hard, so I bought a fresh loaf to replace it. A couple of days ago, Stephen was eating soda bread and I asked how the new bread tasted. He didn’t know because he was still eating the old loaf. The next morning, he chose to eat old cookies, again bypassing the fresh bread. Here was our conversation.

Pam: Those cookies look stale. You know there’s fresh soda bread in the fridge.

Stephen: I know. The cookies are stale.

Pam: Ah, I get it. You’re waiting for the soda bread to get stale before you eat it. Next time I’ll see if they can sell me a stale loaf so you don’t have to wait.

Stephen: Yeah, funny. These cookies taste terrible.

Pam: Why don’t you eat some of the soda bread? It’s fresh.

Stephen: I’m eating a prepper’s breakfast. When the apocalypse hits the food will be stale and I won’t have to adjust. Besides, I’m already used to the stomach ache.

Today I’ve hidden all the old food and Stephen’s going to have to eat fresh bread or go hungry. I’m a little nervous about it, though. The fresh, good tasting food will probably make him sick.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,



Breakfast of Preppers


Giving Thanks

One of my friends asked me on Facebook to participate in a Gratitude Challenge. For five days you were to list three things you were grateful for. I normally don’t engage in these activities, but this time I decided to play. When you see my list, you’ll understand why.

Day 1

I’m grateful that:

  1. My Facebook friends have a sense of humor
  2. I can change the rules – I’ve decided to list 5 things for 3 days instead of 3 things for 5 days
  3. I haven’t been abducted by aliens in a while (that I know of)
  4. My alien implant appears to be inactive (may be related to #3)
  5. My house hasn’t been destroyed by an asteroid

Day 2

I’m grateful that:

  1. I haven’t been in a sharknado…yet
  2. There’s no such thing as a catnado…yet
  3. My car hasn’t disappeared into a sinkhole…yet
  4. I haven’t had to use my Zombie Survival Guide…yet
  5. The earth hasn’t been destroyed by a giant spider apocalypse…yet

Day 3

I’m grateful that:

  1. I haven’t been bitten by a vampire
  2. Time travel hasn’t made me cynical
  3. I haven’t woken up covered in slugs
  4. The voices in my head only scare me a little
  5. This may be The Matrix and none of it is real

I’m also grateful that you took the time to read my blog.

Happy Thanksgiving!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


This is how I imagine my own sharknado

This is how I imagine my own sharknado

Zombie Ghosts

Atchison, Kansas made the news recently as the place to be during an apocalypse.

Robert Vicino, whose company builds survival shelters, purchased 45 acres of a former Army storage bunker and plans to develop it as a harbor for the end of the world.

The facility lies within a complex of limestone caves located 100 – 150 feet below ground. The area is supported by limestone pillars and, once blast doors are added, will be able to withstand a one-megaton nuclear explosion.

With space enough to house 1,000 RVs and 5,000 people, the purchase price will be $1,000 per linear foot. Additional charges include $1,500 per person for food. It isn’t cheap. The total cost would be $36,000 for a family of four living in a 30-foot RV.

While this all sounds great, reports failed to emphasize that Atchison is haunted. In fact, it’s one of the most haunted areas of the United States. Any family who’s considering purchasing a space should think long and hard before forking over 36 grand.

Let’s say zombies cause the apocalypse. Dead by definition, they’ve already been separated from their souls.

Zombies might not be able to get to the underground bunker, but their spirits will.

What better place for zombie ghosts to haunt the living than beneath the most haunted city in America?

Fortunately, incorporeal estate laws should require full disclosure.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF and Psy-Ficologist,


Paved roadways lead the way to the Vivos Shelter and Resort during a tour of the facility in Atchison, Kan., Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Haunted Apocalypse Shelter (AP Photo/Orlin Wagner)

Wouldn’t You Like To Be A Prepper Too?

Most people prepare for things. Some plan out every aspect of their lives whereas others simply make sure they have enough toilet paper. A subset of the population, called Preppers, is preparing for doomsday. It doesn’t matter how the world will end – sink holes, asteroids or Zombies – Preppers will be ready.

I wouldn’t call Stephen a Prepper, but he has been primed for disaster. Remember before Y2K when the world was going to end? Stephen was ready. He stockpiled flashlights, food, water and other sundries. I think we still have jugs of water in the basement.

After 9/11 there was talk about the possibility of an airborne biological weapon. For months our bathtub was filled with food, jugs of water, sheets of plastic, duct tape and a microwave. (Note: Microwaves are just as dangerous to bathe with as toasters and hair dryers, so don’t try this at home.) I know you’re probably thinking that we must have been very dirty during that time but we have a separate shower so it was okay.

The latest tool to help prepare for disaster uses a Faraday cage – an enclosure constructed of material that blocks external static and electromagnetic radiation. Let’s say outer space aliens intended to destroy Earth using an electromagnetic pulse (EMP), a Faraday cage would stop any electronic devices under its protection from being destroyed.

One of our friends decided to build his own Faraday cage to protect his phone. He didn’t necessarily think the world was going to end but wanted to be ready just in case.  When we asked who he was going to call in the event the Faraday cage was needed since everyone else’s phone would stop working, he didn’t have a ready answer. Guess he wasn’t as prepared as he thought!

With any luck the world will be destroyed by Zombies who are unlikely to have EMP capabilities.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,


I appreciate the security but the Faraday cage makes it hard to work

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