True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Giving Thanks

One of my friends asked me on Facebook to participate in a Gratitude Challenge. For five days you were to list three things you were grateful for. I normally don’t engage in these activities, but this time I decided to play. When you see my list, you’ll understand why.

Day 1

I’m grateful that:

  1. My Facebook friends have a sense of humor
  2. I can change the rules – I’ve decided to list 5 things for 3 days instead of 3 things for 5 days
  3. I haven’t been abducted by aliens in a while (that I know of)
  4. My alien implant appears to be inactive (may be related to #3)
  5. My house hasn’t been destroyed by an asteroid

Day 2

I’m grateful that:

  1. I haven’t been in a sharknado…yet
  2. There’s no such thing as a catnado…yet
  3. My car hasn’t disappeared into a sinkhole…yet
  4. I haven’t had to use my Zombie Survival Guide…yet
  5. The earth hasn’t been destroyed by a giant spider apocalypse…yet

Day 3

I’m grateful that:

  1. I haven’t been bitten by a vampire
  2. Time travel hasn’t made me cynical
  3. I haven’t woken up covered in slugs
  4. The voices in my head only scare me a little
  5. This may be The Matrix and none of it is real

I’m also grateful that you took the time to read my blog.

Happy Thanksgiving!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

This is how I imagine my own sharknado

This is how I imagine my own sharknado

Asinine

Is this ass a 9?

Is this ass a 9?

Thanks to social media, we can stay connected to our friends without ever having to talk to them. Unfortunately, we can’t get away from people entirely. When shopping in stores or eating in restaurants we still have to contend with those pesky clerks and servers.

In this day and age, we shouldn’t have to talk to anyone.

A few businesses feel our pain and are moving in the right direction. Check out this email I got from Domino’s Pizza:

“Order pizza with just the sound of your voice”

I panicked when I first saw this because they made it sound like they wanted me to use my phone to talk to a person. I was relieved to learn that I could simply talk to an app. That is so much better! Nobody wants to talk on their phone, unless of course they’re dictating a text.

Chili’s is also stepping up to the plate. They have tablets at every table (called Ziosks) you can use to place your order and pay your bill. Unfortunately you still have to interact with annoying servers. But maybe not for long.

Lowe’s is introducing automated customer service agents in select stores, which I think could easily be adapted to wait tables. Customers receive help from an automated agent without the need to talk to the living.

Some people may think we’ve taken automation too far. Not me!

As I write this blog, my self-driving car is on it’s way to Domino’s to pick up the pizza I ordered by talking to their app. I’m vacuuming with my Roomba – or should I say it’s vacuuming for me. And I’m dictating a text because my fingers are busy typing this blog.

Multi-tasking has never been easier!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

He's a handsome fellow but not the greatest conversationalist

He’s a handsome fellow but not the greatest conversationalist

 

Lost Mojo

Larry burst into tears when, after months of searching, he finally found his Moe Joe

Larry burst into tears when, after months of searching, he finally found his Moe Joe

Tom The Coin Guy

My sister and I wanted to have some old coins appraised. We took them to a local pawn shop to see if the owner, Tom, could help us out.

When we arrived, the aisles were so packed we had to squeeze past merchandise to get to the counter. Tom was outside, followed us in and bellowed “what do you want?”.

Clearly, he was a man of few words with a gruff demeanor, yet I attempted to make conversation.

There was a dog looking through the front door so I asked if it was Tom’s. He said “It better be!” When I asked her name, he groused “The dog has tools – it’s a male.”

My sister took a different tactic and complimented him on his shorts (they were quite loud sporting a Hawaiian print). Tom brusquely responded “you can buy ‘em if you want.”

During this brief exchange, another customer (#2) entered the store. Tom shouted his standard greeting “What do you want?”. When customer #2 said he was just browsing, Tom barked “That ain’t gonna happen. Wait outside until I’m done here.”

Reviewing the coins, he separated those that were only worth face value repeating disdainfully “this is money”. He recorded an estimate on a post-it note for the remaining stash and told us how much they were worth. We thanked him and asked if we could have the post-it note. His reply “Nope. Not unless you plan to pay me. It’ll cost you $25.”

We left empty handed and both agreed that Tom wasn’t our guy. Surprisingly, customer #2 was still there waiting for his turn.

If customer #2 had arrived first and Tom told us to wait outside, using his own words, I would have replied “That ain’t gonna happen.”

Tom’s been in business for more than 30 years so he must be doing something right. I just didn’t see it.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Some female dogs have tools, too

Some female dogs have tools, too

Hashtag

# Hash Tag

# Hash Tag

Man’s Best Friend

A recent study reported that people love their dogs like children.

Researchers showed mothers, who also had a dog,  a variety of images while their brain activity was being monitored. Brain scans revealed that when the moms saw pictures of their dog, their reaction was the same as when they viewed pictures of their child, leading to the conclusion people love their dog as much a child.

Speaking from personal experience, I contend their conclusion is wrong.

Take these examples.

I would never let an 11-year old share my sweatshirt.

Aaaach!!! Alien!!!!

Aaaach!!! Alien!!!!

I wouldn’t let an 11-year old sleep in my bed.

I love waking up next to that face

I love waking up next to that face

I would never have beds in every room for my children.

It's not designed to be a bunk bed

It’s not designed to be a bunk bed

I would never dress like my children and then go out in public.

Arrgh!

Arrgh!

My dogs don’t talk back to me. They don’t ask for new gym shoes, car keys, or money to go shopping. They don’t go online or mess up my computer. They’re always happy to see me – even as they approach their teenage years.

Now it’s easy to understand why I disagree with the researchers.

Obviously, I love my dogs way more than kids (if I had them).

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

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