True, embellished and fictional stories for your amusertainment

Ho, Ho, Ho!

Hoe, Hoe, Hoe and Merry Christmas!

Hoe, Hoe, Hoe and Merry Christmas!

Ten Unusual Christmas Gifts

Most people have at least one person who is impossible to buy for. This list is sure to help you out.

  1. Roll Scout – a toilet paper roll monitor that alerts your smart phone when the paper level is running low. Apparently looking at the roll isn’t good enough anymore.
Roll Scout (From odditymall.com)

Roll Scout (From odditymall.com)

  1. Pugalope – A unique addition to anyone’s art or Pug collection.
Pugalope (From odditymall.com)

Pugalope (From odditymall.com)

  1. “Help Me” shower curtain – If this gift doesn’t do the trick, there’s also a plain bloody shower curtain.
"Help Me" Shower Curtain (From Amazon.com)

“Help Me” Shower Curtain (From Amazon.com)

  1. Facial Fitness Pao – Just pop it in your mouth and bounce your head to work your facial muscles.
Facial Fitness Pao (From itoyokado.co.jp)

Facial Fitness Pao (From itoyokado.co.jp)

  1. Selfie Toaster – For the narcissists on your list.
Selfie Toaster (From incrediblethings.com)

Selfie Toaster (From incrediblethings.com)

  1. Misfortune Cookies – These were sold out when I checked but they’re still worth mentioning.
Misfortune Cookies (From tealco.net)

Misfortune Cookies (From tealco.net)

  1. Power Nap Head Pillow. Nope, this wouldn’t attract attention in public at all.
Power Nap Head Pillow (From Amazon.com)

Power Nap Head Pillow (From Amazon.com)

  1. Bloody Cleaver Ring – an excellent companion to the “Help Me” shower curtain.
Bloody Cleaver Ring (From incrediblethings.com)

Bloody Cleaver Ring (From incrediblethings.com)

  1. Custom 3D printed star trek figures – You can have your own face put on a Star Trek figurine. How cool is that?!?
3D Star Trek Figures (From incrediblethings.com)

3D Star Trek Figures (From incrediblethings.com)

  1. Pooping Pooches Dog Calendar. Back for 2015 with fabulous new locations!
Pooping Pooches Calendar (From Amazon.com)

Pooping Pooches Calendar (From Amazon.com)

Hope this helps ease your gifting burden. Happy shopping!

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Cookies for Santa

It appears as though Santa needs to change some of his settings

It appears as though Santa needs to change some of his settings

Dear Santa –

I normally don’t write to you but I’ve reached my limit. Every year is the same thing – 11 months of a manageable schedule followed by several hectic weeks of unreasonable demands culminating in a night that requires 11 months to recover.

The time has come for us to change our culture.

If I were to ask for something tangible for Christmas, I’d put a Fitbit on my list so I could monitor my fitness level. The request would be a waste because I know that any progress I would make throughout the year would be lost during the Christmas season, sitting for prolonged periods of time listening to children convey their Christmas desires.

I’d also like a membership to Weight Watchers so I can reach and maintain a healthy weight. This would reduce our health care costs and ensure my ability to meet Christmas demands long into the future.

However, any progress I would make during the year would be lost during the intense period of weight gain. I know the drill: “Eat, Santa, Eat”. “The kids expect a fat Santa.” It’s all about what the customer wants.

Have you ever thought about leading by example? Changing customer expectations?

Maybe we should start presenting a healthy Santa – show the kids Santa doesn’t have to be overweight. That in fact, a slender Santa is MORE jolly than one who’s round little belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly when he laughs. I think the combination of extreme work schedule and rapid weight gain sends the wrong message completely.

As long as I’m expressing my concerns, I feel it’s my duty to bring up my work conditions. Specifically, I’m referring to smoking – an extremely dangerous habit. Of course I don’t smoke cigarettes but my work exposes me to massive amounts of second hand smoke every year. I suggest rather than going down the chimney, I start using a door or window.

Face it – we’re cooking a recipe for disaster when we combine extreme work, weight gain and smoking. It’s almost like you’re trying to kill me. Personally, I don’t think a replacement would be easy to find.

My other complaint is your requirement that I eat milk and cookies set out by the families whose homes I visit. I’ve been lactose intolerant for years and now with my recently acquired gluten allergy, I’m barely able to move by the time I finish my shift. One of these days I won’t make it around the world in one night. What will happen then?

You know I’ve been good, Santa, and you know that my requests are all reasonable. We can easily implement these changes with a wellness program along with a commitment from you to stick with it.

Please know that I remain committed to meeting with all the children of the world, flying the sleigh and delivering gifts – assuming I don’t keel over from a massive coronary or just plain exhaustion. The kids have been good this year and I don’t want to let them down.

Until I hear otherwise, I’ll continue to eat. 

Ho, Ho, Ho and Merry Christmas.

May the farce be with you!

Your, IFF

Santa

Waiting for Santa

Waiting for Santa

Reindeer

Raindeer

Raindeer

It’s Potty Time!

At one point in my career, I worked in labor relations. We were in protracted negotiations over a new union contract. The company and union met in a hotel and many people were living there. At the time I joined, negotiations had been underway for more than a year.

My first memory of the experience was going into the bathroom in the company meeting room and finding a giant bottle of Tums. I couldn’t imagine how anyone would need so much medicine. Of course, within a few weeks, I was partaking myself.

One of the strangest things I remember is the set-up the union had in their room. No one had a kitchen, so the union set one up in their bathroom – crockpot, microwave, hot plate, coffee maker – all the essentials needed for long term living in a hotel. They stored their dishes in the bathroom and used the bathtub as their dishwasher. And they still used the bathroom for its intended purpose.

Why do I bring this up? Because the French have just announced a change in their law that allows homeowners to install toilets in their kitchens and living rooms.

I suppose if the Union could set up a kitchen in their bathroom, the French should be able to have a bathroom in their kitchen. Just be sure to wash your hands.

May the farce be with you!

Your IFF,

Pam

Redecorating the bathroom

Redecorating the bathroom

Pilgrims

Pills, Grim

Pills, Grim

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